America! The Mini Episode - 501.5 - TRANSCRIPT

THEB A. STARD  
When my very important words are not enough, America cries out for more. Thus, "America! The Mini Episode" was born. 

MUSIC  
["America! The Mini Episode" theme plays]

THEB A. STARD  
Well, America, here I am with you, again, before our scheduled program. Why? Well, it's come to my attention that some of you forget I exist nearly a week or so after my show comes out. Sometimes the show only comes up once a month. And that's not great. Well, we're aiming to do better. And I'm going to be talking to you all of the time. That's right. These will be mini episodes. These will come after the regular scheduled program that came out last week. In these episodes, I will deliver an audio version of "Rapid Fire News" that you can find on our Instagram page, @AmericaThePodcast, you also hear audio versions of the videos that we'll be putting out, such as "Did You Know This?!" and "Stop it!". And with the other one, I forget. But it's awesome. I can tell you that much. I will also be performing readings of letters from friends and fellow countrymen from back in the 1770s through the 1780s. These will coincide with the episodes that we previously did. In this case, the Boston Massacre - a terribly fun event that I got to ring a bell at and yell "fire". Also some people died. But it led to America, so here we are. And by here we are I mean the mini episode. So let's get to questions. 

MUSIC  
["Slightly Important Questions" Chime] 

THEB A. STARD  
A little Jimmy from Albuquerque, New Mexico writes, how rich are you? Mr. Seven is? Little Jimmy from Albuquerque, New Mexico writes, "How rich are you, Mr Thebadias?". Well Jimmy, like most billionaires who border on trillionaires, whether the government knows it or not, I am often worth anything from a ton to a shit ton, but never a metric ton because that would be an American. If you're able to put it into numbers, there would be a lot of zeros. Sometimes the five, sometimes not. One time, there was even a six and I was like, "Whoa, that's awesome". But I digress. Simply put I am so rich. I can buy most countries. And I do mean most there's only like 160 something and most. Moving on. Little Alison from Eugene, Oregon writes "Are Donald Trump's hands really that small?". Well, Alison, unlike what I was planning to do, I won't lie to you. Donald Trump's hands really are that small. There was talk of having them replaced with doe hands for a while but we just simply couldn't afford it. I mean, Donald Trump's basically broke. That's the real story here - small hands and broke. Moving on. Little Bradley from Tampa Bay, Florida writes "Does every country have an embodiment of an only hope for itself?". Well, Bradley, the short answer is yes. The long answer might awaken an old god. But the only answer you need to know is that I, Thebadias A. Stard, aka "The Bastard", aka the embodiment of and only hope for America are the only - Am the only - am! Am the only embodiment you need to worry your head about and that goes for the rest of you, America. Now, moving on, or I guess we're at the end of the segment. 

THEB A. STARD  
["Slightly Important Questions" chime] 

THEB A. STARD  
Okay, that said we're done with questions and well, I guess we'll be back in a moment.

MUSIC  
[The "America! The Podcast" theme plays]

THEB A. STARD  
AAnd we're back. So as you, a fan or anybody who I secretly use "Inception" technology on at night, might know, I am putting my very important segments such as "Did You Know This?!" and "Rapid Fire News" on Tiktok and Instagram. Well, the segments are going on Instagram "Rapid Fire News"  is going on Tiktok. One of those very important segments premiered this past Sunday. And I take you to that now. You'll notice the difference in audio because somebody and I'm not saying who...TIM...got lazy. Here's my recent very important segment. 

THEB A. STARD  
Hello, America! It’s me - Thebadias A. Stard - the embodiment of and only hope for America, as well as the host of “America! The Podcast!” on Shway Media. I am here once again to bring you my very important segment, “Did You Know This?!”. 

MUSIC  
[“Did You Know This?!” theme plays]

THEB A. STARD  
Did you know this? Recently, and by recently, I mean back on April 21st, 2021, America celebrated Earth Day. I meant to put out a very important statement on the day itself, but I was still too high from 4/20.   A Did you know this? Recently, and by recently, I mean back on April 21st, 2021, America celebrated Earth Day. I meant to put out a very important statement on the day itself, but I was still too high from 4/20.   As a matter of fact, I’m still pretty high and it’s July. Whoa. I rhymed. [CLEARS THROAT] Rule of thumb, America - never eat a whole plate of cannabis brownies. Or always eat a whole plate depending on what you’re going for.   Anyways, now for my very aforementioned very important statement.   Did you know this? Did you know that the Earth is dying as a result of humanity’s fossil fuel and plastic pollution? Well actually, the Earth won't die, but will instead become unlivable for humanity. Something I was ok with until I found out a shocking truth!   Did you know that America is on Earth AND filled with humans? This revelation makes me want to do something and also makes me feel a little responsible.   I mean I did invest 100s of billions of dollars into fossil fuels over the past century. I also keep a condo on the garbage continent in the Pacific ocean. Not the one in the Atlantic. That garbage continent is for poor people. It also has a high percentage of old Blackberry chargers. Fun fact.  Irregardless, to prevent the earth from killing all of America and I guess the rest of the world, I will be investing all of my hard swindled American dollars in green energy from now on and supporting green initiatives. You should also do the same, because if you don’t...I will find you. [pause]   To learn more on how to save the planet, i invite you to read the text of the Green New Deal. It’s real short. Like 14 pages. To now. I’ll wait. Oh I can’t wait. Hmm. You could also go back in time and tell your younger self to listen to Al Gore and his Inconvenient Truth. I know he’s boring, but he was on Futurama and once got so drunk on Tequila he tried to buy Twitter, so I guess it evens out....This has been "Did You Know This?!"

THEB A. STARD  
Well, America, I hope you learned something. Now. We'll be back in a moment.

MUSIC  
[The "America! The Podcast" theme plays]

THEB A. STARD  
 And we're back with "America! The Mini Episode". So, as you know, on my very important regularly scheduled program "America! The Podcast", this season, we're discussing the American Revolution from my very important perspective. And as such, I wanted to give you a little bit more of a perspective than just my own. So every mini episode I will be reading letters or documents that come from that era. Some were written by fellow countrymen, some were written by friends of mine, all of them written by Americans, and should also be noted, but not necessarily considering this entire thing is about a war. Some of these letters may contain descriptions of violence. So if that makes you uneasy, maybe don't listen to this part. Is that good? My producer, audio engineer man, Jonathan says it's good. Okay. Tim's not here. Tim has other things to do apparently. Anyways, that said, now it is time for "Very Important Writings". 

MUSIC  
 ["America The Beautiful" comes up]

THEB A. STARD  
Our first letter is actually an affidavit from a man named Charles Hobbie, a citizen of Boston, who testified in the trial of the Boston Massacre. Mr. Hobbie writes, “Between the hours of nine and ten o’clock, being in my master’s house, was alarmed with the cry of fire, I ran down as far as the town-house and then heard that the soldiers and the inhabitants were fighting in the alley… I then left them and went to King street. I then saw a party of soldiers loading their muskets about the Custom-house door, after which they all shouldered. I heard some of the inhabitants cry out, “heave no snowballs”, others cried “they dare not fire”.  Captain Preston was then standing by the soldiers, when a snow ball struck a grenadier, who immediately fired, Captain Preston standing close by him. The Captain then spoke distinctly, “Fire, Fire!” I was then within four feet of Capt. Preston, and know him well. The soldiers fired as fast as they could one after another. I saw [Crispus Attucks] fall, and Samuel Gray went to look at him, one of the soldiers, at a distance of about four or five yards, pointed his piece directly for the said Gray’s head and fired. Mr Gray, after struggling, turned himself right round upon his heel and fell dead.” End of statement. Very sad, but very, not that accurate. Because as we all know, I am the one that threw the rock and shouted fire. Also, so many other people threw rocks and yelled fire, we really can post blame, not on me at least like who's to say. I mean, I know I said I'm the one that literally did it, but, you know, the British were found not guilty, mostly by this next statement from Thomas Preston. And with the help of John Adams. It's why you don't get a monument, John. We made sure of that. That said, here's the testimony of one Thomas Preston, Captain in the army of Goddamn King George. “The mob still increased and were outrageous, striking their clubs or bludgeons one against another, and calling out “Come on you rascals, you bloody backs, you lobster scoundrels, fire if you dare, God damn you, fire and be damned, we know you dare not”, and much more such language was used. At this time I was between the soldiers and the mob, parleying with and endeavouring all in my power to persuade them to retire peaceably, but to no purpose.  They [the civilians] advanced to the points of the bayonets, struck some of them and even the muzzles of the pieces, and seemed to be endeavouring to close with the soldiers. On which some well-behaved persons asked me if the guns were charged. I replied yes. They then asked me if I intended to order the men to fire. I answered no, by no means, observing to them that I was advanced before the muzzles of the men’s pieces, and must fall a sacrifice if they fired; that the soldiers were upon the half cock and charged bayonets, and my giving the word fire under those circumstances would prove me to be no officer.  While I was thus speaking one of the soldiers, having received a severe blow with a stick, stepped a little to one side and instantly fired… On this a general attack was made on the men by a great number of heavy clubs and snowballs being thrown at them, by which all our lives were in imminent danger… some persons at the same time from behind calling out “Damn your bloods, why don’t you fire”. Instantly three or four of the soldiers fired… On my asking the soldiers why they fired without orders, they said they heard the word ‘fire’ and supposed it came from me. This might be the case as many of the mob called out fire, fire, but I assured the men that I gave no such order… that my words were “don’t fire, stop your firing". End up statement. As you can see, there are multiple sides of the same story. And unless you take my very important words as fact, and you better, we may never know who actually caused the Boston Massacre. I fully admit I may have played my part. But, you know, like I said before, Bada bing, Bada bang, here we are. 

THEB A. STARD  
["America The Beautiful" comes up]

THEB A. STARD  
Then with that, I guess it's time to end the mini episode. I will see you again next week with my tale of the Boston Tea Party. Tell your friends and subscribe to us on iTunes, Stitcher, Shway Media or wherever you get your podcasts. I will be in your ears again soon, America. Good night, and good fight.

MUSIC  
["America! The Podcast" theme plays]

THEB A. STARD  
This has been America! The Podcast hosted by me, Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment and only hope for America. Tim is also there.   You can catch my very important show every week on Itunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Shway Media or where every you get your podcasts. Go ahead give us a five star review on one of those fancy apps while you’re at it. I command it.   You can also hear the show and access more content at America the podcast dot com.   And don’t forget to watch Rapid Fire News and other segments on TikTok and Instagram at america the podcast. You can also find us o Facebook and twitter if your into that sort of a thing.   Now to contractually credit the people who help make this show possible.   America! The Podcast is a Shway Media Media Original Podcast.  Writers for the show include Thebadias A Stard, Tim Phillippe, Alanah Matos, and Michael Sisemore.  The Executive producers for the show are  Alanah Matos and Tim Phillippe.  Sound design is by Tim Phillippe and all dialogue is recorded in Shway Media Studios.  All research and fact checking for the show was performed by Michael Sisemore and Tim Phillippe. A full list of research sources for this season of America! The Podcast is linked in the description of each episode.   The shows theme song is by Timmy Two Step and all other supporting audio heard in the show was procured through AudioBlocks.com, Freesound.org, and Ambient-Mixer.com A full list is linked in a description to this episode.   Thats it. Go on now, ya hear? 

ANNOUNCER  
This has been a production of Shway Media. All rights reserved. For more information please visit ShwayMedia.com.