America! The Podcast presents: The Boston Tea Party - TRANSCRIPT

MUSIC  
["Stars & Stripes Forever" by John Philip Sousa begins to play] 

ANNOUNCER  
This episode of “America! The Podcast” is brought to you by America's newest subscription service - “The Real American Paid politician Program”.  Hey, there friend! You look glum!  Are you a CEO who’s tired of pesky, well-meaning politicians getting in the way of your private world domination?  Are you fed up with paying lobbyists millions of your hard swindled American dollars to push your personal political opinions?  Well, have I got the solution for youuuuu!  Introducing America’s newest subscription service - “The Real American Paid politician Program”.  With “The Real American Paid politician Program” you can say “bye bye” to worrying about which way your paid off patsy will vote.   Our politicians are not only loyal to whatever cause they’re paid to care about, they’re guaranteed to win any election or your money back!   Yes, we’ve got everything from senators to governors and you can even pick from our list of presidential candidates when you subscribe at the Double Do Deca Premium Level.   And if you act now, we’ll throw in a city council person who can help you strip mine the resources in any town of your choice.   If you’re still unsure if “The Real American Paid politician Program” is right for you, check out our recent rave reviews from the Democratic Party!  That’s “The Real American Paid politician Program” Available wherever freedom is sold. Your 12 month subscription will renew automatically each year, offer not valid in Alaska. 

THEB A. STARD  
We interrupt this episode of America podcast for some very important words. Hello, America. It's me, Thebadias A. Stard aka the embodiment of and only hope for America, here to remind you to not miss our new mini episodes that will be on our off week. These episodes will contain audio versions of "Rapid Fire News" and my Very Important Segments, as well as Very Special Readings from documents from the Revolution. And in the case of this episode, a Very Special Reading of a very special song next week. And lastly, don't forget to tell your friends about  “America! The Podcast” and you yourselves need to go and subscribe and or leave a review right now. Right now. Go. I'll wait. Oh, I can't wait. Okay, well, then it's time for the show. And by that, I mean it's time for  “America! The Podcast”! 

MUSIC  
["The America! The Podcast" theme plays]

TIM  
So what did you do this weekend? 

THEB A. STARD  
I rewatched every episode of Liberty’s Kids. 

TIM  
The hell is Liberty’s Kids? 

THEB A. STARD  
It’s a propaganda cartoon I indirectly advised on back during the Bush years. The second Bush. Baby Bush. The show stars Walter Cronkite as Benjamin Franklin, Annette benning as Abigail adams, Billy Crystal as John adams, Michael Douglas as Patrick Henry, Sylvester Stallone as Paul Revere, Dustin Hoffman as Benedict Arnold, Maria Shriver as Benedict’s Wife, Peggy Shippen, Michael York as Admiral Lord Howe (known as black dick), Arnold Schwarzenegger as Baron Von Steuben, Liem Nelson as John Paul Jones, Don Francisco as Governor Galvez, Whoopie Goldberg as Deborah Sampson, my friend Warren Buffet as my friend James Madison, Yolanda King as Elizabeth Freeman, and of course,  Ben Stiller as Thomas Jefferson, the obvious casting choice. Put a link to the show in the description of this episode. Its on Youtube. Every episode. 

TIM  
Damn that is a stacked cast. Is it good?

THEB A. STARD  
Of course it is! It’s about the history of the American Revolution AND it’s an early 2000s cartoon. Millennials and Gen Z will love it. I’m also happy to report the cartoon still holds up. Word for word historically accurate, down to the epic theme song that played every morning in the colonies. Yes, who could forget timeless lyrics like “I'm Lookin' at life through my own eyes, Searchin' for a hero to idolize, Feeling the pain as innocence dies, I'm looking at life through my own eyes.”  And if you’re wondering, yes, there is a rap and, YES, it is the best hip hop track ever produced. The song was performed Aaron Carter and Kayla Hinkle and they are indeed the best pop stars America ever produced. 

TIM  
That's not true. Even objectively. 

THEB A. STARD  
What do you know, Mr. Bands We Love To Hate? Speaking of, where is that show and why am I not on it?! 

TIM  
New episodes are in production now and you’re not on it because the only musician you like, other than I guess Aaron Carter and Kayla Hinkle, is John Phillip Souza. 

THEB A. STARD  
Ah. That is very true. I will always argue that “Stars And Stripes Forever” is the best song to ever enter the ears of mankind. Yes, Ol Sooz was the original pop star and that wonderful tune was the original “banger.”

TIM  
Lemme guess, did he steal it from you?

THEB A. STARD  
 No, Souza was a bastard, not the good kind like me, of course, but he wasn’t a thief. However, I will tell you of a thief who did thieve from your’s truly. The year was 1775 and… 

TIM  
Wait a sec. 

THEB A. STARD  
I told you, I can’t help the story-driven time travel thing. Its an involuntary reaction. Doctors are baffled by it, as well as so many other things about me.

TIM  
No that’s not it. I mean, 1775? That’s a huge jump forward. I thought we were doing the Boston Tea Party.

THEB A. STARD  
Yes I said that but there’s not much to tell. A bunch of white men got mad about some boats filled with tea, dressed up as natives, and threw the tea into the ocean. It really isn’t the shining moment people think it is.

TIM  
What do you mean? 

MUSIC  
["Yankee Doodle" plays]

THEB A. STARD  
A year before the Boston Tea Party, my dear friend and winner of America’s Horniest Inventor 3 years in a row, Ben Franklin, was serving as Postmaster General in England. He had received several letters containing correspondence between then Massachusetts Governor Thomas Hutchinson, then Lieutenant Governor Andrew Oliver and British law enforcement. The two of them were basically snitching on the colonies and discussed taking away colonial liberties to suppress the rebellion. Those letters were later published in the Boston Gazette in June 1773 albeit against Ben’s wishes. More on that at the end. Needless to say, that pissed off the lot of us and that anger festered for several more months.  

EFFECT  
[The sound of "Boston Harbor" comes up]

THEB A. STARD  
On December 16, 1773, several thousand people had taken to the streets, angered at the presence of some East India Company ships. A ship known as the Dartmouth had arrived in Griffin’s Wharf several weeks earlier, followed by two other ships, the Beaver and the Eleanor, all containing containers of chinese tea and other goods. Several weeks earlier, when the first ship arrived, Bostonians had petitioned Governor Hutchinson in the form of an armed mob to have the tea sent back. However, that petition was refused. Which was odd, as mobs armed with pitchforks and clubs usually get what they want in my experience. Instead the governor tried to force the people to pay the tax, which we promptly refused to do. 

EFFECT  
["Boston Harbor" sounds fade and the sound of the Old South Meeting House comes up.]

THEB A. STARD  
The morning of the 16th, Me, Sam Adams, John Hancock, other Sons of Liberty members, as well as members of Paul Revere’s North Caucus Club, and a plethora of townspeople were gathering at the Old South Meeting House to discuss what was to be done about these blasted ships full of British goods. Sam was giving a rant that would make Tucker Carlson say, whoa this guy talks way too much. It was rather boring so I left to grabbed some food while he droned on.

TIM  
You left in the middle of a speech by THE Sam Adams?

THEB A. STARD  
Well to me he’s just Sam, the guy I drank and discussed liberty with. Honestly, once you’ve heard one rant about liberty, you’ve heard them all.

TIM  
That’s surprising coming from you.

THEB A. STARD  
Listen, when I speak my very important words, they’re intentional. Sam just liked to pick fights when he was drunk and liked to hear the sound of his own voice. Real talk - if it hadn’t been for Sam's drinking problem, we might still be under British rule.

TIM  
Wait. Wasn’t it the morning time? Why was Sam drunk?

THEB A. STARD  
Because it’s Boston. Everyone was and is wasted 24/7. And if they say they’re not, they’re a lying drunk. 

TIM  
Right. I’m getting the feeling everyone was just drunk throughout the Revolution.

THEB A. STARD  
More or less, but the water was disgusting. Beer and wine was healthier to drink.

TIM  
Fair enough. 

THEB A. STARD  
After I got back from my favored local lobster merchant, I took a seat at the bar to enjoy a bucket of fresh lobster tail. Meanwhile, John, Sam, and the lot continued discussing what to do about the tea tax imposed by Goddamn King George as well as those three ships full of the disgusting swill. 

TIM  
Oh yeah, you hate tea. Wasn't tea a huge part of everyone’s lives?

THEB A. STARD  
Of course! People back then drank over a million gallons per year, but that doesn’t mean I had to like it. However, I was still just as upset about the tax as my countrymen were. Everyone seemed to have an idea on what to do about the ships - setting them on fire, making a bunch of waves in the harbor to capsize them, seeing if Salem had any more witches leftover who could make the ships disappear - Steven Clevery came up with that one. He uh...did not live up to his name's sake a lot of the time. It went on like that all morning and into the afternoon. Idea after idea was thrown around. I, still eating my lobster tail and growing tired of the back and forth, especially when I hate tea, finally chimed in and shouted... 

THEB IN THE PAST  
My god sirs! Could these ideas be any worse and ye conversation any more repetitive? I could swear I am listening to a group of parrots! We will never articulate our animosity and anger to Goddamn King George by talking in circles. Let us find a solution post haste and be done with this roundabout rigamarole.

SAM ADAMS  
Then what do you suggest, Mr. Stard? 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Honestly, for all I care, you can dump every last bit of that tea in the harbor. 

TIM  
Wow. This is a huge moment in American history. I figured you’d be more patriotic here or at least not so dismissive. 

THEB A. STARD  
Listen, I don’t say this lightly, but I did A LOT for the Revolution including participating in the Tea Party. I may be the literal embodiment of America itself, but if you come between me and a bucket of fresh lobster tail, I tend to not respond politely and get annoyed easily. 

TIM  
Why did you move to Texas? We have like no good lobster here. 

THEB A. STARD  
The barbecue. Also the crab isn’t bad either. Most of my decisions are food based. I had also watched the show Dallas in the 80s and thought, “Oh I gotta get in on that”. I admittedly took it too far and tried to shoot JR Ewing myself. I was then told that JR is a fictional person and I had tried to shoot the actor Larry Hagman, who played that character.   [sing-song-y] I was then reminded Larry was on I Dream Of Jeanie with Barbra Eden who played a genie, and proceeded to try and get her to grant me 3 wishes, she did not, long story short - I bought most of the West Texas oil fields after having a fling with Barbara Eden in 1984.  

TIM  
Good to know.

THEB A. STARD  
Exactly. Everything I say is “good to know” and don’t you forget it. 

TIM  
Forget what? 

THEB A. STARD  
Don’t...don’t do that. Do you want me to raise the price of oil out of spite? I’ll blame you for it too. Make you go on TV like I did with that ENRON guy.  

TIM  
Okay, fine. 

MUSIC  
[Music comes up]

THEB A. STARD  
Speaking of raising prices, I believe I should take a moment to make money. We’ll be right back after you listen to these voice over actors sell their souls for pennies on the dollar - IE the most American thing one can do. 

MUSIC  
["America The Podcast" theme plays]

TIM  
"America The Podcast" is brought to you by Houseplants. Houseplants: kill something that doesn't scream.

MUSIC  
["America The Podcast" theme plays]

THEB A. STARD  
And we're back with America. Cast in my tale of the Boston Tea Party.

TIM  
You suggested throwing all of the tea into the harbor? 

THEB A. STARD  


THEB A. STARD  
Ah yes. While I was being slightly sarcastic, Sam Adams and the rest of the Sons of Liberty took me literally, which one should never do. 

EFFECT  
[The sound of "Boston Harbor" comes up.]

THEB IN THE PAST  
Honestly, for all I care, you can dump every last bit of that tea in the harbor.  

SAM ADAMS  
Mr. Stard has done it. All in favor? 

THE SONS OF LIBERTY & CO  
Aye!

SAM ADAMS  
This meeting can do nothing more to save the country!

THEB A. STARD  
And with that, the plan was made, albeit by accident on my part. Our group departed with a plan to meet up later that evening. I myself went home, took a nap, ate an entire chocolate cake, and napped again. Despite having unintentionally convinced my countrymen to destroy property, I was now well-rested and ready to raise hell. I grabbed my log cutting ax, my finest scarf to cover my wonderful face and protect my incredible identity, and a skin of bourbon for the walk back to the harbor.

TIM  
For the walk? 

THEB A. STARD  
It was cold out and I needed to warm up. Plus everyone else had the same idea. Well almost the same. I arrived and every single person had decided to put on brownface and dress like Mohawk natives so they could disguise themselves. 

TIM  
You didn't dress up? 

THEB A. STARD  
Aside from my incredible silk scarf, gifted to me by the King of Portugal, absolutely not. I may be an asshole, but I’m not a racist. One can be two things.

TIM  
But you’re the embodiment of America, which is, ya know, pretty racist, especially back then.

THEB A. STARD  
I am indeed the embodiment of the good and the bad in America, but like all of America, I keep the bad parts hidden as best I can until it runs out screaming something like, I don’t know, Ted Cruz’s dad killed JFK. The point is, I and America are trying to do better, albeit slowly, but indeed surly. May I continue. 

TIM  
Yes. Go on. 

TIM  
I will. I will go on. As I was shouting, me and all of my angry, drunk friends proceeded to storm all three ships that night. Everyone carried tomahawks, because, yah know, racist costume and all, while I wielded my mighty axe. I think I still have it somewhere....

EFFECT  
[Rustling sounds]

TIM  
Where are you searching in the studio? 

THEB A. STARD  
I keep all of my things here. 

TIM  
Do... Do you live here? 

THEB A. STARD  
Conversation for a different time. Ah, here it is. 

TIM  
Woah cool. Why were y’all carrying axes?

THEB A. STARD  
To destroy the boxes of tea of course! And I did so with jubulance! 

EFFECT  
[THEB IN THE PAST is heard laughing like a maniac and destorying things]

THEB IN THE PAST  
[Destorying things] Fuck you, King George!

THEB A. STARD  
Yes, we hacked open every box to ensure that all of the tea would be exposed and soaked when it reached the water. I’d say we ended up throwing over 340 crates of the stuff into the harbor that night, but only the tea though.  [slightly nervous] Nothing else. Specificity was our mission. Nothing else was reported stolen or damaged. The tea was our protest. 

TIM  
I heard that a lock was broken on the captain's storage chest though I think? 

THEB A. STARD  
Dammit! Who told you that? 

TIM  
Uhhh a history podcast I think? I don’t remember. 

THEB A. STARD  
I specifically told historians not to document that part. Irregardless, I bought the captain a new lock and sent it to him in the mail later on. 

TIM  
Why did you break the lock? 

THEB A. STARD  
I was looting his cabin of course! I was able to get away with 100 gold coins, a new tobacco pipe shaped like a kraken, and a custom dueling pistol that I would later...well let’s just say I loaned it to my friend, Aaron. At any rate, not a bad haul if I do shout so myself. What? What? Oh don’t give me that look. 

TIM  
You JUST said nothing was stolen.

THEB A. STARD  
No. I said nothing was REPORTED stolen. Irregardless, they never reported any of my bounty missing which means the captain probably stole it himself. Double irregardless, these were ships from a British company that traded in slaves as well as other terrible things like tea. The moral thing to do would be to steal from them. Remember kids, when in doubt, punch a nazi and steal from slavers. Also report both to the FBI as soon as possible. Point is, I made out like a literal bandit that night. How do you think I made all of my money if not by stealing some of it? I was a republican for over 200 years. It should have been obvious. 

TIM  
I just figured you had your hands in a lot of things.

THEB A. STARD  
And you would be correct. I am involved in almost every industry in capitalism. But I also stole a lot from the British Empire. Secrets, money, coats, land. Probably why they kicked me out of the military. Still got the wig, the status and the cash though. There were more than a few of us that lead what one could call a shady life. In fact, out of all of us, the only founding fathers that were half way decent people were John Adams and, to a hornier extent, Ben Franklin. But, alas, not everyone  could be a sex-crazed inventor or a family man that disowned his own mentally unstable, alcoholic child. Yes, some of us were of less than reputable nature, but everything arguably worked out for the best, thanks to the great American dirtbags. Me, Sam Adams, John Hancock, and others were smugglers, bootleggers, and thieves who ended up creating the magnificent country you sit in today. They say rebellions are built on hope, which may be true for most. Our’s had plenty of hope but also required some sugar, tea, guns, and other things to be stolen, smuggled, or, in the case of the tea, destroyed. At the end of the day, England heard us loud and clear. And by the “end of the day”, I mean January 20th, about a month and a half after the Tea Party took place.  From what Ben Franklin told me, upon hearing the tale of our protest, British Solicitor General Alexander Wedderburn tried to bring Ben up on charges of thievery and being without honor. Lack of honor was a HUGE crime for the Brits back then. Probably why they’re all stuffy to this day. Wedderburn was pissy about the Hutchinson Letters I mentioned at the beginning of the story - you know, the ones calling for the suppression of our liberties - and berated Ben in front of the Privy Council for hours. However, like a goddamn boss, Ben didn’t respond to a single accusation and just let Wedderburn scream like a fool. After that, they fired him from his position as Postmaster General to Goddamn King George which then prompted Ben to come back home to the colonies and run his news paper. He would eventually become our nation's first postmaster general.

TIM  
Did you have any ranking position? 

THEB A. STARD  
Oh yes. I was a colonel in the royal marines, served as a strategy advisor to General Washington during the Revolution, and I was the first head of the CIA. 

TIM  
Wasn’t the CIA founded in 1947?

THEB A. STARD  
Tim? May I call you Tim? 

TIM  
I guess so.... 

THEB A. STARD  
Tim. Let me ask you something. Have you ever heard the terms mis-information and plausible deniability?

TIM  
Yea...so your saying it was secret up until after World War 2?

THEB A. STARD  
I’m not saying anything. You are. 

TIM  
So the CIA or some form of it existed since the beginning of the country and they kept that quiet for some nefarious reason and you were it’s head? 

THEB A. STARD  
Again, your words. See! I AM getting better at not spilling secrets. Maybe I can get my job back at the CIA. Eh. I don’t want to go back to working for those drug dealers. However, spying was loads of fun and Uncle Joe does owe me a favor for the whole voting machine rigging thing I did last year for the DNC. 

TIM  
Dude! You just...

THEB A. STARD  
Just what? 

THEB A. STARD  
You just spilled…[sigh] nevermind. So is that the end?

THEB A. STARD  
It is indeed the end of this story, with many more to come. Not long after our protest, the Intolerable acts were passed and more troops sent to our shores. We even had to house them in our homes. When that happened, I was all like “I’d like to throw these soldiers in the harbor.” 

TIM  
[DEAD SILENCE]

THEB A. STARD  
And I was all like “I’d like to throw these soldiers in the harbor.” 

TIM  
[Interupting] No. I get it.

THEB A. STARD  
But, but you didn't laugh? 

TIM  
Uh huh.

THEB A. STARD  
Hmmm. Anyways. This arrival of British troops prompted a certain ride by a certain patriot to take place.

TIM  
Paul Revere? 

THEB A. STARD  
What? No. Me! Paul takes all of the credit. Mostly because he claimed that he did a lot of the work, but I WAS ALSO THERE…in a carriage with John Hancock. But! That is a story for next time. I will be in your ears again in two weeks. We'll also be releasing mini episodes with special content like reading from documents dating back to the revolution. That way we keep you...what's the word? 

TIM  
Engaged. 

THEB A. STARD  
Engaged. Right. Creating and promoting digital media is still strange to me. Back in my day, one book came out every six months. All we had was that book. And half the time the book was only 60 pages long. People these days don’t know how good they have it. Anyways. Should I keep ranting? I hear that Gen Z loves listening to old people rant about the good old days.

TIM  
Nah we’re good.

THEB A. STARD  
Perfect! I’m starving. I think I’ll go have a lobster roll. Thanks for listening, America! Good night and good fight.

THEB A. STARD  
This has been America! The Podcast hosted by me, Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment and only hope for America. Tim is also there.   You can catch my very important show every week on Itunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Shway Media or where every you get your podcasts. Go ahead give us a five star review on one of those fancy apps while you’re at it. I command it.   You can also hear the show and access more content at America the podcast dot com.   And don’t forget to watch Rapid Fire News and other segments on TikTok and Instagram at america the podcast. You can also find us o Facebook and twitter if your into that sort of a thing.   Now to contractually credit the people who help make this show possible.   America! The Podcast is a Shway Media Media Original Podcast.  Writers for the show include Thebadias A Stard, Tim Phillippe, Alanah Matos, and Michael Sisemore. Since the space time continuum doesn’t allow for the recording of audio or something dumb like that, I don’t know, the voice of Sam Adams was provided by Brad Phillippe. The mid show commercial was read by Alanah Matos. Tim and I speak for ourselves. The Executive producers for the show are  Alanah Matos and Tim Phillippe.  Sound design is by Tim Phillippe and all dialogue is recorded in Shway Media Studios.  All research and fact checking for the show was performed by Michael Sisemore and Tim Phillippe. A full list of research sources for this season of America! The Podcast is linked in the description of each episode.   The shows theme song is by Timmy Two Step and all other supporting audio heard in the show was procured through AudioBlocks.com, Freesound.org, and Ambient-Mixer.com A full list is linked in a description to this episode.  Thats it. Go on now, ya hear? 

TIM  
This has been a production of Shway Media. All rights reserved. For more information please visit ShwayMedia.com

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