AMERICA! THE PODCAST
THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS (VOLUME FIVE) THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK…BUT INSTEAD IT’S TIM CAST (in order of appearance) THEBADIAS A STARD COLLIN HANKS PREMIERE MEREDITH BIPPLEWINK EBENEZER SCROOGE DR. CHRISTOPHER KRAMPUS SANTA CLAUS THOMAS PAINE TIM THE PRODUCER ________________________________________________________________________ MUSIC comes up, plays for two bars but no one is announcing. THEB A STARD HAS ARRIVED AT THE NORTH POLE TO MEET WITH THE ELVES. THEB Wait. Wait. Stop the music. Why is there no one doing the top-of-show thing? It’s the Christmas episode for God’s sake. What? What do you mean we still don’t have an announcer? I thought Doug came back when we offered to double his salary and promote his Quinceanera DJ business? What do you mean I blew the show’s budget on the Search for Tim? Well, I mean, I think it was worth it. Did we not bring in any ad revenue? I spent that too, huh? Well fine. I’ll announce the show myself. [MUSIC] It’s the “America! The Podcast” War On Christmas Spectacular Volume Five - The Search For Spock But Instead It’s Tim…the search for Tim….you get it, right? Right. Moving on! Staring me, Theb A Stard - The Embodiment of and Only Hope for America! Featuring Mike Lyndell and the Stolen Election quartet. With special guests, The Beatles! Wait, what? MUSIC DROPS Oh, we didn’t book them? Did something happen? I just saw them write a new album on Disney Plus over thanksgiving. Oh. A documentary of archived footage put together by Peter Jackson, you say? Ah. I see. Peter Jackson strikes again! You will rue the day, Peter, and only you know what for what you shall rue! Anyways. So can we book them for a last minute performance? Oh. Well, when did they break up? Wow. How did I miss that? Oh right. I was doing A LOT of stuff for Nixon at the time. Well, what if we paid them to reunite. I have a dollar somewhere. Huh? Why not? Oh, Jesus Christ. That’s terrible. So when and how did he die? Wow. Was I really that tied up in getting Reagan elected? Jesus the GOP took up a lot of my time in the past. Wait, George is dead too? Dammit, I need to read more. Wait. What am I saying? No, I don’t. I’m an American and inherently know everything. I guess the reason I didn’t know about the Beatles was because they’re subjects of the god damn crown of england. Just kidding. Queen Elizabeth is a friend. Yes, Liz and I always sit next to each other during the Illuminati’s Winter blood sacrifice. She has this joke about how peasants are gross and poor…super funny…you really have to hear her tell it though. Good times. Anyways, where was I? Ah, yes. MUSIC FADES IN The War on Christmas spectacular - featuring an assortment of Christmas Characters that can’t get my show sued. Now that’s out of the way, let's see what’s happening to me - Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment of and only hope for America! MUSIC FADES OUT FADE IN The sound of a reindeer trotting up and the wind is heard. Sleigh Bells jingle as they land. THEB A STARD is on the reindeer. THEB Whoa! There, there Nathan. We’re here. THEB dismounts NATHAN THEB (cont’d) I owe you a debt of gratitude for taking me all the way to the gates of the North Pole. You may go now and I will take it from here. NATHAN SNORTS THEB (cont’d) Take care of yourself, Nathan, and let the Dakota elves know that I appreciate all of their help. May the magic of Christmas be with you. NATHAN honks and gallops away. THEB Alright then. May this be the end of my search for Tim. THEB POUNDS on the North Pole gate. THEB Come on. [POUNDS] Hello?! Is anyone there? I demand you open this door! ELF ONE Who goes there?! THEB It is I! Thebadias A Stard - the embodiment and only hope for America! I am here to seek an audience with my friend, Meredith Bipplewink. ELF ONE No one sees the Premier Elf without an appointment! THEB [GROANS] Listen, elf… ELF ONE My name is Collin. Collin Hanks. THEB Tom Hanks’ son? COLLIN HANKS No! I’m an elf, you silly human. I also spell my name with TWO L’s! THEB Ah. Well, Collin... COLLIN WITH TWO L’s!!! THEB Yes yes. Collin with two L’s. [MUMBLES] Far too many oddly spelled names in this journey. [NORMAL VOICE] I have traveled the world and need your help to find my producer, Tim. I implore you to let me speak with Meredith. COLLIN That’s ‘Premier Bipplewink’ to you! THEB My god. I’m getting nowhere. I should have never trusted those stoner elves at the 6 Grandfathers. COLLIN Wait, the Dakota elves sent you? Well, that’s a reindeer of a different color! Come in! Come in! THEB Yes, they did. I believe their name was Craigland Dick-something. COLLIN Craigland Dickerydoo?! THEB I believe so, yes. COLLIN Why didn’t you say so! He was my dentist before he left the pole! Get on in here! A LARGE DOOR OPENS COLLIN [cont’] Yeah, if it wasn’t for Craigland, I never would have started flossing. Right, this way. A MUSIC CUE TO FADE BETWEEN SCENES A DOOR KNOCK is heard MEREDITH Enter! THE DOOR opens. A fire is heard. Music is low the entire time THEB is at the Pole. COLLIN Uh...Premier Bipplewink? This human says he was sent by the Dakota elves so that we could help find his friend. His name is… MEREDITH Well, well, well. If it isn’t Thebadias A Stard. It’s wonderful to see you! How have you been? THEB Hello Merry. I’ve been better. How’s communism treating you here at the North Pole? MEREDITH Wonderfully! It’s not technically the North Pole anymore though. THEB What do you mean? MEREDITH It’s still colloquially known as the North Pole but we’re now officially recognized by the United Nations as the Elvin Workers Republic of the North Pole. Economy’s running smoothly. Toy production is up 60%, everyone has high-quality housing, candy and cookies on their tables, and a living sm ile magic wage. We even take the entire elven population on a pilgrimage to the 6 Grandfathers every year to see our brothers and sisters down at the Dakota Farm. But enough about me. What brings you all the way up here? THEB Well, at the end of the Mid-season finale of my very important show, America! The Podcast, my producer Tim went missing. MEREDITH What?! What happened? THEB We were using my storytelling ability to travel back in time to witness the signing of the Declaration and stayed so long we got stuck there. COLLIN Kind of like when the holodeck fails on Star Trek and the crew gets stuck inside. MEREDITH You may go now, Collin. COLLIN Ma’am. THE DOOR SHUTS THEB Your guardian elf is correct. We stayed to witness my transformation into the embodiment of and only hope for America, but, when I wasn’t able to get us back, Tim vanished. I’m not sure if he was Thanos blipped out of existence or was just taken to a different realm of time and space, but I need to get him back. Without Tim, my show may not continue. I fear I need some sort of Christmas miracle! MEREDITH I see. How can we help? THEB Well, I’m at my wit’s end. I’ve been everywhere from Philae, Egypt to Dracula’s Castle to Israel and even to Mars. I was hoping Christmas magic might be able to bring Tim back or at least locate him. I haven’t replenished my supply and, despite being American, I…I don’t think I can do this alone. Do you possibly have any magic to spare or some sort of ancient technology here that can bring Tim back? MEREDITH Well, we don’t have any sort of technology here that could help, but you’re right. One person’s Christmas magic won’t be enough to get it done. THEB Dammit! Then my search truly has ended. How will the world hear the important things I have to shout at them?! This is the worst thing to ever happen to any person ever in all of history! MEREDITH Oh calm down. White men are always so dramatic. THEB Thank you. MEREDITH That wasn’t a compli...nevermind. As I was saying no ONE person’s magic could bring Tim back, but I think I have an idea. THEB You don’t mean… MEREDITH That’s right. We gotta get the band back together through a Christmas montage! THEB Well this is a podcast. I don’t think a montage will translate well. MEREDITH Not with that attitude. First stop - 19th Century England! MONTAGE CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS FADE OUT FADE IN EXT EBENEZER SCROOGE’S HOUSE, LONDON ENGLAND, 1844 THE TOWN IS HEARD as THEB KNOCKS on SCROOGE’S door. THE DOOR OPENS SCROOGE Yes? THEB Hello Scrooge… SCROOGE Thebadias! It is good to see you my friend! Merry Christmas. THEB Oh, thank Christmas. We arrived after the three ghosts this time. Listen, Scrooge, need your help. My producer, Tim, has vanished! SCROOGE That’s terrible! How can I be of assistance, Mr Stard and miss… MEREDITH Oh, It’s Premier, actually. Premier Meredith Bipplewink of the Elven Worker’s Republic. SCROOGE Interesting. I’ve never met an elf before. MY Apologies, your Excellency. How can I be of service, my friends? THEB Well, since you had your experience with those three ghosts, you have Christmas magic that might help get my friend back. SCROOGE Very well. Let me grab my coat. It was actually four ghosts. Wait, how are you aware of the ghosts that I saw? THEB Long story. Around 62 pages in fact. Ok. Let’s see. Well, that was easy. Where to next, Merry? MEREDITH We gotta get Krampus. He’ll have loads of Christmas magic. CHRISTMAS MUSIC COMES UP CHRISTMAS MUSIC LOWERS WIND is heard THEB Where the hell are we? I thought the spell was cast to take us to Krampus. This looks like a hospital. MEREDITH There! The sign says [in German], Münchner Zentrum für Virusforschung. THEB In American, please! MEREDITH Munich Center for Viral Research. THEB Why would Krampus be here? MEREDITH Remember? He helped develop the COVID-19 vaccine. We had a whole conversation about the RNA work he was doing last year after we saved Christmas. THEB Ah yes! I offered him a hundred million dollars for the rights to it back in January. Alas Krampus turned down the money and made the vaccine free to everyone. It’s still free in fact. A true attack on capitalism. I’ll just double my offer when it’s time for the COVID 24 vaccine. For now, let’s go in. SLIDING DOOR CHIMES A SOUND OF A HOSPITAL IS HEARD RICHARD Hello and welcome to the Munich Center for Viral Research. Can I help you? THEB [to the group] Oh boy. I think I know this person. Lemme handle this. [to RICHARD] You sound familiar. You don’t happen to have a brother named Carolyn do you? RICHARD That’s Carolyn with a B, sir! But yes, that’s my twin brother who works at [whispers] a secret temple in Antarctica that I think the Illuminati runs but I’m not ‘spose to talk about with y’all unless you’re Illuminati people err somethin. THEB Well, Merry and I are both members so your secret is safe with us, miss… RICHARD Oh how rude of me, I’m RICHARD. Richard with a Q. THEB Of course it is. Do you know how that spelling works, Merry? MEREDITH I speak every language and can’t make candy canes or gum drops outta that. THEB Right. This name thing is getting outta hand. Collin with two Ls, Jared Kushner the elf, Carolyn with a B. Now Rick with a Q… RICHARD You got somethin’ to say about my twin brother, Carolyn with a B? THEB No. It's just... RICHARD Listen sir! I don’t make my brother teleport me from our studio apartment in Las Colinas, Texas, all the way to Antarctica, then jump through a weird smelly portal all the way to Munich, Germany every morning for work just to listen to y’all pick apart the names our momma, Tiffany, gave us. THEB And I suppose Tiffany is spelled with a… RICHARD With a 7 obviously! HOW CAN I HELP YOU? THEB [SIGHS] Very well. We’re here to see...uh...Krampus? RICHARD Dr. Christopher Krampus? THEB Christopher? Really? We’re doing that? RICHARD You got a problem with somebody else’s name? THEB No. It’s just a weird name for a monster. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. Which seems to be happening quite frequently. Is it me? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. MEREDITH Wait! Is that him? THEB [to RICHARD] Nevermind. Good day, Richard with... RICHARD A Q! THEB Jesus Derek Christ. Whatever. [to MERRY] Indeed it is, Merry! [to KRAMPUS] Krampus! KRAMPUS Thebadias! Meredith! Ebeneezer! What brings you to Munich? Wait. Is this about Tim vanishing? THEB Why, yes it is! You listen to my very important show? KRAMPUS Of course! The mini-episodes are kinda meh but I never miss an episode! THEB Yeah, those were Tim’s idea. Speaking of - we need your Christmas magic to bring him back. Will you help us? KRAMPUS Well I WAS in the middle of developing a vaccine that would cure the common cold. THEB The cure for the cold can wait! Please Krampus! We need you. Tim needs you! KRAMPUS Well alright. Let me tell the other virologists that I’m leaving. THEB Very good. How many more people do we need to get, Merry? MEREDITH Three or four more will do the trick and then we SHOULD have enough magic. THEB Then let’s skip ahead if we can. MEREDITH How? THEB Through the magic of capitalism! We can just go to commercial and then we’ll be back at my estate in Austin, TX with all of the other Christmas characters. Alright, America! First - my apologies for just now acknowledging you. As you know I have other things on my mind and forget I have this recorder strapped to my chest. Second - while we continue to get the Christmas band back together, I invite you to hear these ads so that I can hear my bank account grow like the Grinch’s heart. We’ll be right back. MUSIC CHRISTMAS AD CHRISTMAS AD MUSIC FADE IN - THEB’S ESTATE FIRE is heard and INSTRUMENTAL CHRISTMAS MUSIC is lightly heard. THEB And we’re back, America. At my estate in Austin, TX that is. And it appears we have everyone here? Question mark? Premier Meredith Bipplewink, Ebenezer Scrooge, Dr. Christopher Krampus. Frosty The Snowman, whom Tim and I have hung out with regularly outside of the podcast. Jack Frost, and of course Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer. Not gonna lie, Meredith. Our “band” is not what I thought it would be. MEREDITH What do you mean? THEB Look what we have. Scrooge is an elderly real estate agent, Krampus is a monster-turned-virologist. KRAMPUS Hey! I’m not a monster. I’m a demon. THEB That doesn’t make it better. KRAMPUS Demons can do good things too ya know. I helped create the covid vaccine. SCROOGE What is ‘covid’? THEB Let’s not bicker. We have work to do. Where’s Frosty? MEREDITH He has to stay outside since he keeps melting. THEB Well, we’re in Texas and the AC can only go so low. Can’t Jack Frost keep him cool? MEREDITH I’m 90% sure Jack’s doing coke in the bathroom with Rudolph. THEB That explains why his nose was extra red earlier. MEREDITH Honestly, I don’t know how much magic Rudy actually has left. THEB What do you mean? MEREDITH He retired 20 years ago to sell insurance after realizing how terrible Santa was. Aside from me and maybe the half-melted weirdo outside, well, I’m starting to have my doubts this will work. THEB Well, we have to try! Alright, everyone. Frosty - get in here. Jack put the powder away and keep frosty cold. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES THEB Alright. Everyone take a hand and let’s concentrate on bringing Tim back from where he is. We need all of the Christmas magic you can muster. Let’s do this! A MAGICAL SOUND is heard and it fails. THEB Dammit! I thought this would work. Maybe it wasn’t enough. Is there anyone else we could call? Maybe a non-Christmas character. What about the Easter Bunny? KRAMPUS Oh, you didn’t hear? He’s in rehab after overdosing on Fentanyl. MEREDITH The opioid epidemic claims another victim. THEB Ugh. Dammit. Well, my thoughts and prayers are with him and his family. What about father time or baby new year? MEREDITH Father Time died in 2008 and the current baby new year is scheduled to be the antichrist, so… THEB Ugh. Is there anyone we could call? KRAMPUS Well, there’s one person I know we haven’t tried. THEB No. I won’t do it. MEREDITH I don’t like it either, Theb, but we may have to. THEB No way. He hates me and tried to poison Tim a few years ago. KRAMPUS I don’t think we have any other option, Theb. You have to call him. You have to call Santa. DUN DUN DUN PLAYS ATP THEME PLAYS TO COMMERCIAL COMMERCIAL (ACTUAL) ATP THEME PLAYS THEB Alright. I called him and made a deal. He should be here shortly. MEREDITH Wait. What kind of “deal”? A THUD IS HEARD FOLLOWED BY SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING. SANTA HO HO HO. THEB Hello Nicolas. Thank you for coming. SANTA It’s very brave of you to have me here, Thebadias. Especially after you called the feds on me two years ago. Are you not afraid? THEB Ha! Not in the least. I’m an immortal and I also called in a favor to the US military. Right now there are 15 navy snipers with guns on you. If you try to harm me, Meredith, or any other person here, your belly will be full of more than just milk and cookies. [a beat] It’ll be full of bullets. That's what I meant. Bullets. SANTA Yeah yeah, I got it. I thought you said we had a deal. THEB We do. If you help us get Tim back, I will have your criminal record wiped clean. Killing Jeffery Epstein wasn’t that evil as it is. MEREDITH But exploiting the elven workforce at the North Pole was! THEB Uh, yes. About that, Meredith. I also told him I would serve as a neutral party to discuss having him come back at the Pole. MEREDITH Absolutely not. THEB [WHISPERS] Listen, Merry. I had to give him something. You don’t have to agree to take him back. Just entertain the idea and I’ll deal with him after. MEREDITH [SIGHS] Ok, fine. THEB Alright, everyone. Let’s try this one more time. Santa, you can take the lead on this attempt. SANTA Very good. Everyone, with me now. Concentrate on Christmas. MAGIC SOUND is heard again, but fails. THEB Dammit. It didn’t work! Are you even trying, Kringle? SANTA Don’t blame me! I used every bit of power I could conjure up. MEREDITH He’s full of shit. Probably didn’t even try. He only cares about himself. SANTA Oh, fuck off, you commy elf. I should have sent you to the South Pole penile colony years ago. MEREDITH Jokes on you. We shut that down and freed the political prisoners you kept there. SANTA Oh good. Because the world totally needs more marxist elves. THEB Quiet! This festive fighting is getting us nowhere. Is there no one in the world or America that could help me?! THOMAS PAINE I believe I could be of some assistance! EVERYONE Thomas Paine?! THOMAS PAINE theme plays. THOMAS PAINE The one and only. THEB Tom! It has been too long! What are you doing here? THOMAS PAINE Well, I was listening to your show and heard Tim had vanished. THEB You listen to my very important show? How? THOMAS PAINE Oh. “America! The Podcast” is the number one podcast in the afterlife. Everyone listens to it. Even the other founding fathers. THEB They…they do? THOMAS PAINE They do indeed, my friend. Ben Franklin sends his regards. THEB Oh, well, that is wonderful! So, then I guess you heard season 5 episode 4 - ie the episode on Common Sense. THOMAS PAINE Indeed, I did. And I wanted to apologize. I had no idea I was writing down what you were saying. I was in a bit of a writing trance at the bar that night. I hope you can forgive me for accidentally stealing your very important words. THEB No worries at all! You stole my words. I purchased your bones on the black market and keep them in an old Banker Box beneath my desk. Water under the bridge. THOMAS PAINE Wait. What? THEB “Water under the bridge”. It’s a metaphor or turn of phrase or something. Not real sure. Anyways. You said you could help find Tim? THOMAS PAINE I can! I thought I could use my Christmas magic. THEB Wait. How do you have Christmas magic? THOMAS PAINE Oh because Common Sense came out around Christmas - as did the American Crisis. THE OTHERS murmur saying things like “I guess that counts”. THOMAS PAINE I also once helped my neighbor discover the true meaning of Christmas. THEB Really? I thought you were famously non-religious. THOMAS PAINE Listen. Do you want my help or not? THEB Absolutely. Do your thing, Mr Paine. MAGICAL SOUND COMES UP FOLLOWED BY A MAGIC DING THEB Holy Heath Ledger’s Ghost - he’s alive! TIM Whoa! Where am I? MEREDITH You did it, Thomas! THEB Welcome home, Timothy! TIM Wait... I’m home? I’m home! You got me out! THEB Indeed, I did! EVERYONE [clears throat] THEB Well… we all helped but the credit goes to Thomas Paine. THOMAS PAINE THEME TIM Oh wow. It’s great to meet you, Mr. Paine. THOMAS PAINE Likewise, my good sir. TIM Damn, Theb. You got everyone to help. Hey Merry its good to see you! Frosty, Jack, Rudolph. Krampus and Scrooge too! Ah man. This is great. SANTA Ho ho ho. TIM Oh shit, Theb! It’s Santa! Get down! A GUNSHOT is heard followed by a THUD. MERREDITH Oh my god he killed him! TIM Did I get him? THEB What are you doing?! I made a deal with Santa to help bring you back! TIM But he tried to kill me last time he was here! KRAMPUS Also, Santa technically didn’t help bring Tim back. That was all Thomas. His deal is basically void. THEB Oh yeah, good point. Where did you even get a gun, Timothy. TIM Oh right. When I disappeared, I ended up back in the Void of Time. TIM It felt like I was in their 50 years and 5 minutes at the same time. If someone had left the remote from the movie Click in the Void of Time, I probably could have gotten out! THEB Ooooo. Sorry about that. I’ll make it up to you with a pizza. Frosty - order Brooklyn Pie Company on one of the food apps. Anyways, you were saying about the gun? TIM Well, when I realized where I was, I remembered you told me there were a ton of guns everywhere. Sure enough, I immediately tripped over one of the hundreds of Smith and Wessons scattered on the ground. Serious lack of gun safety in the void of time. That Matrix staging area gun room is way more organized. THEB Agreed. The old gods have really let the Void go to shit. TIM Right. Well, at any rate, I’m glad I grabbed a gun. That place is infested with Time Bears. THEB Time bears? TIM That’s what I called them at least. Terrifying glowing 3 foot tall bears that sing showtunes. The glowing part I understood and the smallness added to , ya know, the creepy factor, but not really sure why they sang. THEB Ohhhh I know what you’re talking about. They sing to lure people to their deaths. I can’t actually remember what they’re called. SANTA They're called Soul Decapitaters. MEREDITH He’s alive! SANTA Oh course, I’m alive. The bullet only grazed me. This liberal snowflake couldn’t shoot the ground if he was looking at it. It also helps being immortal. THEB Indeed it does. SANTA Listen everyone. I want to apologize. Seeing everyone come together to save a mediocre white man at Christmas… TIM Hey! MEREDITH I mean… TIM Yeah alright. SANTA [cont’d] …gave me a new outlook on life and has filled me with the Christmas Spirit! I lost it for years. Making millions of dollars in toys, giving into greed to make even more money, going to lavish coke fueled toy executive parties. It got to the point where the coke was the only snow I ever saw. But tonight has changed me. Meredith? MEREDITH Yes, Santa? SANTA I know I don’t deserve to come back to the North Pole. And frankly, I don’t expect you to let me come back. I’ll admit, through communism, you’ve done amazing things with North Pole Operations. I routinely found myself both jealous and proud of the work you are doing. But, if you can find it in your heart to have me back, I would love to come help. MEREDITH I don’t know if I can trust you. What would you even want to do? SANTA Well, to be honest, I miss making toys. Maybe I could start on the toy line while on my journey to build back the trust I broke. MEREDITH Hmmmm. What does everyone think? Scrooge? Scrooge? SCROOGE [Snores] MEREDITH Ah he fell asleep. Then I guess let’s start with Thomas Paine. THOMAS PAINE THEME THOMAS PAINE If his heart is true, then why not forgive. What about you, my furry friend? KRAMPUS I vote ‘forgiveness’ as long as his red little bottom gets a good spanking. EVERYONE Ew. God. Jeez. THEB Krampus! We talked about this. MEREDITH What about you, Frosty? FROSTY I’m dying. THEB Yes, but what’s your vote. FROSTY I vote for whatever gets me back to the snow. RUDOLPH HONK! MEREDITH Well that’s a yes from Rudolph..I think. Anybody seen Jack Frost? THEB I think he’s doing push ups into his pile of cocaine in the other room. We should probably take him to that rehab center the Easter bunny’s at when we’re done here. MEREDITH Good call. Well then that just leaves you two. TIM Why us? We’re not Christmas characters. MEREDITH Maybe not, but you both have still found your way into the inner-workings of Christmas the past few years. Plus, like you said, Santa tried to kill you so If any two humans deserve a vote, well… THEB While it may seem un-American of me, it is Christmas so I vote ‘forgiveness’. Timothy? TIM I mean…Listen. Ever since you tried to kill us in the War On Christmas volume 3, I jump whenever I hear sleigh bells. Mall Santas even freak me out. SANTA I am terribly sorry for the stress I caused. Truthfully, I only tried to poison you since you knew I killed Jeffery Epstein. TIM Well…yeah murder isn’t great, but it was Epstein. And I guess if the elves forgive you, then so can I. MEREDITH Hurray! Santa’s back! SANTA Thank you, everyone! I can’t wait to make toys again. Ho ho ho! MUSIC Comes up THEB Well, Timothy. Another Christmas adventure on the books. TIM Yeah. I wish I could have been more a part of it, though. THEB Well, maybe next year. For now, Christmas will continue like it has for eons now that Santa’s back at the North Pole. Which reminds me, I was a little shocked you gave him a pass for killing Jeffery Epstein. TIM Well, yeah, it would have been great to get info out of that Son of a bitch before he died, but he was a fucking monster. Good riddance. THEB Yes, but you DO remember that Santa killed Epstein to COVER UP the crimes of the rich and powerful, right? TIM Oh my god. That’s right. Fuck. THEB Yup. TIM What do we do? THEB Well, I guess we hope Santa doesn’t kill again and that him working his way back into the North Pole isn’t part of some larger plan to take back control of the now stable Elvin Workers Republic of the North Pole - the first truly stable and prosperous communist government in history. TIM Jesus Christ. What have we done? I feel sick. THEB Well, just keep waving to the audience and you’ll be fine. TIM This is a podcast. The audience can’t see us. THEB Well, then just keep waving at the fireplace and slowly drift into insanity. Good night, good fight, and Merry Christmas, America! SANTA (OMINOUS WITH AN ECHO) HO HO HO! ###
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