America! The Mini Episode - 503.5 [TRANSCRIPT]

THEB A. STARD  
When my very important words are not enough, America cries out for more. Thus our producers put together a bunch of bonus material and thus America the mini episode was born

MUSIC
["AMERICA! THE MINI EPISODE" THEME PLAYS].

THEB A. STARD  
Hello America, it's me - Thebadias A Stard - aka the embodiment of and only hope for America. And I am here with another mini episode for your ears or your eyes if you're watching it on YouTube. You're really just watching a thumbnail on YouTube and then listening to it. So yeah, you're not really watching it there. You're listening to it as they say. In this very important mini episode, I will be answering your semi important questions. I call them semi important because the only questions that are actually important are mine. I will then be replaying "Rapid fire news" and my very important segment "Stop it!" that aired recently on Instagram. I will then be closing out the show with a reading of Paul Revere's Midnight Ride by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Fun fact, I gave him all the info for that poem, and then he changed every damn bit of it. Ruined our friendship. Anyways, now it's time for semi important questions.

THEB A. STARD  
Our first question comes from Little Roger from Baltimore, Maryland. Little Roger writes, Dear Mr. Thebadias, why don't you go by the bastard anymore? And follow up question, how did you get the name the best heard in the first place? Well, first, I would like to remind everyone that it is one podcast question per podcast person, but I will be happy to answer it irregardless. Well, not to get too technical. But Facebook viewed my very important nickname as a slur and thus would not accept my very important money to promote these episodes that you were listening to now. So we decided to go with my given name - Theb A Stard. There's a full episode on the subject of my name and how I got my name in Season Two I believe of America that podcast. Always be ready for me to shout that America. So that should answer your two part question little Roger. And now it's time for another question. Little Harland from Richardson, Texas writes, how is babbi made? What? What the hell does that how is babbi made? Oh, right. America, I have to answer this next question in Illuminati code. So I suggest you skip ahead lest you become possessed by an ancient god. Well, little Harland. I provide you with this answer. Enter the valley and I will give you the egg of the holy. Drink from the cup of the all knowing and the sky will open. Bow before the nothingness and you will become eternity. Thank you for your question. Little Harland and remember the balloon is for after. This has been semi important questions

MUSIC  
["SEMI-IMPORTANT QUESTIONS" THEME]

MUSIC  
["SEMI-IMPORTANT QUESTIONS" THEME]

THEB A. STARD  
And now I bring you my very important segments "Rapid Fire News" and "Stop It!" that recently aired on my Instagram page at American the podcast. I take you live now to these pre recorded segments. These days the news can come at you as fast as you would expect a racist to judge a black athlete for prioritizing their mental health over a sporting event. Well, I am here to shout it at you even faster. This is “Rapid Fire News”! After uncertainty, the Senate GOP has agreed on major issues in the already bipartisan infrastructure bill. In a related story, the political party that holds both houses of Congress and the presidency is still being strong-armed by the political party that caused the January 6th Capital Riot. Next! GOP Representatives staged a maskless protest in the capitol after a new mask mandate was put in place. Upon hearing this, Delta Variant itself released a statement saying quote, "I cannot believe how easy these idiots are making it for me. I cannot wait to get at those lungs!" End quote and next! President Joe Biden has ordered that all federal and military personnel receive the COVID-19 vaccine or be tested on a regular basis. This is indeed an incredibly difficult choice to make - either get a vaccine that will likely save your life or have a  Q-tip shoved up your nose every week. Decisions, decisions. This has been “Rapid Fire News”!   Hello America, it's me - Thebadias A Stard - aka the embodiment of and only hope for America. And now it's time for my very important, very new segment, "Stop it"

MUSIC  
["YANKEE DOODLE" PLAYS]

THEB A. STARD  
To my friends in the GOP, it has come to my very important attention that you are being less than secretive than you used to be about suppressing people's voting rights. I know I turned a blind eye to all of this when I was a member of the Grand Old Party, but what can I say? I like to win! It's just who I am. But at least we weren't being so obvious about it when I was there.   Instead, you in the GOP are being way too upfront about it. So to that I say... stop it. In 2021 alone, the GOP in 43 states put forth bills aimed at voter suppression and surprise, surprise, they're not aimed at white voters. That's way too obvious! Whatever happened to the sneaky Roger Stones and Oliver Norths of this country?! You're all starting to look like a bunch of fascist white supremacists.   Ah, there are several fascist white supremacists currently holding elected office? Who? Oh you mean workout guru, Marjorie Taylor Green, scarecrow in a skin suit, Jim Jordan, and "alleged" pedophile, Matt Gates. Do we still have to say alleged at this point? It's pretty obvious, right? We do still have to say alleged. Got it. Hmm.   Well, to those butt munches, I say stop it. You're making the country look bad and making me look bad by association. Oh, the country already looked bad in the first place? But what about the purple mountains majesty above the fruited plains? Oh, right. That was pro American propaganda I helped create.   Well, fine. Just give people the right to vote anyways. Maybe you'll still win. I mean, who wouldn't want to adopt the beliefs of a party that pushes QANON conspiracies and refuses to get vaccinated against COVID-19? Ah, yes, I hear it now. I see why the GOP still needs to cheat. But the right to vote is in the GOP his favorite listicle - the Constitution. So a lot of you are either hypocrites, white supremacist, or both. You know, it's probably both so check and made I guess.   To sum up my very important words, I shout once again - Hey, GOP! Stop it! Just stop it! Racist assholes. This has been "Stop it".  

MUSIC  
["AMERICA! THE PODCAST" THEME COMES UP]

THEB A. STARD  
Well, I don't know about you, but I was exhilarated by every second of those very important segments. That said, We'll be right back after this commercial break. 

MUSIC  
["AMERICA! THE PODCAST" THEME COMES UP LOUDER]

THEB A. STARD  
And we're back for our final segment of this very important mini episode of America! The Podcast with me - Thebadias A Stard - the embodiment of and only hope for America, not "The bodius". That said, it is now time for a very important readings.

MUSIC  
["AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" COMES UP]

THEB A. STARD  
In my very important reading this week, I will be reciting the very important poem by the very important poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Fun fact, Longfellow's grandfather actually served under Paul Revere as his second in command during the American Revolution. Well, I don't know is that that was a fun fact, because I didn't have very much fun saying it. It is a bit ironic, though. I don't even know if it's ironic. I don't even know if I know what ironic means. Whatever. It is time for Paul Revere's Midnight ride by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Now here's a little story I've got to tell About three bad brothers you know so well It started way back in history With Adrock, MCA and me, Mike D. Oh, got it. This is the lyrics to Paul Revere by the Beastie Boys. Wrong poem One moment. Ah, here we are. Paul Revere's Midnight Ride by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

THEB A. STARD  
Listen, my children, and you shall hear Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere, On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-Five: Hardly a man is now alive Who remembers that famous day and year.  He said to his friend, “If the British march By land or sea from the town to-night, Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry-arch Of the North-Church-tower, as a signal-light,— One if by land, and two if by sea; And I on the opposite shore will be, Ready to ride and spread the alarm Through every Middlesex village and farm, For the country-folk to be up and to arm.”  Then he said “Good night!” and with muffled oar Silently rowed to the Charlestown shore, Just as the moon rose over the bay, Where swinging wide at her moorings lay The Somerset, British man-of-war: A phantom ship, with each mast and spar Across the moon, like a prison-bar, And a huge black hulk, that was magnified By its own reflection in the tide.  Meanwhile, his friend, through alley and street Wanders and watches with eager ears, Till in the silence around him he hears The muster of men at the barrack door, The sound of arms, and the tramp of feet, And the measured tread of the grenadiers Marching down to their boats on the shore.  Then he climbed to the tower of the church, Up the wooden stairs, with stealthy tread, To the belfry-chamber overhead, And startled the pigeons from their perch On the sombre rafters, that round him made Masses and moving shapes of shade,— By the trembling ladder, steep and tall, To the highest window in the wall, Where he paused to listen and look down A moment on the roofs of the town, And the moonlight flowing over all.  Beneath, in the churchyard, lay the dead, In their night-encampment on the hill, Wrapped in silence so deep and still That he could hear, like a sentinel’s tread, The watchful night-wind, as it went Creeping along from tent to tent, And seeming to whisper, “All is well!” A moment only he feels the spell Of the place and the hour, and the secret dread Of the lonely belfry and the dead; For suddenly all his thoughts are bent On a shadowy something far away, Where the river widens to meet the bay,— A line of black, that bends and floats On the rising tide, like a bridge of boats.  Meanwhile, impatient to mount and ride, Booted and spurred, with a heavy stride, On the opposite shore walked Paul Revere. Now he patted his horse’s side, Now gazed on the landscape far and near, Then impetuous stamped the earth, And turned and tightened his saddle-girth; But mostly he watched with eager search The belfry-tower of the old North Church, As it rose above the graves on the hill, Lonely and spectral and sombre and still. And lo! as he looks, on the belfry’s height, A glimmer, and then a gleam of light! He springs to the saddle, the bridle he turns, But lingers and gazes, till full on his sight A second lamp in the belfry burns!  A hurry of hoofs in a village-street, A shape in the moonlight, a bulk in the dark, And beneath from the pebbles, in passing, a spark Struck out by a steed that flies fearless and fleet: That was all! And yet, through the gloom and the light, The fate of a nation was riding that night; And the spark struck out by that steed, in his flight, Kindled the land into flame with its heat.  He has left the village and mounted the steep, And beneath him, tranquil and broad and deep, Is the Mystic, meeting the ocean tides; And under the alders, that skirt its edge, Now soft on the sand, now loud on the ledge, Is heard the tramp of his steed as he rides.  It was twelve by the village clock When he crossed the bridge into Medford town. He heard the crowing of the cock, And the barking of the farmer’s dog, And felt the damp of the river-fog, That rises when the sun goes down.  It was one by the village clock, When he galloped into Lexington. He saw the gilded weathercock Swim in the moonlight as he passed, And the meeting-house windows, blank and bare, Gaze at him with a spectral glare, As if they already stood aghast At the bloody work they would look upon.  It was two by the village clock, When he came to the bridge in Concord town. He heard the bleating of the flock, And the twitter of birds among the trees, And felt the breath of the morning breeze Blowing over the meadows brown. And one was safe and asleep in his bed Who at the bridge would be first to fall, Who that day would be lying dead, Pierced by a British musket-ball.  You know the rest. In the books you have read, How the British Regulars fired and fled,— How the farmers gave them ball for ball, From behind each fence and farmyard-wall, Chasing the red-coats down the lane, Then crossing the fields to emerge again Under the trees at the turn of the road, And only pausing to fire and load.  So through the night rode Paul Revere; And so through the night went his cry of alarm To every Middlesex village and farm,— A cry of defiance, and not of fear, A voice in the darkness, a knock at the door, And a word that shall echo forevermore! For, borne on the night-wind of the Past, Through all our history, to the last, In the hour of darkness and peril and need, The people will waken and listen to hear The hurrying hoof-beats of that steed, And the midnight message of Paul Revere. And me - Thebadias A Stard.

THEB A. STARD  
I admittedly added that last part there but felt it should be said. Also Joseph Warren was there and some other people. That said, that was Paul Revere's Midnight Ride by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. And this has been very important readings.

MUSIC  
["AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" COMES UP]

THEB A. STARD  
Well, America, we've reached the end of my mini episode yet again. I encourage you to give me feedback. Give me feedback? The fuck are you talking about? I don't want feedback from these people. They can send in their questions to my Instagram at American the podcast or my Twitter pages at American a pod or at bastard comedy. Why is it called a comedy agian? I don't think I'm funny. Am I funny? I am? Well, I feel like that might be debatable for some of these people. Am I funny? Let me know on our Instagram or Twitter account or Facebook at America's a podcast. Well, that said, Good night and good fight, I guess. And I will see you next week for the episode for Episode Four. Right? Okay. Well, America, I will see you next week or not see you. You'll hear me shouting at you. I won't see you. You may see me if you're stalking. I'm stalking you. Well, I will be in your ears again next week. Good night and good fight

Disclaimer  
America! The Podcast is a Shway Media Production. All Rights Reserved. For mor information, please visit AmericaThePodcast.com or ShwayMedia.com.

​