The American Revolution: The Declaration Of Independence [TRANSCRIPT]

ANNOUNCER  
This episode of “America! The Podcast” is brought to you by the Real American Covid 19 Vaccine.  Hey, there friend! You look glum!  What’s that you say? All of your friends and family are dead? Well, what happened?  You say they didn’t get the COVID 19 vaccine and were part of the 99.7% of people who died from the various Covid variants like the Delta, Lamda, and Gamma?  Well, I’m sorry to hear that. At least you got the vaccine right?  What’s that you say? The vaccine creators are just trying to microchip you? And did you just say gravity is a toxin? What the hell are you talking about?  You say dr. Anthony Fauci is the antichrist and I should stop pushing this government propaganda on you and that vaccines do more harm than good? You say that you won’t get the vaccine despite the fact that 99.7% of people who die of Covid are unvaccinated?   Well… that’s…that’s just fucking stupid.  No! I don’t care that I said fuck, this guy’s an idiot. His whole family died from the virus and he still won’t get the shot. Where do you find these morons? No! I won’t calm down! Millions of people have died from this shit and this guy’s sitting over here thinking he knows more than literally thousands of medical professionals and scientists.  No! I’m done! It’s the midseason finale and I’m going on vacation. I need a break from these self-destructive sycophants. Someone literally barfed on my feet last week. I don’t get paid enough for this!  Ok fine! I’ll do the bump. That’s the Real American Covid 19 Vaccine. Available at literally every pharmacy and doctor’s office. Pfizer or Moderna. Pick one. It’s fucking free!  

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[“AMERICA! THE PODCAST” THEME PLAYS]

TIM  
Hey THEB. [snaps] THEB! THEB!

THEB A. STARD  
What? What do you want? I'm playing my Nintendo Switch - very into Super Metroid right now. 

TIM  
Whyre you playing video games? You're like 240 years old. 

THEB A. STARD  
Well for one that’s ageist. Lots of old people play video games. also I’m immortal and not old. Second, It’s what I do when we’re not recording. I find it relaxing. 

TIM  
 Well, we're recording now. So stop playing. 

THEB A. STARD  
Why didn't you tell me?! I look terrible! 

TIM  
Because we're not filming. This is a podcast. It's literally in the name. You scream it all the time. 

THEB A. STARD  
Ah, fair point. 

TIM  
Right. Okay. Well, I have a question for you. 

THEB A. STARD  
And I absolutely have an answer. Even if I am quote unquote, incorrect. 

TIM  
Cool. Well, this isn't trivia. I actually just wanted to know what decade you liked living through the most. 

THEB A. STARD  
Fantastic question, Timothy. I couldn’t have shouted it better myself. My favorite decade was easily the 80s. The 1980s that is. The 1780s had the beginning of America of course which was a lot of work and you know me, I like my leisure time. The 1880s had the Chinese exclusion act so that wasn’t great and I am still trying to rectify the damage it caused to this day. God damn Chester A Arthur. One of my bigger disappointments. But the 1980s were different and I loved everything about them. The weird ass cars, Dynasty and Dallas, hair metal, that fling I had with Pat Bennatar, the fling I had with Freddy Mercury, Fraggle Rock, Cory Fucking Heart was hanging out, Neon Colors were everywhere, women started working more which meant I had even more people to exploit in the  name of capitalism, the TV show ALF was still on. Fun fact - I once did cocaine with ALF and Don Johnson from Miami Vice while we flew a helicopter over the Financial District in New York City shouting obscenities out of a megaphone. If memory serves, ALF landed the helicopter atop the New York Stock Exchange and we proceeded to stumble down the stairs to the exchange floor where Jordan Belfort met us with more cocaine.  

TIM  
God damn, that was a very 80s thing you just said. 

THEB A. STARD  
Yes, living through the 80s was like partying in Vegas 24/7 and running the world while you do it, partially because I actually did run parts of the world during that time. Also the quaaludes. Boy, were those fun. You can’t get real ones anymore. People on the dark web say they’re real but they're lying. I can’t even get them and that’s saying something. Yes, I can get you cannabis grown by former Christmas elves but no ludes for Ol Thebadias. 

TIM  
What was that about the elves? You’re getting your weed from them now? I thought you just got G-13 from the government.

THEB A. STARD  
Oh, I still do, but I am heavily invested in the medical cannabis farm the elves started when they left the North Pole. 

TIM  
Oh dang. I didn’t know they quit. Did all of them leave? 

THEB A. STARD  
No, just a small communist collective. When the now criminal fugitive, Santa Claus, refused to meet the bulk of the elves' demands after my War On Christmas Volume 2 episode, several elves left the North Pole, led by one of their Union reps, and settled in the Dakota’s. Not Meredith Bipplewink. She stayed behind to keep the pole running as heard in the War On Christmas volume three. As for the one that left, they now grow and sell their own medical cannabis and get to worship the stone faces I helped carve into Mount Rushmore whom they believe are their gods.   Also - side note to any new listeners out there - I’m going to assume what I just said didn’t make sense to you, but fear not! I encourage you to go back and listen to each War On Christmas episode as well as every very important episode I have put out on the America! The Podcast podcast feed. 

TIM  
Right on. Glad they're doing well and definitely wanna talk to you after the show about that elf weed....

THEB A. STARD  
You got it. 

TIM  
Speaking of weed, did Thomas Jefferson grow good weed? 

THEB A. STARD  
Absolutely not. Aside from the fact that he used slaves to farm the hemp he grew, his was seedy and only really good for making paper and rope. It was the equivalent of what you hippies would call shwag nowadays. Sure you could smoke it and cook with it, but you could do that with any cannabis that grew wild back then. Wild grown was better shit anyways. That’s where I got all of mine. Just picked it fresh from the side of any given road. I also bought it from a local farmer named Christopher outside of Boston if I didn’t feel like foraging for it. These days, I just get it shipped to me from the elves and a semi-secret government farm. Anyways. Where was I? Ah yes. Tom growing his shitty weed. I don’t know why he gets so much credit for that unremarkable bit of agriculture... among other things. He was SO annoying to work with. 

TIM  
Hold on. What do you mean by among other things? 

THEB A. STARD  
Well... 

TIM  
You're about to tell us how he stole something from you.

THEB A. STARD  
Obviously. 

TIM  
All right. Let's have it. What did Jefferson steal? 

THEB A. STARD  
He didn’t steal anything physical but once again, I went uncredited for influencing our Revolution. 

TIM  
What do you mean?

MUSIC/EFFECT  
["YANKEE DOODLE" PLAYS] [THE SOUNDS OF CONGRESS COME UP]

THEB A. STARD  
In May 1775, salmon enthusiast John Hancock, had been elected President of the Second Continental Congress and, throughout the next year, talks of independence were rampant. In Virginia one of America’s most fiscally and politically powerful colonies, John Page, a future governor and friend to Thomas Jefferson, wrote to Tom saying, “For God's sake declare the Colonies independent at once and save us from ruin”. I myself adamantly agreed since my money and the money of my friends were at stake. I lobbied literally every member of congress to vote in favor of independence since I myself was not elected by the Massachusetts population and could not cast a vote.

TIM  
Did that bum you out? 

THEB A. STARD  
At first yes, but after losing the first congressional election, I realized how much more influence I could have as a lobbyist. Since then, I never cared much in terms of becoming an elected official. I much prefer controlling those puppet people - plus I do waaay less paperwork and can call in an airstrike anywhere in the world if needed. Remember kids - Politically elected power is fleeting. Money, influence, and a warehouse full of blackmail on practically every human living and dead - that’s real power. There’s also the rings of power created by Sauron, but those are all taken. As for those in power in 1776, pressure was mounting on many of the congressional representatives to declare independence as quickly as possible, especially with people like Jefferson, both the Adams-is-is, and Benny Franks. As for me, I was arguably the most vocal person leading the charge to declare independence. About a month before that happened, I met with my friend Richard Henry Lee and convinced him to put forth a resolution to declare independence for the colonies. It was a no brainer for Mr. Lee, so on June 7th, 1776, he put forth the resolution which proclaimed the following - “That these united colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved.”  And with that, several committees were formed to draft a declaration, but it was a committee of five that was chosen to formally draft the declaration itself - Roger Sherman of Connecticut, Robert Livingston of New York, Ben Franklin of Pennsylvania, John Adams of Massechusettes, and of course Tom Jefferson from Virginia. I was not formally chosen for the committee but still tagged along anyway.  

TIM  
Why weren't you chosen? 

THEB A. STARD  
I wasn't a delegate. 

TIM  
Oh, right. Then why were you allowed to be present during the Continental Congress? 

THEB A. STARD  
I had been asked by John Adams to take lobbying notes while Congress was in session so as to know who I would need to manipulate in favor of independence. As for why I tagged along, I could feel it in my bones that something big was about to happen and I knew I had to be a part of this committee. I also was slash still am extremely wealthy and could slash can do as I please

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[CONGRESS FADES AND A FIRE PLACE IS HEARD]

THEB A. STARD  
The six of us retreated to The Graff House at the corner of Market and 7th Street in Philly to decide how this would play out. After some deliberation, Roger and Robert decided they were unfit to draft the document as they had little formal experience writing and left for the evening. This left myself, Ben, John, and Tom to deliberate further. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
I don’t know if I should pen this document. My editorial skills would be better fit for our mission. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Well, then that just leaves John and Tom. If anyone here has been as vocal as I have…

BEN FRANKLIN  
 Challenging is that maybe...

THEB IN THE PAST  
Yes, yes. 

JOHN ADAMS  
Probably why he didn't win any elections.

JOHN ADAMS  
[BEN, JOHN, AND TOM ALL LAUGH]

THEB A. STARD  
Yes, we can all poke fun at the richest man in the room with the most to lose, whom may I remind you all, has seen the most battle.

JOHN ADAMS  
Oh, calm yourself, sir. You must know our words were only in jest.

TIM  
I gotta say, I like seeing the founding fathers take you down a peg or two.

THEB A. STARD  
Yes, well jokes on them, I’m alive and they're not. I also made sure John didn’t get a memorial for that comment.

TIM  
That’s pretty petty dude. They were just messing with you. You gotta grow a thicker skin.

THEB A. STARD  
Oh I did after I became immortal. Couldn’t stab me if you tried, unless you use the dagger of [BEEP]. Only thing that can kill someone like me. 

TIM  
Wow. I’m gunna bleep that out for your safety.

THEB A. STARD  
Oh you’re fine. I have the dagger hidden away in a cave near [BEEP]. 

TIM  
Dude, stop! You're gonna get yourself killed. 

THEB A. STARD  
I’m fiiiine. I’ve got sensors around the cave and literally no one would dare try to mess with your’s truly. Remember, airstrike - Anytime, anywhere. My point is, I’m totally safe from a physical death and cannot be hurt by words. Any malicious comment someone tries to throw at me simply rolls off into a pool at the back of my mind until it overflows resulting in unconscious revenge. Anyways, where was I? Ah yes. John had just signed the death warrant of any hope he had of getting a monument.

JOHN ADAMS  
Oh, calm yourself, sir. You must know our words were only in jest.

THEB IN THE PAST  
This is no time for fun, John. We must act now and figure this out. As I was trying to say, you are as loud as I am on the subject of independence. Why don’t you write it?

JOHN ADAMS  
Absolutely not. It has to be Thomas. 

THOMAS JEFFERSON  
What? Why me? 

JOHN ADAMS  
Three reasons. First, you are a Virginian and a Virginian ought to appear head of this business. Second, I am obnoxious, suspected of being a monarchist by some, and unpopular. You are very much otherwise. And third, you can write ten times better than I can. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
Mr. Adams makes a good point, Tom. I also believe you would be best suited for this task.

THEB A. STARD  
I agree. Between Virginia’s power and wealth, having Tom as the author would go a long way in legitimizing our call for independence. What say you, Thomas?

THOMAS JEFFERSON  
[RELUCTANT SLAVE OWNING SIGH] I will do it then.

THEB A. STARD  
Very good. I will stay here with you in the event you require input. 

THOMAS JEFFERSON  
Thank you, my friend. Now that that is out of the way, would any of you care for a roll of Virginia's finest hemp?

THOMAS JEFFERSON  
[FIREPLACE FADES] [SOUNDS OF THE TOWN COME UP] [A DOOR KNOCK, A DOOR OPENING, DOOR CLOSING] [TOWN FADES AND FIREPLACE COMES UP]

THEB A. STARD  
Over the next few days, I sat in the Graff House and ate onions and bread while Tom wrote the first draft of the declaration. I would occasionally give him advice - some of which he would take - some he would not. On June 11th, Tom finalized what he called his perfect document and I gathered Ben, John, Roger, and Robert to go over it.

BEN FRANKLIN  
Well, you definitely cannot use the words sacred and undeniable when speaking on certain truths.

THOMAS JEFFERSON  
But it is undeniable that all men are created equal.  

THEB IN THE PAST  
Says the slave owner. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
That is precisely my point. You will be called a hypocrite by everyone. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
He could just stop being lazy and free his slaves. No? No one?

JOHN ADAMS  
What about these truths are plain and simple?

BEN FRANKLIN  
Not eloquent enough. I think it should say “We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal”. It's specific and shows the people individually acknowledge these statements as a fact rather than as a collective.

THOMAS JEFFERSON  
This is terrible. You all are destroying my perfect document. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Your perfect document? May I remind you I was here for two weeks helping you with this draft, which is itself repurposed from Virginia’s constitution and bill of rights, not to mention other publications like Common Sense. Get over yourself, Tom, and let Ben edit your patriotic plagiarism.

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[ALL EFFECTS FADE]. 

TIM  
Damn, you really let him have it. 

THEB A. STARD  
He deserved every damn word and then some. Anyways, I will pause right there for a moment so that I can make money off of you, the listener. I wish I could keep talking without a commercial, but until each and every one of you send me a million dollars like you all swore you would do by clicking on my podcast, I will have to keep this capitalistic train a-movin’. We'll be right back after this.

THEB A. STARD  
[“AMERICA! THE PODCAST” THEME PLAYS]

ANNOUNCER  
"America! The Podcast" is brought to you by "Dogs"! Dogs: licking their own asshole and then licking you square on the mouth for 10,000 years.

JOHN ADAMS  
And we’re back. Where was I? 

ANNOUNCER  
[“AMERICA! THE PODCAST” THEME PLAYS]

TIM  
You had just told Thomas Jefferson to shut up and let Ben Franklin edit...wow that is a sentence I did not think I would ever say.

THEB A. STARD  
With me, you will say and hear a lot of weird things. As for the declaration, we ended up making around 86 changes to Tom’s first draft before we met in Congress to actually vote on declaring independence and finalize the draft altogether. 

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[TOWN HALL COMES UP] [A GAVEL IS HEARD] 

THEB A. STARD  
After a debate on July 1st, it became clear that the vote on independence needed to be unanimous. However, the delegates from New York were standing in our way. I politely suggested they abstain from the vote scheduled for the next day and they happily obliged.

TIM  
You threatened them didn’t you?

THEB A. STARD  
It wasn’t so much a threat as it was a promise I made. A promise that those men and their descendants would have very uncomfortable lives. Nonetheless, they did indeed abstain and the remaining 12 colonies voted in favor of independence on July 2nd. 

TIM  
I thought it was the 4th.

THEB A. STARD  
Common misconception. Congress had one final debate on the 1st and voted on the 2nd. They then took additional time to edit the draft as a group.  

TIM  
Got it. I bet Thomas Jefferson loved that.

THEB A. STARD  
THEB Ha. He did not. Complained the entire time. Even left the room to cry a few times like a slave owning, hypocritical baby. I myself took notes on everything that was said, all the while getting annoyed at all the nit-picking of the declaration; not because I believed that Tom’s version was perfect - it was far from it. To me, it was obvious what the declaration should say and I was growing tired from hearing one terrible edit after the next. On the morning of the 4th, I awoke and had a birthday breakfast with Tom and Ben before heading back to congress. When we arrived, the delegates began to deliberate once again on what to edit. Finally, fed up with the back and forth and a little peeved that no one had provided me with a surprise birthday party and cake, I lost it, grabbed the gavel from John Hancock and began to chastise my fellow patriots. 

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[A GAVEL IS HEARD]. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! We have been here for days! Mr Jefferson already took weeks to write this document and Mr Franklin, Mr Adams, and myself took time to edit. Mr. Livingston and Mr Sherman’s help was also greatly appreciated. And now you all have now been here another two days editing further when it should be obvious to any man of Liberty what the declaration should say. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
Then would you care to enlighten us, Mr. Stard?

THEB A. STARD  
I would indeed Mr. Franklin and I suggest a scribe take this down. Gentlemen of this Second Continental Congress - hear my very important words!  The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America, When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world. He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good. He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them. He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only. He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures. He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people. He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within. He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands. He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers. He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries. He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance. He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures. He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power. He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation: For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us: For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States: For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world: For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent: For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury: For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies: For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments: For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever. He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us. He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people. He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation. He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands. He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions. In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends. We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor. 

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[MEN CHEER AND A GAVEL IS HEARD]

JOHN HANCOCK  
Mr. Stard, I think you may have done it. All in favor?

CONGRESS  
AYE! 

JOHN HANCOCK  
Gentlemen, with this document, we have declared our independence. May God save us. 

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[CHEERS ARE HEARD] [CONGRESS FADES] 

TIM  
Holy crap. That was the entire text of The Declaration of Independence.

THEB A. STARD  
Yep! 

TIM  
Like the finished text. 

TIM  
Indeed. 

TIM  
Why the hell didn't you get credit for the final version? Also, what the fuck is up with that bit about the native population?

THEB A. STARD  
Yeah, that didn’t age well but neither do most parts of these stories. I did eventually change my backwards stance on this land's first people, especially when America went full colonizer in the 1800s. That whole century kind of got away from me. As for why I didn’t get credit, that goddamn squire didn’t write my name down and just noted Tom as the author. I didn’t catch the mistake until years later and by then ThOmas Jefferson was widely considered the sole author of the declaration. He did indeed write most of it, I just simply used those words and began to speak from my magnificently patriotic heart. Once the vote passed, the declaration was rushed to Ben’s print shop and distributed everywhere. 

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[CHURCH BELLS ARE HEARD]

THEB A. STARD  
Church bells rang throughout Philadelphia all day and all night and word reached the other colonies soon after. The declaration itself wasn’t signed until August 2nd so we could have the most people there. Many more people signed it over the next few months and even years. Literally everyone wanted a chance to sign one of America’s most important documents and I could not have felt more pride about that fact. Some say the words I spoke that July 4th were my very first very important words, at least in the “America! The Podcast” cannon. I may not get the credit I deserve for writing the declaration or common sense, but we all know I indeed wrote both. Right? 

TIM  
Yeah, yeah. 

THEB A. STARD  
RIGHT?! 

TIM  
I said yes! 

THEB A. STARD  
Well…good. Don’t want anyone believing differently less they get their bones stolen when they die and then subsequently purchased on the black market.... Tim!

TIM  
Dude, I believe you, I believe you. Just don’t steal my bones or whatever.

THEB A. STARD  
Good. I just truly value your opinion of me.  

TIM  
Really?

THEB A. STARD  
[BASTARD LAUGHS] I made a funny! I now understand why my Twitter handle is at bastard comedy. But no. I could care less. The only opinion in this world that matters is my opinion.

TIM  
Right...so wait. Couple questions. First, why didn’t you sign the declaration? I checked in your name’s not there.

THEB A. STARD  
Oh I did. I signed with invisible ink when I drew the treasure map on the back. 

TIM  
Got it. Any chance I could see the map...? 

THEB A. STARD  
Not on your life. The treasure’s been moved like 3 times since I drew the first map as it is. The newest map is on [BEEP].

TIM  
Understood and so much shit to censor in this episode. Ok last question. 

THEB A. STARD  
This better be the last one before the mid season break.

TIM  
Totally. When did you uh change I guess? I thought you transformed into the embodiment of America after that vote. 

THEB A. STARD  
The embodiment and only hope for america. Get it straight. But yes, it did happen after the vote, just not in the presence of the congressional delegation. If it had happened there, they all could have died. The transformation happened later that evening.

MUSIC/EFFECT  
 [NIGHT SOUNDS COME UP] 

THEB A. STARD  
After saying my goodbyes to what were now my fellow countrymen, I began walking to the home where I was staying while congress was in session. I was rather pleased with myself so I decided to crack open a bottle of wine gifted to me by Jefferson when I reached the house. 

THEB A. STARD  
[WINE BOTTLE OPENS] 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Finally, I can’t believe it took this long to break from Goddamn King George. I fear this indecisiveness could spell trouble for the future of our country. oh well, that'll be the problem of future generations. It’s not like I’ll be around to deal with it. For now, I could use a break and some alone time.

A VOICE  
 THEBADIAS! 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Jesus Christ! What the hell was that? Hello? Hello? Hmm just the wind I guess. I must stop drinking Monte Cello wine. Between this and Tom's terrible hemp. I don't know what people see in that man.

A VOICE  
THEBADIAS! 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Ok not the wine. Who’s there? Who said that?! Show yourself you coward!

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[WIND COMES UP

A VOICE  
THEBADIAS AMERICA STARD! FEAR NOT! 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Oh, it’s just a ghost? I fear nothing! What do you desire of me, spectre?! 

A VOICE  
I am the collective voice of the old gods and the gods that have come after. I was there at the beginning and will exist when all has faded to black. Your achievements have surpassed that of mortal men and reached the eyes and ears of the eternal, Thebadias Stard. I am here to deliver a message and reward.

THEB IN THE PAST  
Well, I like the sound of of reward. Let's have it then.

A VOICE  
You have done remarkable things for your people and land. You have put into words the feelings of every American. You have dedicated yourself to the creation of this country and to being a defender of American Liberty. For this, you are now burdened with a very important task.

THEB IN THE PAST  
And what may I ask is the task you desire of me, good ghost?

A VOICE  
From this day forth, you will hence be the embodiment of America and the only hope for your country’s survival. You will guard this land, it’s people, and more importantly it’s spirit, until the idea of America ceases to exist. You will be her voice and protector. In return, you will be granted immortality as a demi-god and know all as we do. When your time is done, you will take your seat with us in eternity. Do you accept this holy task?

THEB IN THE PAST  
In the name of America, I accept this task!

THEB A. STARD  
So let it be written. So let it be done.

MUSIC/EFFECT  
 [WIND DIES DOWN], 

TIM  
Wait, I thought you said I could die if I watched that. 

THEB A. STARD  
Juuuust wait for it. 

TIM  
For what? To die? Dude, get us out of here

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[WIND BLOWS AND EARTH SHAKES WHILE AN UNHOLY CHOIR IS HEARD]

A VOICE  
Et electi sunt! Vos protegas populi! Vos regnum tuum custodiat! Usque ad ultimum aetatis!

TIM  
Holy shit! What's happening? 

THEB A. STARD  
My transformation! 

TIM  
Shouldn't we get out of here?

THEB A. STARD  
Uuuuuh....huh.

TIM  
Theb, what's wrong? 

THEB A. STARD  
Well, we should have already been transported back automatically! I’m trying to turn it off but it’s not working!

TIM  
Dude, my skin is starting to feel weird. 

THEB A. STARD  
[YELLING OVER CHANTING AND WIND] Yeah, you're being ripped apart at the molecular level. Not sure why the story mode of my abilities is still active. 

TIM  
Dude, get us out of here! 

THEB A. STARD  
I'm trying! I'm sorry, my friend! It looks like this may be it! 

TIM  
Are you serious? 

THEB A. STARD  
I'm sorry, Timothy. I truly am! Hold on! I really 

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[STATIC] ["AMERICA! THE PODCAST" THEME PLAYS]

MUSIC/EFFECT  
PLEASE VISIT AMERICATHEPODCAST.COM AND SHWAYMEDIA.COM FOR INFO.

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