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These days the news can come at you as fast as you would expect a racist to judge a black athlete for prioritizing their mental health over a sporting event. Well, I am here to shout it at you even faster. This is “Rapid Fire News”!
After uncertainty, the Senate GOP has agreed on major issues in the already bipartisan infrastructure bill. In a related story, the political party that holds both houses of Congress and the presidency is still being strong-armed by the political party that caused the January 6th Capital Riot. Next! GOP Representatives staged a maskless protest in the capitol after a new mask mandate was put in place. Upon hearing this, Delta Variant itself released a statement saying quote, "I cannot believe how easy these idiots are making it for me. I cannot wait to get at those lungs!" End quote and next! President Joe Biden has ordered that all federal and military personnel receive the COVID-19 vaccine or be tested on a regular basis. This is indeed an incredibly difficult choice to make - either get a vaccine that will likely save your life or have a Q-tip shoved up your nose every week. Decisions, decisions. This has been “Rapid Fire News”!
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THEB A. STARD
When my very important words are not enough, America cries out for more - not too much more just a hodgepodge of random segments. Thus, "America! The Mini Episode" was born! MUSIC ["America! The Mini Episode" theme plays] THEB A. STARD Hello America. It's me, Thebadias A. Stard aka the embodiment of and only hope for America, here in your ears again because I have been forced into a closet on my day off to shout at you a bunch of random things. In this episode, I will be answering your semi important questions as my questions are the only truly important ones. And then we will have a chance to listen to the audio versions of "Rapid Fire News" annd my very important segment "A Bit Of Advice", which you can catch on a normal basis on tik tok and Instagram at @Americanthepodcast. After that, we'll go to a commercial so I can make some money off of you the listener. And then we'll come back for a very important readings followed by a reading of the theme song to Liberty's kids by yours truly. That's right. The propaganda cartoon from the 2000s is getting a very dramatic reading by me, Thebadias A. Stard, the embodiment of and only hope for America. So with that, let's get to questions. MUSIC ["Semi-Important Questions" theme plays] THEB A. STARD Our first question comes from Little Scotty from Indianapolis, Indiana. Scotty writes, Dear Mr. Thebadias, what is it like living forever? Well, Scotty, it's pretty great. I can eat whatever, I want to not gain a pound. I'm the same age for all eternity. And if I can just get past the fact that all of my friends are dead, and many other friend and family I would make in my life will die before I do, which won't be until the country dies...well, it's pretty great. I love living forever, and I get to do whatever I want. So I recommend it. If you can live forever, don't become an embodiment of America because that means you will have killed me, which is impossible. So get your own thing. Our next question comes from Little Jessica from Las Vegas, Nevada. Jessica writes, Dear Mr. Thebadias, did you ever meet God damn King George in person? Well, Jessica first I don't recommend you swearing at a young age. Oh. Oh my God, this person's..how old...how old is he? 58? Oh my god. Okay, fine. Swear all you want, then. Second, yes, I did meet goddamn King George twice. Once when I was stealing a ring off his finger while I was about to be knighted, I, as a result did not get knighted and was kicked out of the military. And then I met him again when I went over to England with john adams to seal our deal as it were. The American treaty - we'll get there. Our next question comes from Little Purvis... Purvis? We're gonna have a name is Purvis. Okay. from Sacramento, California, little Purvis writes, Dear Mr. Thebadias, who is your favorite president? Well, Purvy I would have to say Theodore Roosevelt for inventing the National Park Service. And well Ronald Reagan, because he made me just stupid rich, just Oh, the the worst kind of rich. It's like unfathomable. I don't even think I think we had to make more money at one point. I don't know if that turned out well, but I've got a lot of it. That's the that's the best part. So yeah, Roosevelt and Reagan. That's me. This has been Questions. THEB A. STARD ["Semi-Important Questions" theme plays] THEB A. STARD Next to my very important mini episode, we have my recent rapid fire news as well as my other segment, a bit of advice. I will be bringing them back to back for you right now. And you can catch them every week on our TikTok and Instagram pages at @Americathepodcast. So here we go! THEB A. STARD These days the news can come at you as fast as the Covid 19 Delta variant is sweeping the nation. Well I am here to shout it at you even faster. This is “Rapid Fire News”. First Texas Governor Greg Abbot has ordered the arrests of all House Democrats who recently fled the state in order to halt the voter suppression bill put forth by the GOP. You gotta love the GOP’s new default of arresting one's political opponents. Runner Sha’Carri Richardson was recently banned from competing in the 2021 Olympics after she tested positive for using cannabis. Ah yes. Cannabis. The best performance enhancing drug. If that performance is binge watching rick and morty and eating a plate of pizza rolls. Despite the goal set forth by President Joe Biden, the United States did not reach the 70% vaccination rate by the Fourth of July. In a related story, 99.7% of people who died in May of COVID-19 were unvaccinated. That’s not a joke. Covid is real. Get your goddamn shot. This has been “Rapid Fire News”. THEB A. STARD Hello, America! It’s me - Thebadias A. Stard - AKA the embodiment of and only hope for America! I am shouting at you today in the form of my very important segment - “A Bit of Advice”. MUSIC ["A Bit Of Advice" theme plays] THEB A. STARD Today's topic: "Making green off green". TTo my former colleagues in the Republican Party, I have a bit of advice. You all like money right? Of course you do! Who doesn’t? You each would bend over backwards or forwards just for a few thousand in campaign money. However, you all like to constantly complain that the economy is losing money. That may be true at times, which is why growing the economy is so important. A quick and easy way to do that would be to - drumroll please. MUSIC [Drumroll] THEB A. STARD Legalize cannabis. That's right! It's not just for dirty hippies anymore. It turns out the sticky icky ganja can practically print money and boost the economy at the same time. In 2019 alone, the cannabis black market in California brought in almost $8.7 billion, all of which went untaxed. As for the legal market, those legal states are looking at bringing in hundreds of billions of dollars in cannabis revenue by the end of the decade. When I heard those amazing numbers, I jumped straight into that big old green pool with fellow conservatives, former Speaker of the House, John Boenner and former Texas Governor, Rick Perry. So come on in republicans, the water is fine. You know you all secretly get lit on your own time. Looking at you Mitch McConnell. Whether you like CBD, Deltas 8, 9, or 10, or good old THC there is a dollar to be made. So go ahead legalize more than just hemp. Let's get rich together off the sticky icky and pump a ton of money into the economy. Maybe the American people will like you more so you can stop rigging elections. Point of order - I can only rigged so many elections for you. So you need to do a little legwork from now on. As for the democrats, I politely say, "fuck you". You have the presidency and both houses. Don't just decriminalize it, legalize it, save the economy and be done with it. Or choke and fumble like you always do. This has been "A Bit Of Advice. THEB A. STARD I hope you've enjoyed that America. In fact, I know you did. Don't forget to follow the show on Tick Tock and Instagram to get segments every single week. And now I will be back after these messages. MUSIC ["America! The Podcast" theme plays] THEB A. STARD And I am back. So now it is time for "Very Important Readings" - a segment of the mini episode where I read important documents that date back to the Revolution. So let's spin up the theme and get to it. Anyone? Any anyone? [starteld] Jesus Christ! THEB A. STARD ["America The Beautiful" begins to play] THEB A. STARD Okay, let's see who's this first letter from? Sons of Liberty member George Hewes, George Hewes. Why do I know that name? Oh my God! He made every pair of boots I owned. That's right! Between 1770 and 1788. Yeah, I moved away from Boston after the war. I also wasn't in Boston much during the war, so but he still made all of my shoes and delivered them to my home. What does what does George have to say? Let's see. The tea destroyed was contained in three ships, lying near each other at what was called at that time Griffin’s wharf. On the day before the 17th there was a meeting of the citizens of the county of Suffolk, convened at one of the churches in Boston, for the purpose of consulting on measures. to prevent the landing of the tea, or secure the people from the collection of the duty. When the committee returned and informed the meeting of the absence of the Governor, there was a confused murmur among the members and the meeting was immediately dissolved, many of them crying out, “Let every lman do his duty, and be true to his country”. It was now evening and I immediately dressed myself in the costume of an Indian, equipped with a small hatchet. after having painted my face and hands with coal dust in the shop of a blacksmith, I repaired to Griffin’s wharf, where the ships lay that contained the tea. When I first appeared in the street after being thus disguised, I fell in with many who were dressed, equipped and painted as I was, and who fell in with me and marched in order to the place of our destination. When we arrived at the wharf, there were three of our number who assumed an authority to direct our operations, to which we readily submitted. We were immediately ordered by the respective commanders to board all the ships at the same time, which we promptly obeyed. The commander of the division to which I belonged, as soon as we were on board the ship, appointed me boatswain and ordered me to go to the captain and demand of him the keys to the hatches and a dozen candles. I made the demand accordingly, and the captain promptly replied. We then were ordered by our commander to open the hatches and take out all the chests of tea and throw them overboard, and we immediately proceeded to execute his orders, first cutting and splitting the chests with our tomahawks, so as thoroughly to expose them to the effects of the water. In about three hours from the time we went on board, we had thus broken and thrown overboard every tea chest to be found in the ship, while those in the other ships were disposing of the tea in the same way, at the same time. We were surrounded by British armed ships but no attempt was made to resist us. During the time we were throwing the tea overboard, there were several attempts made by some of the citizens of Boston and its vicinity to carry off small quantities of it for their family use. To effect that object, they would watch their opportunity to snatch up a handful from the deck, where it became plentifully scattered, and put it into their pockets. One Captain O’Connor, whom I well knew, came on board for that purpose, and when he supposed he was not noticed, filled his pockets and also the lining of his coat. But I detected him and gave information to the captain of what he was doing. We were ordered to take him into custody, and just as he was stepping from the vessel, I seized him by the skirt of his coat. He had to run a gauntlet through the crowd upon the wharf nine each one, as he passed, giving him a kick or a stroke. The next morning, after we had cleared the ships of the tea, it was discovered that very considerable quantities of it were floating upon the surface of the water; and to prevent the possibility of any of its being saved for use, a number of small boats were manned by sailors and citizens, who rowed them into those parts of the harbour wherever the tea was visible, and by beating it with oars and paddles so thoroughly drenched it as to render its entire destruction inevitable. End of statement. Exhilarating and full of run on sentences to say the least. So with that, I bring you to the moment you've all been waiting for. And if you haven't been waiting for it, well, you should go back, wait a few days and then then come back here so you will have waited for it. Otherwise, I don't know if it has the same effect. As you might have heard of my last episode, I brought up a propaganda cartoon I inadvertently advised on back in the early 2000s called Liberty's kids. The show took place during the Revolution, and was about two children who worked as journalists for Ben Franklin, who covered the war. That word for word historically accurate show had a very important theme song that I wanted to share with you today in the form of a dramatic reading. So with that, I bring you the theme song to Liberty's kids, originally performed by Aaron Carter and Kayla Hinkle. Give me a world that's equal on all sides. Let freedom flow as constant as the tides. I pray with each sunset, don't forget to rise. I live without regret for ordinary lives. I see a land with liberty for all, yet still I know the truth will rise and fall. Yes, that's just the way it goes. A word now to the wise - the world was made to change, each day is a surprise. And I know when you're looking for the truth, if you go and read between the lines, you'll discover how and why I take my heart into battle. Give that freedom bell a rattle. Get my independence signed. Declare it on the dotted line. In Philadelphia, freedom rings and patriotic voices sing, “Red, white, and blue! Never give up! We represent America!” I'm lookin' at life through my own eyes, searchin' for a hero to idolize, and feeling the pain as innocence dies. I'm looking at life through my own eyes. I'm hoping and praying for a brighter day. I listen to my heart and I obey. How can I see it any other way? I'm looking at life, yes, I’m looking at life through my own eyes. That was the theme song to Liberty's kids. And I thank you for listening America. This has been "Very Important Readings". THEB A. STARD ["America The Beautiful" begins to play] THEB A. STARD Well, America, here we are, once again at my very important end of the my very important mini episode. All of what I do is very important, if you haven't noticed. So still not sure what to do with the ends of these. So I'll just tell you to go get your COVID-19 vaccination. There's a Delta variant and from what I understand a lambda variant that are both out there running amok, mutating everywhere and will get worse, more deadly possibly, and just definitely more contagious in the fall. Remember, 99.7% of people who are dying of COVID-19 of any variant aren't vaccinated. So please listen to Fox News, Sean Hannity, and go get vaccinated. If you aren't gonna listen to me or any of the liberal people out there, go ahead and listen to Fox News because they're telling you to get vaccinated now as well. All right, that's it. Good night America. Good night and good. Fight. I know I said Good night twice, but I'm not going to change it. THEB A. STARD This has been America! The Podcast hosted by me, Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment and only hope for America. Tim is also there. You can catch my very important show every week on Itunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Shway Media or wherever you get your podcasts. Go ahead give us a five star review on one of those fancy apps while you’re at it. I command it. You can also hear the show and access more content at America the podcast dot com. And don’t forget to watch Rapid Fire News and other segments on TikTok and Instagram at america the podcast. You can also find us on Facebook and twitter if you're into that sort of a thing. Now to contractually credit the people who help make this show possible. America! The Podcast is a Shway Media Media Original Podcast. Writers for the show include Thebadias A Stard, Tim Phillippe, Alanah Matos, and Michael Sisemore. The Executive producers for the show are Alanah Matos and Tim Phillippe. Sound design is by Tim Phillippe and all dialogue is mixed in Shway Media Studios. All research and fact checking for the show was performed by Michael Sisemore and Tim Phillippe. A full list of research sources for this season of America! The Podcast is linked in the description of each episode. The shows theme song is by Timmy Two Step and all other supporting audio heard in the show was procured through AudioBlocks.com, Freesound.org, and Ambient-Mixer.com That's it. Go on now, ya hear? ANNOUNCER This has been a production of Shway Media. All rights reserved. For more information please visit ShwayMedia.com THEB A. STARD
Hello, America! It’s me - Thebadias A. Stard - AKA the embodiment of and only hope for America! I am shouting at you today in the form of my very important segment - “A Bit of Advice”. MUSIC ["A Bit Of Advice" theme plays] THEB A. STARD Today's topic: "Making green off green". To my former colleagues in the Republican Party, I have a bit of advice. You all like money right? Of course you do! Who doesn’t? You each would bend over backwards or forwards just for a few thousand in campaign money. However, you all like to constantly complain that the economy is losing money. That may be true at times, which is why growing the economy is so important. A quick and easy way to do that would be to - drumroll please. EFFECT [Drumroll] THEB A. STARD Legalize cannabis. That's right! It's not just for dirty hippies anymore. It turns out the sticky icky ganja can practically print money and boost the economy at the same time. In 2019 alone, the cannabis black market in California brought in almost $8.7 billion, all of which went untaxed. As for the legal market, those legal states are looking at bringing in hundreds of billions of dollars in cannabis revenue by the end of the decade. When I heard those amazing numbers, I jumped straight into that big old green pool with fellow conservatives, former Speaker of the House, John Boenner and former Texas Governor, Rick Perry. So come on in republicans, the water is fine. You know you all secretly get lit on your own time. Looking at you Mitch McConnell. Whether you like CBD, Deltas 8, 9, or 10, or good old THC there is a dollar to be made. So go ahead legalize more than just hemp. Let's get rich together off the sticky icky and pump a ton of money into the economy. Maybe the American people will like you more so you can stop rigging elections. Point of order - I can only rigged so many elections for you. So you need to do a little legwork from now on. As for the democrats, I politely say, "fuck you". You have the presidency and both houses. Don't just decriminalize it, legalize it, save the economy and be done with it. Or choke and fumble like you always do. This has been "A Bit Of Advice. MUSIC
["Stars & Stripes Forever" by John Philip Sousa begins to play] ANNOUNCER This episode of “America! The Podcast” is brought to you by America's newest subscription service - “The Real American Paid politician Program”. Hey, there friend! You look glum! Are you a CEO who’s tired of pesky, well-meaning politicians getting in the way of your private world domination? Are you fed up with paying lobbyists millions of your hard swindled American dollars to push your personal political opinions? Well, have I got the solution for youuuuu! Introducing America’s newest subscription service - “The Real American Paid politician Program”. With “The Real American Paid politician Program” you can say “bye bye” to worrying about which way your paid off patsy will vote. Our politicians are not only loyal to whatever cause they’re paid to care about, they’re guaranteed to win any election or your money back! Yes, we’ve got everything from senators to governors and you can even pick from our list of presidential candidates when you subscribe at the Double Do Deca Premium Level. And if you act now, we’ll throw in a city council person who can help you strip mine the resources in any town of your choice. If you’re still unsure if “The Real American Paid politician Program” is right for you, check out our recent rave reviews from the Democratic Party! That’s “The Real American Paid politician Program” Available wherever freedom is sold. Your 12 month subscription will renew automatically each year, offer not valid in Alaska. THEB A. STARD We interrupt this episode of America podcast for some very important words. Hello, America. It's me, Thebadias A. Stard aka the embodiment of and only hope for America, here to remind you to not miss our new mini episodes that will be on our off week. These episodes will contain audio versions of "Rapid Fire News" and my Very Important Segments, as well as Very Special Readings from documents from the Revolution. And in the case of this episode, a Very Special Reading of a very special song next week. And lastly, don't forget to tell your friends about “America! The Podcast” and you yourselves need to go and subscribe and or leave a review right now. Right now. Go. I'll wait. Oh, I can't wait. Okay, well, then it's time for the show. And by that, I mean it's time for “America! The Podcast”! MUSIC ["The America! The Podcast" theme plays] TIM So what did you do this weekend? THEB A. STARD I rewatched every episode of Liberty’s Kids. TIM The hell is Liberty’s Kids? THEB A. STARD It’s a propaganda cartoon I indirectly advised on back during the Bush years. The second Bush. Baby Bush. The show stars Walter Cronkite as Benjamin Franklin, Annette benning as Abigail adams, Billy Crystal as John adams, Michael Douglas as Patrick Henry, Sylvester Stallone as Paul Revere, Dustin Hoffman as Benedict Arnold, Maria Shriver as Benedict’s Wife, Peggy Shippen, Michael York as Admiral Lord Howe (known as black dick), Arnold Schwarzenegger as Baron Von Steuben, Liem Nelson as John Paul Jones, Don Francisco as Governor Galvez, Whoopie Goldberg as Deborah Sampson, my friend Warren Buffet as my friend James Madison, Yolanda King as Elizabeth Freeman, and of course, Ben Stiller as Thomas Jefferson, the obvious casting choice. Put a link to the show in the description of this episode. Its on Youtube. Every episode. TIM Damn that is a stacked cast. Is it good? THEB A. STARD Of course it is! It’s about the history of the American Revolution AND it’s an early 2000s cartoon. Millennials and Gen Z will love it. I’m also happy to report the cartoon still holds up. Word for word historically accurate, down to the epic theme song that played every morning in the colonies. Yes, who could forget timeless lyrics like “I'm Lookin' at life through my own eyes, Searchin' for a hero to idolize, Feeling the pain as innocence dies, I'm looking at life through my own eyes.” And if you’re wondering, yes, there is a rap and, YES, it is the best hip hop track ever produced. The song was performed Aaron Carter and Kayla Hinkle and they are indeed the best pop stars America ever produced. TIM That's not true. Even objectively. THEB A. STARD What do you know, Mr. Bands We Love To Hate? Speaking of, where is that show and why am I not on it?! TIM New episodes are in production now and you’re not on it because the only musician you like, other than I guess Aaron Carter and Kayla Hinkle, is John Phillip Souza. THEB A. STARD Ah. That is very true. I will always argue that “Stars And Stripes Forever” is the best song to ever enter the ears of mankind. Yes, Ol Sooz was the original pop star and that wonderful tune was the original “banger.” TIM Lemme guess, did he steal it from you? THEB A. STARD No, Souza was a bastard, not the good kind like me, of course, but he wasn’t a thief. However, I will tell you of a thief who did thieve from your’s truly. The year was 1775 and… TIM Wait a sec. THEB A. STARD I told you, I can’t help the story-driven time travel thing. Its an involuntary reaction. Doctors are baffled by it, as well as so many other things about me. TIM No that’s not it. I mean, 1775? That’s a huge jump forward. I thought we were doing the Boston Tea Party. THEB A. STARD Yes I said that but there’s not much to tell. A bunch of white men got mad about some boats filled with tea, dressed up as natives, and threw the tea into the ocean. It really isn’t the shining moment people think it is. TIM What do you mean? MUSIC ["Yankee Doodle" plays] THEB A. STARD A year before the Boston Tea Party, my dear friend and winner of America’s Horniest Inventor 3 years in a row, Ben Franklin, was serving as Postmaster General in England. He had received several letters containing correspondence between then Massachusetts Governor Thomas Hutchinson, then Lieutenant Governor Andrew Oliver and British law enforcement. The two of them were basically snitching on the colonies and discussed taking away colonial liberties to suppress the rebellion. Those letters were later published in the Boston Gazette in June 1773 albeit against Ben’s wishes. More on that at the end. Needless to say, that pissed off the lot of us and that anger festered for several more months. EFFECT [The sound of "Boston Harbor" comes up] THEB A. STARD On December 16, 1773, several thousand people had taken to the streets, angered at the presence of some East India Company ships. A ship known as the Dartmouth had arrived in Griffin’s Wharf several weeks earlier, followed by two other ships, the Beaver and the Eleanor, all containing containers of chinese tea and other goods. Several weeks earlier, when the first ship arrived, Bostonians had petitioned Governor Hutchinson in the form of an armed mob to have the tea sent back. However, that petition was refused. Which was odd, as mobs armed with pitchforks and clubs usually get what they want in my experience. Instead the governor tried to force the people to pay the tax, which we promptly refused to do. EFFECT ["Boston Harbor" sounds fade and the sound of the Old South Meeting House comes up.] THEB A. STARD The morning of the 16th, Me, Sam Adams, John Hancock, other Sons of Liberty members, as well as members of Paul Revere’s North Caucus Club, and a plethora of townspeople were gathering at the Old South Meeting House to discuss what was to be done about these blasted ships full of British goods. Sam was giving a rant that would make Tucker Carlson say, whoa this guy talks way too much. It was rather boring so I left to grabbed some food while he droned on. TIM You left in the middle of a speech by THE Sam Adams? THEB A. STARD Well to me he’s just Sam, the guy I drank and discussed liberty with. Honestly, once you’ve heard one rant about liberty, you’ve heard them all. TIM That’s surprising coming from you. THEB A. STARD Listen, when I speak my very important words, they’re intentional. Sam just liked to pick fights when he was drunk and liked to hear the sound of his own voice. Real talk - if it hadn’t been for Sam's drinking problem, we might still be under British rule. TIM Wait. Wasn’t it the morning time? Why was Sam drunk? THEB A. STARD Because it’s Boston. Everyone was and is wasted 24/7. And if they say they’re not, they’re a lying drunk. TIM Right. I’m getting the feeling everyone was just drunk throughout the Revolution. THEB A. STARD More or less, but the water was disgusting. Beer and wine was healthier to drink. TIM Fair enough. THEB A. STARD After I got back from my favored local lobster merchant, I took a seat at the bar to enjoy a bucket of fresh lobster tail. Meanwhile, John, Sam, and the lot continued discussing what to do about the tea tax imposed by Goddamn King George as well as those three ships full of the disgusting swill. TIM Oh yeah, you hate tea. Wasn't tea a huge part of everyone’s lives? THEB A. STARD Of course! People back then drank over a million gallons per year, but that doesn’t mean I had to like it. However, I was still just as upset about the tax as my countrymen were. Everyone seemed to have an idea on what to do about the ships - setting them on fire, making a bunch of waves in the harbor to capsize them, seeing if Salem had any more witches leftover who could make the ships disappear - Steven Clevery came up with that one. He uh...did not live up to his name's sake a lot of the time. It went on like that all morning and into the afternoon. Idea after idea was thrown around. I, still eating my lobster tail and growing tired of the back and forth, especially when I hate tea, finally chimed in and shouted... THEB IN THE PAST My god sirs! Could these ideas be any worse and ye conversation any more repetitive? I could swear I am listening to a group of parrots! We will never articulate our animosity and anger to Goddamn King George by talking in circles. Let us find a solution post haste and be done with this roundabout rigamarole. SAM ADAMS Then what do you suggest, Mr. Stard? THEB IN THE PAST Honestly, for all I care, you can dump every last bit of that tea in the harbor. TIM Wow. This is a huge moment in American history. I figured you’d be more patriotic here or at least not so dismissive. THEB A. STARD Listen, I don’t say this lightly, but I did A LOT for the Revolution including participating in the Tea Party. I may be the literal embodiment of America itself, but if you come between me and a bucket of fresh lobster tail, I tend to not respond politely and get annoyed easily. TIM Why did you move to Texas? We have like no good lobster here. THEB A. STARD The barbecue. Also the crab isn’t bad either. Most of my decisions are food based. I had also watched the show Dallas in the 80s and thought, “Oh I gotta get in on that”. I admittedly took it too far and tried to shoot JR Ewing myself. I was then told that JR is a fictional person and I had tried to shoot the actor Larry Hagman, who played that character. [sing-song-y] I was then reminded Larry was on I Dream Of Jeanie with Barbra Eden who played a genie, and proceeded to try and get her to grant me 3 wishes, she did not, long story short - I bought most of the West Texas oil fields after having a fling with Barbara Eden in 1984. TIM Good to know. THEB A. STARD Exactly. Everything I say is “good to know” and don’t you forget it. TIM Forget what? THEB A. STARD Don’t...don’t do that. Do you want me to raise the price of oil out of spite? I’ll blame you for it too. Make you go on TV like I did with that ENRON guy. TIM Okay, fine. MUSIC [Music comes up] THEB A. STARD Speaking of raising prices, I believe I should take a moment to make money. We’ll be right back after you listen to these voice over actors sell their souls for pennies on the dollar - IE the most American thing one can do. MUSIC ["America The Podcast" theme plays] TIM "America The Podcast" is brought to you by Houseplants. Houseplants: kill something that doesn't scream. MUSIC ["America The Podcast" theme plays] THEB A. STARD And we're back with America. Cast in my tale of the Boston Tea Party. TIM You suggested throwing all of the tea into the harbor? THEB A. STARD THEB A. STARD Ah yes. While I was being slightly sarcastic, Sam Adams and the rest of the Sons of Liberty took me literally, which one should never do. EFFECT [The sound of "Boston Harbor" comes up.] THEB IN THE PAST Honestly, for all I care, you can dump every last bit of that tea in the harbor. SAM ADAMS Mr. Stard has done it. All in favor? THE SONS OF LIBERTY & CO Aye! SAM ADAMS This meeting can do nothing more to save the country! THEB A. STARD And with that, the plan was made, albeit by accident on my part. Our group departed with a plan to meet up later that evening. I myself went home, took a nap, ate an entire chocolate cake, and napped again. Despite having unintentionally convinced my countrymen to destroy property, I was now well-rested and ready to raise hell. I grabbed my log cutting ax, my finest scarf to cover my wonderful face and protect my incredible identity, and a skin of bourbon for the walk back to the harbor. TIM For the walk? THEB A. STARD It was cold out and I needed to warm up. Plus everyone else had the same idea. Well almost the same. I arrived and every single person had decided to put on brownface and dress like Mohawk natives so they could disguise themselves. TIM You didn't dress up? THEB A. STARD Aside from my incredible silk scarf, gifted to me by the King of Portugal, absolutely not. I may be an asshole, but I’m not a racist. One can be two things. TIM But you’re the embodiment of America, which is, ya know, pretty racist, especially back then. THEB A. STARD I am indeed the embodiment of the good and the bad in America, but like all of America, I keep the bad parts hidden as best I can until it runs out screaming something like, I don’t know, Ted Cruz’s dad killed JFK. The point is, I and America are trying to do better, albeit slowly, but indeed surly. May I continue. TIM Yes. Go on. TIM I will. I will go on. As I was shouting, me and all of my angry, drunk friends proceeded to storm all three ships that night. Everyone carried tomahawks, because, yah know, racist costume and all, while I wielded my mighty axe. I think I still have it somewhere.... EFFECT [Rustling sounds] TIM Where are you searching in the studio? THEB A. STARD I keep all of my things here. TIM Do... Do you live here? THEB A. STARD Conversation for a different time. Ah, here it is. TIM Woah cool. Why were y’all carrying axes? THEB A. STARD To destroy the boxes of tea of course! And I did so with jubulance! EFFECT [THEB IN THE PAST is heard laughing like a maniac and destorying things] THEB IN THE PAST [Destorying things] Fuck you, King George! THEB A. STARD Yes, we hacked open every box to ensure that all of the tea would be exposed and soaked when it reached the water. I’d say we ended up throwing over 340 crates of the stuff into the harbor that night, but only the tea though. [slightly nervous] Nothing else. Specificity was our mission. Nothing else was reported stolen or damaged. The tea was our protest. TIM I heard that a lock was broken on the captain's storage chest though I think? THEB A. STARD Dammit! Who told you that? TIM Uhhh a history podcast I think? I don’t remember. THEB A. STARD I specifically told historians not to document that part. Irregardless, I bought the captain a new lock and sent it to him in the mail later on. TIM Why did you break the lock? THEB A. STARD I was looting his cabin of course! I was able to get away with 100 gold coins, a new tobacco pipe shaped like a kraken, and a custom dueling pistol that I would later...well let’s just say I loaned it to my friend, Aaron. At any rate, not a bad haul if I do shout so myself. What? What? Oh don’t give me that look. TIM You JUST said nothing was stolen. THEB A. STARD No. I said nothing was REPORTED stolen. Irregardless, they never reported any of my bounty missing which means the captain probably stole it himself. Double irregardless, these were ships from a British company that traded in slaves as well as other terrible things like tea. The moral thing to do would be to steal from them. Remember kids, when in doubt, punch a nazi and steal from slavers. Also report both to the FBI as soon as possible. Point is, I made out like a literal bandit that night. How do you think I made all of my money if not by stealing some of it? I was a republican for over 200 years. It should have been obvious. TIM I just figured you had your hands in a lot of things. THEB A. STARD And you would be correct. I am involved in almost every industry in capitalism. But I also stole a lot from the British Empire. Secrets, money, coats, land. Probably why they kicked me out of the military. Still got the wig, the status and the cash though. There were more than a few of us that lead what one could call a shady life. In fact, out of all of us, the only founding fathers that were half way decent people were John Adams and, to a hornier extent, Ben Franklin. But, alas, not everyone could be a sex-crazed inventor or a family man that disowned his own mentally unstable, alcoholic child. Yes, some of us were of less than reputable nature, but everything arguably worked out for the best, thanks to the great American dirtbags. Me, Sam Adams, John Hancock, and others were smugglers, bootleggers, and thieves who ended up creating the magnificent country you sit in today. They say rebellions are built on hope, which may be true for most. Our’s had plenty of hope but also required some sugar, tea, guns, and other things to be stolen, smuggled, or, in the case of the tea, destroyed. At the end of the day, England heard us loud and clear. And by the “end of the day”, I mean January 20th, about a month and a half after the Tea Party took place. From what Ben Franklin told me, upon hearing the tale of our protest, British Solicitor General Alexander Wedderburn tried to bring Ben up on charges of thievery and being without honor. Lack of honor was a HUGE crime for the Brits back then. Probably why they’re all stuffy to this day. Wedderburn was pissy about the Hutchinson Letters I mentioned at the beginning of the story - you know, the ones calling for the suppression of our liberties - and berated Ben in front of the Privy Council for hours. However, like a goddamn boss, Ben didn’t respond to a single accusation and just let Wedderburn scream like a fool. After that, they fired him from his position as Postmaster General to Goddamn King George which then prompted Ben to come back home to the colonies and run his news paper. He would eventually become our nation's first postmaster general. TIM Did you have any ranking position? THEB A. STARD Oh yes. I was a colonel in the royal marines, served as a strategy advisor to General Washington during the Revolution, and I was the first head of the CIA. TIM Wasn’t the CIA founded in 1947? THEB A. STARD Tim? May I call you Tim? TIM I guess so.... THEB A. STARD Tim. Let me ask you something. Have you ever heard the terms mis-information and plausible deniability? TIM Yea...so your saying it was secret up until after World War 2? THEB A. STARD I’m not saying anything. You are. TIM So the CIA or some form of it existed since the beginning of the country and they kept that quiet for some nefarious reason and you were it’s head? THEB A. STARD Again, your words. See! I AM getting better at not spilling secrets. Maybe I can get my job back at the CIA. Eh. I don’t want to go back to working for those drug dealers. However, spying was loads of fun and Uncle Joe does owe me a favor for the whole voting machine rigging thing I did last year for the DNC. TIM Dude! You just... THEB A. STARD Just what? THEB A. STARD You just spilled…[sigh] nevermind. So is that the end? THEB A. STARD It is indeed the end of this story, with many more to come. Not long after our protest, the Intolerable acts were passed and more troops sent to our shores. We even had to house them in our homes. When that happened, I was all like “I’d like to throw these soldiers in the harbor.” TIM [DEAD SILENCE] THEB A. STARD And I was all like “I’d like to throw these soldiers in the harbor.” TIM [Interupting] No. I get it. THEB A. STARD But, but you didn't laugh? TIM Uh huh. THEB A. STARD Hmmm. Anyways. This arrival of British troops prompted a certain ride by a certain patriot to take place. TIM Paul Revere? THEB A. STARD What? No. Me! Paul takes all of the credit. Mostly because he claimed that he did a lot of the work, but I WAS ALSO THERE…in a carriage with John Hancock. But! That is a story for next time. I will be in your ears again in two weeks. We'll also be releasing mini episodes with special content like reading from documents dating back to the revolution. That way we keep you...what's the word? TIM Engaged. THEB A. STARD Engaged. Right. Creating and promoting digital media is still strange to me. Back in my day, one book came out every six months. All we had was that book. And half the time the book was only 60 pages long. People these days don’t know how good they have it. Anyways. Should I keep ranting? I hear that Gen Z loves listening to old people rant about the good old days. TIM Nah we’re good. THEB A. STARD Perfect! I’m starving. I think I’ll go have a lobster roll. Thanks for listening, America! Good night and good fight. THEB A. STARD This has been America! The Podcast hosted by me, Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment and only hope for America. Tim is also there. You can catch my very important show every week on Itunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Shway Media or where every you get your podcasts. Go ahead give us a five star review on one of those fancy apps while you’re at it. I command it. You can also hear the show and access more content at America the podcast dot com. And don’t forget to watch Rapid Fire News and other segments on TikTok and Instagram at america the podcast. You can also find us o Facebook and twitter if your into that sort of a thing. Now to contractually credit the people who help make this show possible. America! The Podcast is a Shway Media Media Original Podcast. Writers for the show include Thebadias A Stard, Tim Phillippe, Alanah Matos, and Michael Sisemore. Since the space time continuum doesn’t allow for the recording of audio or something dumb like that, I don’t know, the voice of Sam Adams was provided by Brad Phillippe. The mid show commercial was read by Alanah Matos. Tim and I speak for ourselves. The Executive producers for the show are Alanah Matos and Tim Phillippe. Sound design is by Tim Phillippe and all dialogue is recorded in Shway Media Studios. All research and fact checking for the show was performed by Michael Sisemore and Tim Phillippe. A full list of research sources for this season of America! The Podcast is linked in the description of each episode. The shows theme song is by Timmy Two Step and all other supporting audio heard in the show was procured through AudioBlocks.com, Freesound.org, and Ambient-Mixer.com A full list is linked in a description to this episode. Thats it. Go on now, ya hear? TIM This has been a production of Shway Media. All rights reserved. For more information please visit ShwayMedia.com These days the news can come at you as fast as the Covid 19 Delta variant is sweeping the nation. Well I am here to shout it at you even faster. This is “Rapid Fire News”.
First! Texas Governor Greg Abbot has ordered the arrests of all House Democrats who recently fled the state in order to halt the voter suppression bill put forth by the GOP. You gotta love the GOP’s new default of arresting one's political opponents. Next! Runner Sha’Carri Richardson was recently banned from competing in the 2021 Olympics after she tested positive for using cannabis. Ah yes. Cannabis. The best performance enhancing drug. If that performance is binge watching rick and morty and eating a plate of pizza rolls. Next! Despite the goal set forth by President Joe Biden, the United States did not reach the 70% vaccination rate by the Fourth of July. In a related story, 99.7% of people who died in May of COVID-19 were unvaccinated. That’s not a joke. Covid is real. Get your goddamn shot. This has been “Rapid Fire News”. THEB A. STARD
When my very important words are not enough, America cries out for more. Thus, "America! The Mini Episode" was born. MUSIC ["America! The Mini Episode" theme plays] THEB A. STARD Well, America, here I am with you, again, before our scheduled program. Why? Well, it's come to my attention that some of you forget I exist nearly a week or so after my show comes out. Sometimes the show only comes up once a month. And that's not great. Well, we're aiming to do better. And I'm going to be talking to you all of the time. That's right. These will be mini episodes. These will come after the regular scheduled program that came out last week. In these episodes, I will deliver an audio version of "Rapid Fire News" that you can find on our Instagram page, @AmericaThePodcast, you also hear audio versions of the videos that we'll be putting out, such as "Did You Know This?!" and "Stop it!". And with the other one, I forget. But it's awesome. I can tell you that much. I will also be performing readings of letters from friends and fellow countrymen from back in the 1770s through the 1780s. These will coincide with the episodes that we previously did. In this case, the Boston Massacre - a terribly fun event that I got to ring a bell at and yell "fire". Also some people died. But it led to America, so here we are. And by here we are I mean the mini episode. So let's get to questions. MUSIC ["Slightly Important Questions" Chime] THEB A. STARD A little Jimmy from Albuquerque, New Mexico writes, how rich are you? Mr. Seven is? Little Jimmy from Albuquerque, New Mexico writes, "How rich are you, Mr Thebadias?". Well Jimmy, like most billionaires who border on trillionaires, whether the government knows it or not, I am often worth anything from a ton to a shit ton, but never a metric ton because that would be an American. If you're able to put it into numbers, there would be a lot of zeros. Sometimes the five, sometimes not. One time, there was even a six and I was like, "Whoa, that's awesome". But I digress. Simply put I am so rich. I can buy most countries. And I do mean most there's only like 160 something and most. Moving on. Little Alison from Eugene, Oregon writes "Are Donald Trump's hands really that small?". Well, Alison, unlike what I was planning to do, I won't lie to you. Donald Trump's hands really are that small. There was talk of having them replaced with doe hands for a while but we just simply couldn't afford it. I mean, Donald Trump's basically broke. That's the real story here - small hands and broke. Moving on. Little Bradley from Tampa Bay, Florida writes "Does every country have an embodiment of an only hope for itself?". Well, Bradley, the short answer is yes. The long answer might awaken an old god. But the only answer you need to know is that I, Thebadias A. Stard, aka "The Bastard", aka the embodiment of and only hope for America are the only - Am the only - am! Am the only embodiment you need to worry your head about and that goes for the rest of you, America. Now, moving on, or I guess we're at the end of the segment. THEB A. STARD ["Slightly Important Questions" chime] THEB A. STARD Okay, that said we're done with questions and well, I guess we'll be back in a moment. MUSIC [The "America! The Podcast" theme plays] THEB A. STARD AAnd we're back. So as you, a fan or anybody who I secretly use "Inception" technology on at night, might know, I am putting my very important segments such as "Did You Know This?!" and "Rapid Fire News" on Tiktok and Instagram. Well, the segments are going on Instagram "Rapid Fire News" is going on Tiktok. One of those very important segments premiered this past Sunday. And I take you to that now. You'll notice the difference in audio because somebody and I'm not saying who...TIM...got lazy. Here's my recent very important segment. THEB A. STARD Hello, America! It’s me - Thebadias A. Stard - the embodiment of and only hope for America, as well as the host of “America! The Podcast!” on Shway Media. I am here once again to bring you my very important segment, “Did You Know This?!”. MUSIC [“Did You Know This?!” theme plays] THEB A. STARD Did you know this? Recently, and by recently, I mean back on April 21st, 2021, America celebrated Earth Day. I meant to put out a very important statement on the day itself, but I was still too high from 4/20. A Did you know this? Recently, and by recently, I mean back on April 21st, 2021, America celebrated Earth Day. I meant to put out a very important statement on the day itself, but I was still too high from 4/20. As a matter of fact, I’m still pretty high and it’s July. Whoa. I rhymed. [CLEARS THROAT] Rule of thumb, America - never eat a whole plate of cannabis brownies. Or always eat a whole plate depending on what you’re going for. Anyways, now for my very aforementioned very important statement. Did you know this? Did you know that the Earth is dying as a result of humanity’s fossil fuel and plastic pollution? Well actually, the Earth won't die, but will instead become unlivable for humanity. Something I was ok with until I found out a shocking truth! Did you know that America is on Earth AND filled with humans? This revelation makes me want to do something and also makes me feel a little responsible. I mean I did invest 100s of billions of dollars into fossil fuels over the past century. I also keep a condo on the garbage continent in the Pacific ocean. Not the one in the Atlantic. That garbage continent is for poor people. It also has a high percentage of old Blackberry chargers. Fun fact. Irregardless, to prevent the earth from killing all of America and I guess the rest of the world, I will be investing all of my hard swindled American dollars in green energy from now on and supporting green initiatives. You should also do the same, because if you don’t...I will find you. [pause] To learn more on how to save the planet, i invite you to read the text of the Green New Deal. It’s real short. Like 14 pages. To now. I’ll wait. Oh I can’t wait. Hmm. You could also go back in time and tell your younger self to listen to Al Gore and his Inconvenient Truth. I know he’s boring, but he was on Futurama and once got so drunk on Tequila he tried to buy Twitter, so I guess it evens out....This has been "Did You Know This?!" THEB A. STARD Well, America, I hope you learned something. Now. We'll be back in a moment. MUSIC [The "America! The Podcast" theme plays] THEB A. STARD And we're back with "America! The Mini Episode". So, as you know, on my very important regularly scheduled program "America! The Podcast", this season, we're discussing the American Revolution from my very important perspective. And as such, I wanted to give you a little bit more of a perspective than just my own. So every mini episode I will be reading letters or documents that come from that era. Some were written by fellow countrymen, some were written by friends of mine, all of them written by Americans, and should also be noted, but not necessarily considering this entire thing is about a war. Some of these letters may contain descriptions of violence. So if that makes you uneasy, maybe don't listen to this part. Is that good? My producer, audio engineer man, Jonathan says it's good. Okay. Tim's not here. Tim has other things to do apparently. Anyways, that said, now it is time for "Very Important Writings". MUSIC ["America The Beautiful" comes up] THEB A. STARD Our first letter is actually an affidavit from a man named Charles Hobbie, a citizen of Boston, who testified in the trial of the Boston Massacre. Mr. Hobbie writes, “Between the hours of nine and ten o’clock, being in my master’s house, was alarmed with the cry of fire, I ran down as far as the town-house and then heard that the soldiers and the inhabitants were fighting in the alley… I then left them and went to King street. I then saw a party of soldiers loading their muskets about the Custom-house door, after which they all shouldered. I heard some of the inhabitants cry out, “heave no snowballs”, others cried “they dare not fire”. Captain Preston was then standing by the soldiers, when a snow ball struck a grenadier, who immediately fired, Captain Preston standing close by him. The Captain then spoke distinctly, “Fire, Fire!” I was then within four feet of Capt. Preston, and know him well. The soldiers fired as fast as they could one after another. I saw [Crispus Attucks] fall, and Samuel Gray went to look at him, one of the soldiers, at a distance of about four or five yards, pointed his piece directly for the said Gray’s head and fired. Mr Gray, after struggling, turned himself right round upon his heel and fell dead.” End of statement. Very sad, but very, not that accurate. Because as we all know, I am the one that threw the rock and shouted fire. Also, so many other people threw rocks and yelled fire, we really can post blame, not on me at least like who's to say. I mean, I know I said I'm the one that literally did it, but, you know, the British were found not guilty, mostly by this next statement from Thomas Preston. And with the help of John Adams. It's why you don't get a monument, John. We made sure of that. That said, here's the testimony of one Thomas Preston, Captain in the army of Goddamn King George. “The mob still increased and were outrageous, striking their clubs or bludgeons one against another, and calling out “Come on you rascals, you bloody backs, you lobster scoundrels, fire if you dare, God damn you, fire and be damned, we know you dare not”, and much more such language was used. At this time I was between the soldiers and the mob, parleying with and endeavouring all in my power to persuade them to retire peaceably, but to no purpose. They [the civilians] advanced to the points of the bayonets, struck some of them and even the muzzles of the pieces, and seemed to be endeavouring to close with the soldiers. On which some well-behaved persons asked me if the guns were charged. I replied yes. They then asked me if I intended to order the men to fire. I answered no, by no means, observing to them that I was advanced before the muzzles of the men’s pieces, and must fall a sacrifice if they fired; that the soldiers were upon the half cock and charged bayonets, and my giving the word fire under those circumstances would prove me to be no officer. While I was thus speaking one of the soldiers, having received a severe blow with a stick, stepped a little to one side and instantly fired… On this a general attack was made on the men by a great number of heavy clubs and snowballs being thrown at them, by which all our lives were in imminent danger… some persons at the same time from behind calling out “Damn your bloods, why don’t you fire”. Instantly three or four of the soldiers fired… On my asking the soldiers why they fired without orders, they said they heard the word ‘fire’ and supposed it came from me. This might be the case as many of the mob called out fire, fire, but I assured the men that I gave no such order… that my words were “don’t fire, stop your firing". End up statement. As you can see, there are multiple sides of the same story. And unless you take my very important words as fact, and you better, we may never know who actually caused the Boston Massacre. I fully admit I may have played my part. But, you know, like I said before, Bada bing, Bada bang, here we are. THEB A. STARD ["America The Beautiful" comes up] THEB A. STARD Then with that, I guess it's time to end the mini episode. I will see you again next week with my tale of the Boston Tea Party. Tell your friends and subscribe to us on iTunes, Stitcher, Shway Media or wherever you get your podcasts. I will be in your ears again soon, America. Good night, and good fight. MUSIC ["America! The Podcast" theme plays] THEB A. STARD This has been America! The Podcast hosted by me, Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment and only hope for America. Tim is also there. You can catch my very important show every week on Itunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Shway Media or where every you get your podcasts. Go ahead give us a five star review on one of those fancy apps while you’re at it. I command it. You can also hear the show and access more content at America the podcast dot com. And don’t forget to watch Rapid Fire News and other segments on TikTok and Instagram at america the podcast. You can also find us o Facebook and twitter if your into that sort of a thing. Now to contractually credit the people who help make this show possible. America! The Podcast is a Shway Media Media Original Podcast. Writers for the show include Thebadias A Stard, Tim Phillippe, Alanah Matos, and Michael Sisemore. The Executive producers for the show are Alanah Matos and Tim Phillippe. Sound design is by Tim Phillippe and all dialogue is recorded in Shway Media Studios. All research and fact checking for the show was performed by Michael Sisemore and Tim Phillippe. A full list of research sources for this season of America! The Podcast is linked in the description of each episode. The shows theme song is by Timmy Two Step and all other supporting audio heard in the show was procured through AudioBlocks.com, Freesound.org, and Ambient-Mixer.com A full list is linked in a description to this episode. Thats it. Go on now, ya hear? ANNOUNCER This has been a production of Shway Media. All rights reserved. For more information please visit ShwayMedia.com. Hello, America! It’s me - Thebadias A. Stard - the embodiment of and only hope for America, as well as the host of “America! The Podcast!” on Shway Media. I am here once again to bring you my very important segment, “Did You Know This?!”
[“Did You Know This?!” theme plays] Did you know this? Recently, and by recently, I mean back on April 21st, 2021, America celebrated Earth Day. I meant to put out a very important statement on the day itself, but I was still too high from 4/20. As a matter of fact, I’m still pretty high and it’s July. Whoa. I rhymed. [CLEARS THROAT] Rule of thumb, America - never eat a whole plate of cannabis brownies. Or always eat a whole plate depending on what you’re going for. Anyways, now for my very aforementioned very important statement. Did you know this? Did you know that the Earth is dying as a result of humanity’s fossil fuel and plastic pollution? Well actually, the Earth won't die, but will instead become unlivable for humanity. Something I was ok with until I found out a shocking truth! Did you know that America is on Earth AND filled with humans? This revelation makes me want to do something and also makes me feel a little responsible. I mean I did invest 100s of billions of dollars into fossil fuels over the past century. I also keep a condo on the garbage continent in the Pacific ocean. Not the one in the Atlantic. That garbage continent is for poor people. It also has a high percentage of old Blackberry chargers. Fun fact. Irregardless, to prevent the earth from killing all of America and I guess the rest of the world, I will be investing all of my hard swindled American dollars in green energy from now on and supporting green initiatives. You should also do the same, because if you don’t...I will find you. [pause] To learn more on how to save the planet, i invite you to read the text of the Green New Deal. It’s real short. Like 14 pages. Go now. I’ll wait. Oh, I can’t wait. Hmm. You could also go back in time and tell your younger self to listen to Al Gore and his Inconvenient Truth. I know he’s boring, but he was on Futurama and once got so drunk on Tequila he tried to buy Twitter, so I guess it evens out. This has been “Did You Know This?!”. [“Did You Know This?!” theme plays]
TIM
The following episode of "America! The Podcast" is based on historical events. This episode may contain descriptions of violence as well as triggering sounds like gunfire and cannon fire. Listener discretion is advised. Enjoy the show. ANNOUNCER This episode of America the podcast is brought to you by Real American Unions. Hey there friend! You look...tired. Is that a bottle of pee in your hand? Gross! What’s that you say, the mega corporation that owns the factory you work in won’t give you proper bathroom breaks? You say that you're overworked and underpaid? We’ll have a I got a solution for you! Introducing real American Unions! With real American Unions you can safeguard your human dignity from that bullish boss of yours. Yes, you can have guaranteed health care, a living wage, paid overtime, legal representation in work related matters, and much much more all for a low union due that most would say is obviously worth it. What’s that you say? Unions are communist and unamerican? You say that Communism failed in Russia and thus unions don’t work ? Well that’s like throwing your television just because the batteries in the remote don’t work. That’s kind of stupid. Where the hell did you get this information? From a sign in the employee bathroom that your company put up that says the Union dues will make you go broke? It kinda sounds like your company should pay you more instead of wasting paper on pointless signs which is exactly what a union would help make happen. Don’t believe me? Well, what if I told you that your boss views you as a number and would replace you hours after you were killed by a robot on the warehouse floor and likely be relaced by that very automaton? Still don’t want to pay that fee huh? Well fine. That’s you’re right as an American. To the rest of the American workforce who are tired of being taken advantage of by their employers, please try Real American Unions. Future generations of laborers (IE your children) will thank you for it. That’s Real American Unions, Available wherever freedom is sold, except for amazon.com of course. THEB/ANNOUNCER [A ticking clock is heard. Epic music playing.] Previously on "America! The Podcast" THEB/ANNOUNCER Which wire do I cut? TIM I didn't know! THEB A. STARD These people are going to die, man! TIM I don't know! The blue one? THEB A. STARD Wrong one! It's gunna blow! EFFECT [EXPLOSION] TIM that's not what happened it all. THEB A. STARD I'm pretty sure that's exactly how the last four years went. At least it felt like a countdown to destruction down. TIM Yeah, for sure. Wait, how did you get my voice? THEB A. STARD I hired a voice actor on Fiverr. your whiny voice is surprisingly easy to imitate. I then drugged you and convinced you do edit the audio TIM God dammit. Again? Whatever. So what have you been up to while we’ve been off? THEB A. STARD Well, let’s see. I visited each of my 208 homes and yachts, I purchased a lake up north called Lake Erie, mostly because I am a huge fan of the show “Erie, Indiana”, and I attended the Illuminati’s memorial service of Prince Philip. TIM Oh yeah. How was that? THEB A. STARD The service itself was held inside the great Sphinx, you know, tradition and all. I saw some old friends, both ancient and regular old. As for Prince Phillip, well he was delicious if you’re wondering. Not as good as George HW Bush, but Phillip was still pretty tender. Oh, word of advice, I bigly recommend a little habanero sauce when eating Greek people. TIM Wait, y'all eat your members when they die? THEB A. STARD Of course, how else would be absorbed their essence? TIM Hmm. So Alex Jones was right. THEB A. STARD Well, not about the baby eating thing. We're civilized and only eat dead adults to gain their power. But yes, he's mostly correct. Partially because he's a CIA disinformation agent. But he's also crazy and it would take a crazy person to come up with most of the things the Illuminati does. TIM Yeah, that tracks and guess Anything else? THEB A. STARD Well, I went to Georgia to lobby against the new voting laws. When the law still passed, I convinced all of my billionaire friends to pull their business from the state. Lesson learned for the Georgia GOP, fuck around with me and the American right to vote and you will indeed find out. Then all of the other states passed similar laws anyways so...yeah not a good time to be a voter. Oh and I got vaccinated. TIM But you’re like 200 something years old. Weren’t you qualified out-right to get your shot? Also didn’t you and the rest of the .01% get vaccinated for Covid 19 last year? THEB A. STARD Of course! I was vaccinated well before any of you poors. No, I was vaccinated for Covid 24. TIM The hell is COVID 24? THEB A. STARD Eh, you’ll find out eventually. TIM Great. Well, Meantime, are you ready to start the show for this year? THEB A. STARD I guess so. THEB A. STARD Awesome! Here is your Rapid Fire News script. THEB A. STARD Right. Uh..ok. Right, okay. You can do this. These days, the news can come at you as fast as... as fast as.... as fast as... I can't do it. It's not the same since Donnie left. TIM But he's still around. THEB A. STARD Yeah but who cares? His google searches are at an all time low and he's starting to make up fake awards for himself all while living at his own resort. I went out there recently to use up the last of my Bigly Level member points and saw him crash a wedding to talk about his voting numbers. It wasn’t even the first time he’d done that apparently. To put it in his own words, it was, quote Sad exclamation point. End quote. My point is, Donald Trump is so...last presidency. And, yes, while Joe is flawed, I’d rather not dedicate my most important show to either of those two geriatrics or to whatever political kerfuffle pops up in these United States, at least for right now. There is more to the bigliest and bestliest of countries than its politics. Although, I have a feeling Senator and pile of worms in a human suit, Ted Cruz, will piss me off at some point. TIM I mean, I get it man, but there’s still a lot of shit going on. We still have kids in cages, tensions between Israel and Palestine are continuously escalating, and, like you said, voting rights are being taken away from hundreds of thousands of people at an exponential rate. You can’t just stay silent. THEB A. STARD Eh. That’s the GOP for you. If they're not fangirling over Israel they’re rigging the voting system. TIM See! right there. You still got it. THEB A. STARD Fine. I will concede to do Rapid Fire News on our Instagram Page - @americathepodcast. But I still hold true that America is more than its politics. TIM Okay, then what do we want to do? THEB A. STARD No idea. TIM Dude, you can't.... You can't just say you want to change your show, and then not have an idea on how to change it. THEB A. STARD I’m the embodiment of America, a country that tends to smash things without a clear resolution. TIM God, you’re frustrating. Is this how you were at the beginning of the country? THEB A. STARD That's it! TIM What is? THEB A. STARD I'll tell the greatest story ever told. TIM The birth of Christ? THEB A. STARD Nope, not at all. TIM Star Wars? THEB A. STARD Wrong again but great movie nonetheless. No, this season on America! The Podcast, I will tell the most important story in all of the world, nay, in all of America - my story. TIM Oh, dang. That's actually not a bad idea. Okay, yeah, I'm down. Let's start from the beginning, maybe? THEB A. STARD Works for me, as that is usually where story’s begin, unless you’re George Lucas, of course. Yes, I would love nothing more than to talk about myself for the next three, maybe even four, seasons of America! The Podcast. TIM Well, we’ll see if people dig this season first and go from there. You ready to get started? THEB A. STARD I was born ready. TIM When were you born, exactly? MUSIC Well, I invite you to...FIND OUT TONIGHT on AMERICA! THE PODCAST! ["America! The Podcast" theme song plays] TIM Okay, let's begin. So, when were you born, exactly? THEB A. STARD Well, I’ve always liked to keep it vague and keep people guessing, but it’s been long enough. I was born on July 4th, 1736 in Boston, Massachusetts. TIM So not in 1776 like you had said? THEB A. STARD Correct. I just said that to seem younger, but once you reach 200 people stop considering you a young person. I was born a normal, yet still magnificent person before being REBORN and becoming the embodiment of and only hope for America on July 4, 1776. It was a weird 40th birthday to say the least. TIM How did that happen? THEB A. STARD Well, if told in order, the actual story of how I became the demi-god you see and the American people hear and sometimes see, would literally make your head explode. TIM Jesus! Seriously? THEB A. STARD Oh yes. I’ve inadvertently killed 2 people that way. One was Hitler and the other was Osama Bin Laden so, no loss there. A net gain in fact. What I can tell you is that through the magic of America, I have been involved in every notable event in American history. Simply put, I am not just the embodiment of and only hope for this great land and its people, I have been tasked by the old gods and the new to be America's witness and protector. Yes, I have proudly served as messenger and guardian, or as I prefer, Lobbyist, for the past 246 years. In exchange, I received my immortality, a membership into all of the cool secret groups, including the Baby Sitters club - VERY proud of that, as well as an untaxed salary of a million dollars a year from the US treasury department’s secret spending fund. TIM So the American people pay your salary? THEB A. STARD Oh yes. It’s in the constitution. TIM No, it's not. THEB A. STARD Oh, I mean the secret constitution the freemasons made. It’s the one that supersedes the norm...ya know what? I probably should not say anymore. TIM Right. Well, as for the story, when did the revolution begin for you personally? I guess pre or post magical transformation and untaxed salary. THEB A. STARD For starters, the Revolution and the war were two separate things. Most people like to lump them together, but the Revolution simply led to the war and still existed well after it ended. As for the beginning, well that started when god damn King George came for my money with all of those goddamn taxes. Irregardless of those dastardly taxes, America had no representation in parliament letting goddamn King George take my hard swindled money without me and my fellow colonists having a say in the matter. We had The Sugar Act and Currency Act of 1764, the Stamp Act and the quartering act a year later, I believe, and the Townshend acts in 1767. Now if those had been the Pete Townshend acts, I wouldn’t have cared as much, but alas, Pete would not be born for another 150 years. Worth the wait. Needless to say, the long list of American grievances goes on and on. TIM Why did the crown... THEB A. STARD Bup bup! "Goddamn King George" TIM Right. Why did goddamn King George impose all of those taxes? THEB A. STARD He CLAIMED it was to pay for the 7 years war, but I don’t buy it. I mean sure, did he send in troops to defend the colonies from the French? Yes. Did he provide supplies to the colonies that were affected by the war? Obviously. He was a vain, conceited ass hole but wasn’t a monster. Did losing the 7 years war piss off the French enough to help America defeat the British and gain their independence, which later inspired the French Revolution? Totally. But should we have had to pay for any of that? Reflecting back...well...eh, probably. But we never fully did and never will. TIM Really? THEB A. STARD Indeed. America still hasn’t paid back its debts from the Revolution or any other war. Someone, not SAYING it was me, but SOMEONE, told the United States government that we could just borrow from other countries and say we’ll just pay it back later. However, one thing led to another and now, well, now we’re trillions in debt all over the world. TIM Yeah, that tracks. So it was just the taxes that led to the Revolution? THEB A. STARD These weren’t just taxes! They were collecting taxes on my home that I already owned! They were doing the same thing to all of my rich friends too! TIM You mean like property taxes? THEB A. STARD What the hell are property taxes? TIM Do you not pay those? THEB A. STARD Well, I don’t really DO the whole tax thing. I leave that to people like you - the poors. Although, I might jump on board with Bezos for this whole infrastructure thing Uncle President Joe’s got going on. Let’s see if that statement holds up in a few years. God knows our bridges won’t. [LAUGHS] Yes. Where was I? Ah yes. I was complaining about God Damn King George and his tax on my houses, ranches, compounds, that personal vacation territory I had that became Ohio, and, not to mention the real stick up everyone’s ass, the tax on tea. TIM What did you end up doing about them? THEB A. STARD Some of them were repealed by the courts and some were out-right ignored, but only after several acts of resistance. To put it simply, the blood of the rebellion was boiling. Specifically my blood and that of my countrymen - well the rich white landowners with a bottom line to lose that is. Yes, tensions were perpetually elevated between the British soldiers and the colonists - take the Boston Massacre. MUSIC ["Yankee Doodle" plays] EFFECT [The sound of townspeople comes up] THEB A. STARD Our story begins in Boston in March 1770. I was with my friend.... TIM What the fuck is that? THEB A. STARD What are you talking about? TIM It sounded like... I thought.... I thought I heard... people. THEB A. STARD I think you've been in quarantine too long. May I continue? TIM Yeah. Okay, sorry. THEB A. STARD Very good. Our story begins in Boston in March 1770. I was... TIM There it is again! THEB A. STARD Would you just shut the fuh... Oh, wait. Oh, yes. I just remembered this is a side effect of my story telling powers. Whenever I regale people with stories from my past, me and those I am with are literally transported back to the date and time the story takes place. TIM Whoa, cool. Wait, can they? Can they see us? THEB A. STARD No, but we can see and hear them. They can SMELL us though, but everyone stank so bad during this period that it shouldn't be a issue. Plus, we’re in Boston. The whole place smells like clams and unwashed private parts - even back in 1770. That said, are you ready? TIM Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Just a little weirded out THEB A. STARD Now. Boston. 1770. I was pub hopping with my friend, Crispus Attucks, a free man of african and native descent. There were only two pubs in Boston so we were just going back and forth, getting drunk between the two. Later in the evening, we decided to go snag some beers from our friend and the only drinkable revolutionary, Samuel Adams. While walking to Sam’s place, we passed by a british soldier. Trying to be cordial, I greeted him and his response was to tell me to eat my own butt. TIM I have a hard time believing a distinguished British soldier said that. THEB A. STARD Oh, yeah, just wait for it. THEB IN THE PAST Good evening, good soldier. BRITISH SOLDIER Eat your own arse, you colonist shit. THEB IN THE PAST Very well. Let’s go, Crispus. TIM Whoa. This story telling thing you can do is weird. THEB A. STARD Yeah. But it's pretty cool, though, right? TIM Oh, yeah, for sure. THEB A. STARD Indeed. Anyways, while I tend to be the bigger man, I wasn’t going to let that slide. As we passed the soldier, we came upon my wig maker's shop. I saw his apprentice outside and told him that if he were to start shouting obscenities at the soldier, he would receive a silver piece - two if he made the man cry. Fun fact - I ended up billing the United States government for the silver pieces after the fact as a cost of war. TIM Of course you did. THEB A. STARD We continued walking and both of us started laughing as we heard the obscenity start flying. APPRENTICE Oy! Your mother licks the kings arse hole, you stupid lobster! EFFECT [Theb and Crispus laugh] THEB A. STARD After reaching Sam’s house and drinking a bit, we told him what had just happened and that made Sam go from zero to one hundred - well this was 1770 so, zero to twenty, I guess. With Sam worked up, the three of us, drunk off our collective asses, we set off to sing anti-red coat songs and stroll through town. While walking, we came back across the soldier and wig maker’s apprentice. As we walked up, we heard the apprentice call Goddamn King George a shit made of vomit and then we saw the soldier butt the apprentice with his rifle. APPRENTICE King George is a shit made of vomit! EFFECT [THUD] TIM Jesus, that's gross. THEB A. STARD It was a gross time. Most people only bathed once a week as it is. Not me of course, I had indoor plumbing before it was a regular thing and paid top pound for it too. Yes, I bathed every day - still do, except now I have a shower that works with Alexa. I had one back in 1830 as well, but that was just a shower that was hand cranked by a paid servant named Alexa. Goddamn King George tried to tax my water usage too. So what if I wasted hundreds of gallons of clean, boiled water every day. It’s not my fault someone hadn’t invented water purifiers yet. TIM Hundreds of gallons? How much do you shower? THEB A. STARD Twice a day, but the shower is so big it doubles as an artificial waterfall. It’s a rich person thing. You wouldn’t understand. Where was I? Ah yes. When we saw the boy go down after getting hit by the soldier, Sam ran to help him up while I went to alert the townspeople. TIM How'd you do that? THEB A. STARD I rang the church bell and started yelling fire, obviously. See - there I am. EFFECT [Theb in the past is heard yelling fire over a ringing churchbell] THEB IN THE PAST Over 200 years later, I would do the same thing in several movie theaters, earning me the nickname “Banned for life from the Alamo Drafthouse”. But I digress. People came running to the streets thinking there was a fire until the wig maker’s apprentice told the people what happened. Crispus, as brave as his name is awesome, rallied a mob to surround the soldier, who had run back to get help from his compatriots. And I will stop there momentarily so I can make money off of you, the listener. So, feel free to Venmo show me one million dollars directly at your leisure. We’ll be right back after these messages. MUSIC [The "America! The Podcast" theme comes up] ANNOUNCER "America! The Podcast" them is brought to you by "American Infrastructure". "American Infrastructure" - You better get across that bridge quick. MUSIC [The "America! The Podcast" theme comes up] THEB A. STARD And we’re back with my tale of my very own experience of the Boston Massacre here on America! The Podcast. Lets see, where was I - ah yes. As I was ringing the church bell and shouting fire, Crispus Attucks was leading a mob of people to surround the soldier who had himself tried to run for help. His red coat comrades, led by Captain Thomas Preston, came out to the soldier’s defense as the crowd, armed with wooden rope making clubs, gathered around the soldier. After my magnificent bell ringing arm grew fatigued, I myself joined the crowd. Keeping in mind, I was still boarding on black out drunk, I started telling people in the mob to throw snowballs at the soldiers. I was also still laughing and yelling fire - which I did not realize the crowd would also start to shout. TIM Jesus. You didn't. THEB A. STARD Yes, well. Upon hearing the crowd mimic my words and noticing the redcoats had their guns pointed at the crowd, I decided to move and get behind the soldiers for safety. As I walked down the alley behind the soldiers, still laughing loudly, I tossed a rock I was holding behind me. I was told that the rock struck a soldier in the head at that exact moment, I said…well... THEB IN THE PAST Oh, that was fun. I love yelling fire! THEB A. STARD Apparently, the red coats heard that last word and even with Captain Preston standing in front of them...well...bada bing bada bang... EFFECT [Gun fire and a screaming crowd are heard] THEB A. STARD ...The Boston Massacre. EFFECT [Screams fade] TIM Oh my god. THEB A. STARD All in all, I’d have to say it was one of my better parties. Way less people died than usual. TIM So YOU’RE the one who yelled ‘fire’? You’re the one that caused all of this? THEB A. STARD Eh. More or less. Irregardless of my oopsie daisy, I will gladly take credit for starting the Revolutionary War. TIM That’s not what I meant. You caused a MASSACRE. Kids died, man. THEB A. STARD Nooo. The soldier who couldn’t take a joke started it by striking a child. That wasn’t even the first child that the british harmed. A soldier killed a kid a little while before this. I mean, did the apprentice antagonize the soldier over and over again until he snapped? Yes. Had I earlier that day given that soldier a wedgie and a wet willie? Obviously I did and I obviously did not get caught. Is it a good idea to hurl insults, rocks, oyster shells, and glass at a group of armed military personnel who are pointing their guns at you? Probably not, but those were different times. People barely knew how to read. TIM What are you talking about? Men and women could both read and write back then. THEB A. STARD Yes, but they couldn’t read emotions, like that of the red coats. Emotional intelligence wasn’t invented until 2019. TIM That...that…[sigh] that argument carries weight, I guess. The first part at least. But like, you still threw a rock and yelled fire from behind a group of armed soldiers. THEB A. STARD I was drunk! Is that not a valid excuse anymore? TIM It was never a valid excuse. THEB A. STARD Fine. Well then, the soldiers should have known better than to shoot into a crowd, especially while Captain Preston was standing there. No one is denying that it was a terribly unfortunate event. I myself lost my dear friend Crispus in that mess, however, it did arguably make him the first martyr in the American Revolution so a notable death I would say. TIM I guess, but you still started a riot, got your friend and other people killed, and got away with it. THEB A. STARD You say travesty, I say the spark that lit the fire of America’s rebellion against Goddamn King George. Listen, I mourned the loss of each person killed in the massacre, especially Crispus Attucks. Those god damn red coats didn’t have to fire their guns and were outright fools for doing so, even if they felt threatened. As soldiers, they should have, one, known the sound of Thomas Preston’s voice over mine, it was very nasally - you’d love him - and, two, they simply should have had their wits enough about them to just go inside or run away. Besides, if it makes you feel any better, Boston as a whole was found at fault by the colonial courts thanks to Mr No-Monument and America’s second President, John Adams. He believed in both the power of the people and that justice should be indiscriminate in that the truth SHOULD always prevail. I’m just glad I never got caught. I could have been hung. Can you even imagine a world without ME in it? A world without America? Terrible place indeed. That’s the real moral of the story - always run when you’ve done something wrong so that you can live to create mischief another day. TIM That's a terrible moral. THEB A. STARD Yes, but it IS a moral and you said I had to have one in my show. It’s on you for not specifying in my contract what kind of morals. TIM Yeah, but a "moral" is... moral. THEB A. STARD Yes, but the tenets of morality are debatable. The British thought they were morally right for oppressing the colonists and we thought we were morally right for rebelling against that oppression whenever we could. It is always morally right to push back against those who oppress. And I mean ACTUALLY oppress. None of that “you’re trampling on my rights for making me wear a mask inside of Costco” kind of shit. Rebel against unfair voting laws. Rebel against officials and corporations standing in the way of climate change. Rebel against the oppression of who you are as a person - whether you are black or brown, gay or trans, an immigrant, a woman - always fight back against the oppressor...which in the cases of all of those I just mentioned seems to be white men. And that’s what the revolutionists did - fought back against white men. TIM No. That’s not the same. THEB A. STARD It's technically the same. TIM No, it's not. The overwhelming majority of you were white dudes back then. THEB A. STARD Ok, fine! You got me. We were the whitest of white. We even whitened our wigs. My wig was so white it was almost translucent. It even blinded a British colonel once. TIM Weren’t white wigs for military officers and judges? THEB A. STARD Yes and, like General Washington, I served in the British army for a time, before they pissed me off that is. I was also a high ranking spy in the Revolution and am a pretty judge-y person as it is. But my point still stands - we did rebel that day and it wouldn’t be for the last time either. Let me tell you about a certain tea party I attended in 1773, and it’s not the one you’re thinking about. TIM So it's not the Boston Tea Party? THEB A. STARD Ok. Maybe it IS the one you’re thinking about. How about we save this one for next time. All of this talk of tea has given me a craving for coffee. TIM Not tea? THEB A. STARD God no. Never touch the stuff. But I will be damned if the American people are taxed for it. TIM You know we have taxes on tea now in some states, right? And like...taxes on everything else, basically. THEB A. STARD Mayebe you do. Remember - I don’t do the tax thing. Just don’t tell the IRS. They won’t hear this right? TIM They might. THEB A. STARD Shit. I owe so, so much. Over 260 years of back taxes at least. I guess I’ll just start a revolution...which would be against myself...hmm. I am in a pickle. I’ll need time to figure this out. Should take about, oh, two weeks. Until I do, you can listen to all episodes of America! The Podcast on iTunes, Spotify, Youtube, Stitcher, and Shway Media, or on the podcast app of your choice. I will be back in your ears again soon, America, to regale you with more tales from the greatest story ever told - My perspective of the American Revolution. Good night and good fight. I will see you next time on… MUSIC "America! The Podcast" theme plays - It's America! The Podcast THEB A. STARD This has been America! The Podcast hosted by me, Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment and only hope for America. Tim is also there. You can catch my very important show every week on Itunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Shway Media or where every you get your podcasts. Go ahead give us a five star review on one of those fancy apps while you’re at it. I command it. You can also hear the show and access more content at America the podcast dot com. And don’t forget to watch Rapid Fire News and other segments on TikTok and Instagram at america the podcast. You can also find us o Facebook and twitter if your into that sort of a thing. Now to contractually credit the people who help make this show possible. America! The Podcast is a Shway Media Media Original Podcast. Writers for the show include Thebadias A Stard, Tim Phillippe, Alanah Matos, and Michael Sisemore. The Executive producers for the show are Alanah Matos and Tim Phillippe. Sound design is by Tim Phillippe and all dialogue is recorded in Shway Media Studios. All research and fact checking for the show was performed by Michael Sisemore and Tim Phillippe. A full list of research sources for this season of America! The Podcast is linked in the description of each episode. The shows theme song is by Timmy Two Step and all other supporting audio heard in the show was procured through AudioBlocks.com, Freesound.org, and Ambient-Mixer.com A full list is linked in a description to this episode. Thats it. Go on now, ya hear? ANNOUNCER This has been a production of Shway Media. All rights reserved. For more information please visit ShwayMedia.com From The Desk of Thebadias A Stard - The embodiment of and only hope for the United States of America.
Hello, America! It’s me, Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment and only hope for America! I am here to tell you that my very important show, “America The Podcast”, will be returning on July 4, 2021, albeit in a different format. What does that mean, you are absolutely asking? Well, you’ll have to find out when you get there. Or just check the advertisement on Instagram and come to your own conclusions. But that’s not all! You are now going to be forced to hear “America The Podcast” every week until my regular hibernation in January. You can catch new and old episodes on your podcast app of choice such as iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and the like. You can listen at Shway Media if you're feeling frisky. But wait! There’s more! All of Rapid Fire News will now be released on TikTok and Instagram every Friday around 6pm beginning the second week of July. My team will add those very important videos to YouTube as well. You can also catch my very important video segments such as “Did You Know This”, “A Bit Of Advice”, and my new segment, ”Stop It'', on YouTube and Instagram TV every other Sunday starting in July. I’ll likely be making use of Twitch in the coming year. Now, it has come to my attention that some of my listeners cannot physically watch any of my very important video content. Well, fear not, my visually impaired citizens! Every bit of audio from our videos will be included in our biweekly mini episodes for you to consume like a good little American drone. I have also been informed that I have fans who may have a hard time hearing my magnificent voice, despite me shouting “America” at the top of my lungs frequently and without ceasing. Again I say fear not! Whether you’re reading this statement on social media or are a podcast listener with friends and family that need my very important words in their lives, “America! The Podcast” has your back! Unlike Clubhouse, I want you to be involved in the conversation and to know what very important words I am shouting. Therefore, all of my new video content will have subtitles going forward and my team is working tirelessly to get subtitles added to past videos as I shout. Subtitles will be added to the YouTube versions of the America! The Podcast episodes as well. I will also make transcripts of my very important words and very important episodes, past and future, available at AmericaThePodcast.com in the coming months - so be on the lookout for that. Thank you for listening and/or reading, America! I will be in your ears and/or eyes again, July 4, 2021. God bless, America and God bless, You. Good night. |
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