"Previously On America! Original Air Date - October 31, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
100 domestic terrorists have now plead guilty to crimes committed at the January 6th Capitol Riot including Texas Florist, Jenny Cudd, seen here with resting MAGA face.
When asked if the FBI intended to hunt down any more rioters from that day, agent Fred Kruger stated, “one two the feds are coming for you.”
This has been, "Previously On America!"
Happy Halloween! This has been "Previously On America!"
"A Bit Of Advice" Original Air Date - October 17, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
Hello America! It's me - Theb A Stard - aka the embodiment of and only hope for America! And I've heard a lot of talk lately about killing the filibuster so I have a bit of advice.
To my friends in the Democratic Party, ie the party that controls both houses of Congress and the presidency, I have a bit of advice regarding the filibuster.
Listen, I like causing chaos as much as the next person. Roger Stone and I once started a riot in Florida during the 2000 election when we both knew full well that Vice President Al Gore had already won.
But the chaos that is the filibuster is getting a little old.
I know most DNC candidates run the risk of losing their 2022 elections. And obviously, if the Republican Party were back in power, they would abuse the lack of a filibuster on day one, which is a terrifying thought that would keep most people up at night.
Not me of course. I’m a billionaire who sleeps on a bed of money and benefits from either party being in charge. But what I don’t benefit from is a dysfunctional economy.
By removing the filibuster, you could pass multiple bills that would stimulate said economy. You could also add in protections to those bills that would prevent future GOP leadership from tearing down the progress you, the democrats, could potentially build up - progress favored by the majority of Americans.
So give killing the filibuster a tried Democrats! Maybe something good will come out of it! Or maybe you'll repeal it and then lose your congressional leadership in 2022.
Because let's face it, the Democrats are terrible at winning elections and the GOP, once back in power, will create their fiery Christo-fascist hellscape they wet dream about - a potential hellscape that can be totally avoided if the Democrats repeal the filibuster ASAP and passed progressive policies like the for the people act.
And lastly, I have a bit of cautionary advice to the American people who are urging for the filibuster’s repeal, which is simply "Be careful what you wish for".
This has been “A Bit Of Advice”.
"Did You Know This?!" Original Air Date - October 17, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
Hello America! It’s me, Theb A Stard, the embodiment and only hope for America! And I just made a startling discovery! Did you know this? Did you know we have added a 5th season to our magnificent American calendar?
There’s of course Fall, known by your most insufferable friends as “spooky season”, then Winter, aka Jesus’ birthday season, then on to spring, so the flowers can regrow and the allergies of all humanity can once again take hold of their nostrils. After that, we move on to summer.
Sweet little summer. It once was a time to go outside with your friends, swim in one of your Olympic size swimming pools, go whaling on one of your Giga yachts.
But lurking in the humid shadows of this beloved season is none other than fire season. That’s right!
Did you know that thousands of fires have been raging across the country!
It’s true, I even heard California had at least one fire this year. What’s that? They’ve had over six thousand?! How so? Oh right, fire season!
According to the USDA, fire season used to last around 3 months but can now last 6-8 months.
This means it cuts into my spring gardening time and, even worse, my fall pumpkin spiced latte time!
What could have caused something terribly like fire season?!
Could it have been the deep state? No, I’m a member and would have heard something about it.
George Soros? Eh, probably not. I feel like he would have mentioned that at our last Illuminati meeting.
Ah! Maybe it’s that Jewish space laser Marjory Taylor Greene is always going on about? Oh, wait. Nope. Got the keys for the laser right here. Then what could it be?
Preposterous. How could climate change cause fires?
CUT TO Card reading “15 minutes of basic research later”
Jesus Christ! What have we done!
I invested so many billions not thinking that sweet sweet dinosaur goo could do any harm! I have to stop this somehow.
I guess I could put all of my investments into green energy. But someone on Fox News told me that’s stupid and unamerican so I don’t know.
I guess I can deal with the fires for now. I’ll just go to the top of a building if I see a fire approaching. It’s not like fire can climb or even burn down buildings right?
This has been “Did You Know This?!”
"Previously On America! Original Air Date - October 13, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
A trove of incriminating documents known as the Pandora Papers was released detailing how the rich and powerful are evading taxes and increasing their wealth.
In a related story, it was recently reported that water is wet, fire is hot, and the rich, when eaten, pair well with bbq sauce and a 2010 merlot.
"Previously On America! Original Air Date - October 11, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
President Biden recently recognized Indigenous Peoples Day, formerly known as Columbus Days.
When asked how he felt losing the day that bore his name, Christopher Columbus was only able to unleash a bloodcurdling scream as he is currently being tortured in hell for committing genocide.
Original air date - October 9, 2021 on TikTok and Instagram Reels.
Hello, America! It’s me, Theb A Stard, AKA the Embodiment of and only hope for America! A certain nameless senator, who for this video, we will call Joe Manchin, has been…irking me lately. Which brings us to my very important segment, “A Bit Of Advice”.
Today, I have a bit of advice for West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin, seen here discussing butt-chugging with friend of Tobin and Squi, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
Joe, listen, you’re a good friend. Together, we’ve made a killing off oil and gas and had loads of fun messing with the American political system.
You, a secret republican pretending to be a democrat in order to block any and all progressive agenda and me, lobbying to help you and any other congressperson who’s trying to make a quick buck.
It was a good little scheme we were running, but I fear the time has come for our secret mayhem to end.
I know I told you to block absolutely everything the democrats put forth in order to stall until the next GOP lead stranglehold on Congress, but that was years ago and the political environment has changed.
Some Republicans like Congressman and domestic terrorist sympathizer, Madison Cawthorn, are embracing their inner nazi, while others, like Mitt Romney who still support democracy, just want to do their jobs and enjoy some chocolate milk.
That said, your continued efforts to block things like the bipartisan infrastructure bill, the budget plan, and constantly being a general thorn in the side of progress seems to have done some damage and will continue to do more damage to this great nation unless you reel it back in.
So my advice to you, Senator, and a man I once saw kill a budget bill simply for looking at him wrong, Joe Manchin, is to simply retire.
Now trust me, I know being the de facto most powerful person in America is, well, loads of fun. But watching Americans suffer just because you won’t lean into progress, well it isn’t as fun as it used to be.
So, go back home to Appalachia, Joe, and release American progress from your iron grasp.
Also, one last very important bit of advice for Senator and Joe Manchin’s Sith Apprentice, Krystin Sinema, seen here wearing the color of the party she not-so-secretly wishes she was a part of.
I know you’re new to Washington. Hell, in a short time, you’ve done more harm than good and have become a true disappointment to my colleagues in the DNC. The old me would have congratulated you. Hell, I would have bought you a ten-foot tall cake. But the new me realizes we need at least a few progressive policies to keep alive and, more importantly, spending money.
So, to conclude, my bit of advice is for both Kyrsten Sinema and Joe Manchin is this simply retire and let progress happen. Without progress, I may become a gross poor and I’ll be pretty cranky if that happens. And you don’t wanna see me when I’m cranky….I get real fussy then need a nap and a burp.
This has been “A Bit Of Advice”.
"Previously On America! Original Air Date - October 8, 2021 on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
Previously on America!
US Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavenaugh, seen here inhaling every last bit of his own fart, recently tested positive for COVID 19.
Not to worry, America. As a Republican, I'm sure Justice Kavanaugh is butt-chugging Ivermectin as we speak, so he'll be better in no time.
This has been, Previously On America!"
"Previously On America! Original Air Date - October 6, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
Previously on America! The bipartisan infrastructure bill has been halted after the Democrats failed to meet the silent demands of self-appointed political demi-gods, Kysrsten Sinema and Joe Manchin.
I guess the bill can wait. In the meantime, if you’re driving across a collapsing bridge, just hit the accelerator and pray to your new gods, Sinema and Manchin, that you make it across.
This has been, "Previously On America!"
BREAKING NEWS! My very important segment, "Rapid Fire News" has died. Cause of death? Murder! The culprit? Me and my production team! We burnt it at the stake as a witch.
But rising from the ashes like a phoenix is my very important very, new segment, "Previously On America!" It's like "Rapid Fire News" except it's one news story in less than 30 seconds and will appear exclusively on TikTok and Instagram Reels.
Tune in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for a "Previously On America!" And don't forget to listen to "America! The Podcast" every week on your favorite podcast app!
My Producer Tim went missing at the end of the mid-season finale of "America! The Podcast"! And I, Theb A Stard, the embodiment of and only hope for America, aim to find him. These are the "Search For Tim Transmissions!
THEB A. STARD
Hello America. It's me, Theb A Stard, aka the embodiment of an only hope for America. And I am reporting to you live from Philae, Egypt. Well not technically live. My Producer Tim would say something along the lines of "this is a pre-recorded message that you were listening to later", but it is live by my standards because I am currently yelling into this microphone. Which brings me to why I'm here in Philea, Egypt. If you listen to the mid-season finale of my very important show, "America! The Podcast", you will know that Tim is no longer with us. Now he's not dead, but possibly in some other dimension of time and space. And in order to bring him back, I am searching the world for both magics light and dark. I am starting here in Philea, Egypt at the secret source of the Nile to try and open the door of Osiris and gain access to the Egyptian underworld. If Tim is in the underworld, I will do battle with Osiris and it should be over with relatively quickly. If not, I will continue to search high and low so I can bring back my producer and he can stop being lazy wherever he is and produce my show. Tired of having Jeremy do it. He's not nice, and he doesn't like my jokes
Uh. My name is Jonathan...
THEB A. STARD
Quiet you! You're not Tim and I don't like you. May that be the last time I hear your weird voice over the intercom. Anyways, well, I will be hard at work. Don't think that I haven't forgotten you, the American people need to hear my very important words. So I will still be delivering my very important segments as well as very important readings that have to do with the first five episodes of this season. And if you're lucky, and if you give me your questions, I'll answer your semi-important questions. That said it is now time for my very important very pre-recorded segment, "Did you know this?!"
"Trump & Pence Tried To Coupe! Did You Know This?!" CLICK HERE to watch and CLICK HERE for the transcript!
THEB A. STARD
And we're back and that still didn't work. Dammit. I can't figure this out. How do we open this door? Wait a minute. What is this? there's a there's a small hole next to the door. It looks like...ell, it looks like it's meant for a coin. I have a quarter right here. Let's try this. [RUMBLING] Oh boy. What's happening? The door’s opening! Perfect! Just got to stabilize myself ..right there! Got it. Alright America, as I venture into the underworld to battle the great God of Osiris for the soul of my Producer Tim, I invite you to listen to this very important, very pre-recorded segment. Very Important Readings. I take you now live to that segment. All right, I'm Osiris. I'm coming for you! Haha!!!!
THEB A. STARD
For today's very important reading, we travel back to the Boston Massacre, an event I allegedly caused. Alright not allegedly. I absolutely yelled 'fire' and well, whether or not the soldiers were reacting to me yelling fire is still up in the air. Irregardless of who caused the Boston Massacre. We traveled back to that day to hear the words of Newton Price and African American civilian. Newton price writes. Heard the Bell ring. Ran out. Came to the Chapel. Was told there was no fire but something better, there was going to be a fight. Some had buckets and bags and some clubs. I went to the west end of the Town House where [there] were a number of people. I saw some soldiers coming out of the guardhouse with their guns and running down one after another to the Custom-house. Some of the people said let’s attack the Main Guard or the Centinel who is gone to King street. Some said for God’s sake don’t touch the main guard. I went down. Saw the soldiers planted by the Custom-house two deep. The people were calling them lobsters, daring’ em to fire, saying damn you why don’t you fire. I saw Captain Preston out from behind the Soldiers. In the front at the right. He spoke to some people. The Captain stood between the soldiers and gutter, about two yards from the gutter. I saw two or three strike with sticks on the guns. I was going off to the west of the soldiers and heard the guns fire and saw the dead carried off. Soon after, the guard drums beat to arms. The people, whilst striking on the guns cried fire, damn you, fire. I have heard no orders given to fire, only the people, in general, cried fire. and a very important reading. Well, then it seems Mr. Newton Price has corroborated by story in the sense that, well, he said the crowd yelled 'fire' and I was indeed part of the crowd until I moved out from behind it and behind the soldiers out of danger. You can go listen to that in the Boston Massacre episode of this season of "America! The Podcast - The American Revolution". This has been, "Very Important Readings".
THEB A. STARD
Very exhilarating stuff and also I'm back for my battle with Osiris and did not retrieve Tim. Not because I lost but because Tim is not down there. Mid battle Osiris and I realized that we both played racquetball at the same Illuminati gym and stopped fighting. We then went to have drinks at the local underworld bar where Osiris proceeded to tell me that Tim was not dead and therefore could not be in the underworld and that I should head to Russia to check with a very old friend of mine. Yes, none other than the embodiment of and only hope for Mother Russia, Rasputin.
THEB A. STARD
That said, I will end this broadcast here so that I can get on my private jet, have a few drinks, have a steak, have a cake, and then go meet Rasputin. Thank you for listening America! If you have any personal questions for me or any magical tips on how to find Tim, you can reach us at our Twitter page at @Americathepod or on our Instagram page at Americanthepodcasts. You can also follow me on Twitter at @bastardcomedy. You can also leave a five-star review in iTunes or any of the podcast apps. And you should just do that. If you don't remember, I have plenty of magic to make you do it. Why haven't I used magic to make you do it? Well, I don't know. Pick an answer. I'm also kind of lazy, and I'm busy. I'm very busy. I'm an old busy man. I have to go get on a plane to Russia now leave me alone. No, don't leave me alone. You can come with me if you want. Do you want to come with me? No? Well, then fine. Good night and good fight!