America! The Mini Episode - 502.5 [TRANSCRIPT]

THEB A. STARD  
When my very important words are not enough, America cries out for more - not too much more just a hodgepodge of random segments. Thus, "America! The Mini Episode" was born!

MUSIC  
["America! The Mini Episode" theme plays]

THEB A. STARD  
Hello America. It's me, Thebadias A. Stard aka the embodiment of and only hope for America, here in your ears again because I have been forced into a closet on my day off to shout at you a bunch of random things. In this episode, I will be answering your semi important questions as my questions are the only truly important ones. And then we will have a chance to listen to the audio versions of "Rapid Fire News" annd my very important segment "A Bit Of Advice", which you can catch on a normal basis on tik tok and Instagram at @Americanthepodcast. After that, we'll go to a commercial so I can make some money off of you the listener. And then we'll come back for a very important readings followed by a reading of the theme song to Liberty's kids by yours truly. That's right. The propaganda cartoon from the 2000s is getting a very dramatic reading by me, Thebadias A. Stard, the embodiment of and only hope for America. So with that, let's get to questions.

MUSIC  
["Semi-Important Questions" theme plays] 

THEB A. STARD  
Our first question comes from Little Scotty from Indianapolis, Indiana. Scotty writes, Dear Mr. Thebadias, what is it like living forever? Well, Scotty, it's pretty great. I can eat whatever, I want to not gain a pound. I'm the same age for all eternity. And if I can just get past the fact that all of my friends are dead, and many other friend and family I would make in my life will die before I do, which won't be until the country dies...well, it's pretty great. I love living forever, and I get to do whatever I want. So I recommend it. If you can live forever, don't become an embodiment of America because that means you will have killed me, which is impossible. So get your own thing. Our next question comes from Little Jessica from Las Vegas, Nevada. Jessica writes, Dear Mr. Thebadias, did you ever meet God damn King George in person? Well, Jessica first I don't recommend you swearing at a young age. Oh. Oh my God, this person's..how old...how old is he? 58? Oh my god. Okay, fine. Swear all you want, then. Second, yes, I did meet goddamn King George twice. Once when I was stealing a ring off his finger while I was about to be knighted, I, as a result did not get knighted and was kicked out of the military. And then I met him again when I went over to England with john adams to seal our deal as it were. The American treaty - we'll get there. Our next question comes from Little Purvis... Purvis? We're gonna have a name is Purvis. Okay. from Sacramento, California, little Purvis writes, Dear Mr. Thebadias, who is your favorite president? Well, Purvy I would have to say Theodore Roosevelt for inventing the National Park Service. And well Ronald Reagan, because he made me just stupid rich, just Oh, the the worst kind of rich. It's like unfathomable. I don't even think I think we had to make more money at one point. I don't know if that turned out well, but I've got a lot of it. That's the that's the best part. So yeah, Roosevelt and Reagan. That's me. This has been Questions.

THEB A. STARD  
["Semi-Important Questions" theme plays]  

THEB A. STARD  
Next to my very important mini episode, we have my recent rapid fire news as well as my other segment, a bit of advice. I will be bringing them back to back for you right now. And you can catch them every week on our TikTok and Instagram pages at @Americathepodcast. So here we go! 

THEB A. STARD  
These days the news can come at you as fast as the Covid 19 Delta variant is sweeping the nation. Well I am here to shout it at you even faster. This is “Rapid Fire News”.  First Texas Governor Greg Abbot has ordered the arrests of all House Democrats who recently fled the state in order to halt the voter suppression bill put forth by the GOP. You gotta love the GOP’s new default of arresting one's political opponents.  Runner Sha’Carri Richardson was recently banned from competing in the 2021 Olympics after she tested positive for using cannabis. Ah yes. Cannabis. The best performance enhancing drug. If that performance is binge watching rick and morty and eating a plate of pizza rolls.   Despite the goal set forth by President Joe Biden, the United States did not reach the 70% vaccination rate by the Fourth of July. In a related story, 99.7% of people who died in May of COVID-19 were unvaccinated. That’s not a joke. Covid is real. Get your goddamn shot.  This has been “Rapid Fire News”. 

THEB A. STARD  
Hello, America! It’s me - Thebadias A. Stard - AKA the embodiment of and only hope for America! I am shouting at you today in the form of my very important segment - “A Bit of Advice”. 

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["A Bit Of Advice" theme plays]

THEB A. STARD  
Today's topic: "Making green off green". TTo my former colleagues in the Republican Party, I have a bit of advice.  You all like money right? Of course you do! Who doesn’t? You each would bend over backwards or forwards just for a few thousand in campaign money. However, you all like to constantly complain that the economy is losing money. That may be true at times, which is why growing the economy is so important. A quick and easy way to do that would be to - drumroll please.

MUSIC  
[Drumroll] 

THEB A. STARD  
Legalize cannabis. That's right! It's not just for dirty hippies anymore. It turns out the sticky icky ganja can practically print money and boost the economy at the same time. In 2019 alone, the cannabis black market in California brought in almost $8.7 billion, all of which went untaxed. As for the legal market, those legal states are looking at bringing in hundreds of billions of dollars in cannabis revenue by the end of the decade. When I heard those amazing numbers, I jumped straight into that big old green pool with fellow conservatives, former Speaker of the House, John Boenner and former Texas Governor, Rick Perry. So come on in republicans, the water is fine. You know you all secretly get lit on your own time. Looking at you Mitch McConnell. Whether you like CBD, Deltas 8, 9, or 10, or good old THC there is a dollar to be made. So go ahead legalize more than just hemp. Let's get rich together off the sticky icky and pump a ton of money into the economy. Maybe the American people will like you more so you can stop rigging elections. Point of order - I can only rigged so many elections for you. So you need to do a little legwork from now on. As for the democrats, I politely say, "fuck you". You have the presidency and both houses. Don't just decriminalize it, legalize it, save the economy and be done with it. Or choke and fumble like you always do. This has been "A Bit Of Advice. 

THEB A. STARD  
I hope you've enjoyed that America. In fact, I know you did. Don't forget to follow the show on Tick Tock and Instagram to get segments every single week. And now I will be back after these messages.

MUSIC  
["America! The Podcast" theme plays]

THEB A. STARD  
And I am back. So now it is time for "Very Important Readings" - a segment of the mini episode where I read important documents that date back to the Revolution. So let's spin up the theme and get to it. Anyone? Any anyone? [starteld] Jesus Christ!

THEB A. STARD  
["America The Beautiful" begins to play] 

THEB A. STARD  
Okay, let's see who's this first letter from? Sons of Liberty member George Hewes, George Hewes. Why do I know that name? Oh my God! He made every pair of boots I owned. That's right! Between 1770 and 1788. Yeah, I moved away from Boston after the war. I also wasn't in Boston much during the war, so but he still made all of my shoes and delivered them to my home. What does what does George have to say? Let's see. The tea destroyed was contained in three ships, lying near each other at what was called at that time Griffin’s wharf. On the day before the 17th there was a meeting of the citizens of the county of Suffolk, convened at one of the churches in Boston, for the purpose of consulting on measures. to prevent the landing of the tea, or secure the people from the collection of the duty. When the committee returned and informed the meeting of the absence of the Governor, there was a confused murmur among the members and the meeting was immediately dissolved, many of them crying out, “Let every lman do his duty, and be true to his country”.  It was now evening and I immediately dressed myself in the costume of an Indian, equipped with a small hatchet. after having painted my face and hands with coal dust in the shop of a blacksmith, I repaired to Griffin’s wharf, where the ships lay that contained the tea. When I first appeared in the street after being thus disguised, I fell in with many who were dressed, equipped and painted as I was, and who fell in with me and marched in order to the place of our destination.  When we arrived at the wharf, there were three of our number who assumed an authority to direct our operations, to which we readily submitted. We were immediately ordered by the respective commanders to board all the ships at the same time, which we promptly obeyed. The commander of the division to which I belonged, as soon as we were on board the ship, appointed me boatswain and ordered me to go to the captain and demand of him the keys to the hatches and a dozen candles. I made the demand accordingly, and the captain promptly replied.  We then were ordered by our commander to open the hatches and take out all the chests of tea and throw them overboard, and we immediately proceeded to execute his orders, first cutting and splitting the chests with our tomahawks, so as thoroughly to expose them to the effects of the water. In about three hours from the time we went on board, we had thus broken and thrown overboard every tea chest to be found in the ship, while those in the other ships were disposing of the tea in the same way, at the same time. We were surrounded by British armed ships but no attempt was made to resist us.  During the time we were throwing the tea overboard, there were several attempts made by some of the citizens of Boston and its vicinity to carry off small quantities of it for their family use. To effect that object, they would watch their opportunity to snatch up a handful from the deck, where it became plentifully scattered, and put it into their pockets.  One Captain O’Connor, whom I well knew, came on board for that purpose, and when he supposed he was not noticed, filled his pockets and also the lining of his coat. But I detected him and gave information to the captain of what he was doing. We were ordered to take him into custody, and just as he was stepping from the vessel, I seized him by the skirt of his coat. He had to run a gauntlet through the crowd upon the wharf nine each one, as he passed, giving him a kick or a stroke.  The next morning, after we had cleared the ships of the tea, it was discovered that very considerable quantities of it were floating upon the surface of the water; and to prevent the possibility of any of its being saved for use, a number of small boats were manned by sailors and citizens, who rowed them into those parts of the harbour wherever the tea was visible, and by beating it with oars and paddles so thoroughly drenched it as to render its entire destruction inevitable. End of statement. Exhilarating and full of run on sentences to say the least. So with that, I bring you to the moment you've all been waiting for. And if you haven't been waiting for it, well, you should go back, wait a few days and then then come back here so you will have waited for it. Otherwise, I don't know if it has the same effect. As you might have heard of my last episode, I brought up a propaganda cartoon I inadvertently advised on back in the early 2000s called Liberty's kids. The show took place during the Revolution, and was about two children who worked as journalists for Ben Franklin, who covered the war. That word for word historically accurate show had a very important theme song that I wanted to share with you today in the form of a dramatic reading. So with that, I bring you the theme song to Liberty's kids, originally performed by Aaron Carter and Kayla Hinkle. Give me a world that's equal on all sides. Let freedom flow as constant as the tides. I pray with each sunset, don't forget to rise. I live without regret for ordinary lives. I see a land with liberty for all, yet still I know the truth will rise and fall. Yes, that's just the way it goes. A word now to the wise - the world was made to change, each day is a surprise. And I know when you're looking for the truth, if you go and read between the lines, you'll discover how and why I take my heart into battle. Give that freedom bell a rattle. Get my independence signed. Declare it on the dotted line. In Philadelphia, freedom rings and patriotic voices sing, “Red, white, and blue! Never give up! We represent America!” I'm lookin' at life through my own eyes, searchin' for a hero to idolize, and feeling the pain as innocence dies. I'm looking at life through my own eyes. I'm hoping and praying for a brighter day. I listen to my heart and I obey. How can I see it any other way? I'm looking at life, yes, I’m looking at life through my own eyes. That was the theme song to Liberty's kids. And I thank you for listening America. This has been "Very Important Readings".

THEB A. STARD  
["America The Beautiful" begins to play] 

THEB A. STARD  
Well, America, here we are, once again at my very important end of the my very important mini episode. All of what I do is very important, if you haven't noticed. So still not sure what to do with the ends of these. So I'll just tell you to go get your COVID-19 vaccination. There's a Delta variant and from what I understand a lambda variant that are both out there running amok, mutating everywhere and will get worse, more deadly possibly, and just definitely more contagious in the fall. Remember, 99.7% of people who are dying of COVID-19 of any variant aren't vaccinated. So please listen to Fox News, Sean Hannity, and go get vaccinated. If you aren't gonna listen to me or any of the liberal people out there, go ahead and listen to Fox News because they're telling you to get vaccinated now as well. All right, that's it. Good night America. Good night and good. Fight. I know I said Good night twice, but I'm not going to change it. 

THEB A. STARD  
This has been America! The Podcast hosted by me, Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment and only hope for America. Tim is also there.   You can catch my very important show every week on Itunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Shway Media or wherever you get your podcasts. Go ahead give us a five star review on one of those fancy apps while you’re at it. I command it.   You can also hear the show and access more content at America the podcast dot com.   And don’t forget to watch Rapid Fire News and other segments on TikTok and Instagram at america the podcast. You can also find us on Facebook and twitter if you're into that sort of a thing.   Now to contractually credit the people who help make this show possible.  America! The Podcast is a Shway Media Media Original Podcast.  Writers for the show include Thebadias A Stard, Tim Phillippe, Alanah Matos, and Michael Sisemore. The Executive producers for the show are  Alanah Matos and Tim Phillippe.  Sound design is by Tim Phillippe and all dialogue is mixed in Shway Media Studios.  All research and fact checking for the show was performed by Michael Sisemore and Tim Phillippe. A full list of research sources for this season of America! The Podcast is linked in the description of each episode.   The shows theme song is by Timmy Two Step and all other supporting audio heard in the show was procured through AudioBlocks.com, Freesound.org, and Ambient-Mixer.com  That's it. Go on now, ya hear? 

ANNOUNCER  
This has been a production of Shway Media. All rights reserved. For more information please visit ShwayMedia.com

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