|
"Previously On America! Original Air Date - November 26, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels. Previously on America! Six year old avian monster, Big Bird, recently received the COVID-19 vaccination after it was announced that children as young as five could receive the shot causing conservatives to expectedly complain and call the inhabitants of Sesame Street communists. When asked for comment, a blue, furry, googly-eyed spokesperson stated that "Sesame Street not communist. How Fox get that idea? Now give me cookie and death to bourgeoisie!"  This has been "Previously on America!"
0 Comments
"Previously On America! Original Air Date - November 25, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
Previously on America! Multiple insurrectionists have stated that Paul Gosar, a GOP representative whose own family campaigned against him during his election, promised anyone who attended the Capitol Riot a blanket pardon from former president and man who bottles his own farts, Donald J. Trump. That said, I will continue to report on the obvious and predictable things like GOP representatives helping domestic terrorists so stay tuned for more "Previously On America!" "Previously On America! Original Air Date - November 24, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
Previously on America! Facebook, the social media site known for toppling nations and radicalizing your aunt Denise, has changed its corporate name to Meta in an effort to get people interested in their virtual reality world, known as the Metaverse. In future news, although flying tentacled robots have forced humanity to the center of the Earth where it is still warm, human spokesperson, Morpheus, still believes that The One will be born any day now inside the Metaverse. This has been, "Previously On America!"... and the Metaverse! "Previously On America! Original Air Date - November 19, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
Previously on America! It was reported that former President and walking daddy issue, Donald J. Trump, accepted over 80 gifts from Saudi Arabia while in office, including but not limited to robes made a fake Tiger and cheetah fur, multiple swords, and a silver dagger with an ivory handle. When asked why the Saudis gave President Trump those gifts, a spokesperson for the Saudis stated "Oh, it's so that the US would turn a blind eye to the murders that we totally 'don't do' and that the US also totally 'doesn't do'". And then the spokesperson winked so hard that his eyeball fell out. This has been, Previously On America!" "Previously On America! Original Air Date - November 17, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
Previously on America! Senator and winner of world's lowest glasses, Chuck Schumer, has recently suggested that the TSA use canine teams to curb holiday staffing issues caused by TSA agents refusing to get the COVID-19 vaccine. When asked about qualifications and benefits for the canine teams, a representative stated that a quality candidate would of course be a good boy or girl and each doggo officer would receive three belly rub breaks per shift. This has been, "Previously On America!" Previously on America!
Its been reported that several Republican members of Congress met with January 6 Capitol writers to plan the insurrection: Representative Paul Gosar of Arizona, Representative Lauren Boebert of Colorado, Representative Mo Brooks of Alabama, Representative Madison Cawthorn of North Carolina, Representative Andy Biggs of Arizona, Representative Louie Gohmert of Texas, and Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia. In a related story - DUUUUUH! This has been, "Previously On America!" "Previously On America! Original Air Date - November 10, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
Previously on America! A school in florida is making vaccinated students stay home for 30 days to protect unvaccinated students citing a discredited theory that is too stupid and dangerous to mention on the show. In a related story, The FAA has now ordered that only passengers are allowed to fly planes in an effort to protect pilots from dying in a plane crash. This has been, "Previously On America!" "Previously On America! Original Air Date - November 5, 2021, on Tik Tok and Instagram Reels.
Previously on America! Former Secretary of State, Colin Powell, seen here metaphorically pushing a snowball down a hill that killed a literal 400,000 People, has died from COVID 19 complications at the age of 84. Although, he did not face any justice for his war crimes in life, it is now being reported that the supreme court of god has found Powell guilty and sentenced him to rot in hell for all eternity next to fellow war criminal, Donald Rumsfeld. This has been, "Previously On America!" |
Archives
June 2022
Categories |
RSS Feed