The War On Christmas (Vol 5) - The Search For Spock, But Instead It's Tim [TRANSCRIPT]

  AMERICA! THE PODCAST

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS (VOLUME FIVE)

THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK…BUT INSTEAD IT’S TIM

CAST
(in order of appearance)

THEBADIAS A STARD
COLLIN HANKS
PREMIERE MEREDITH BIPPLEWINK
EBENEZER SCROOGE
DR. CHRISTOPHER KRAMPUS
SANTA CLAUS
THOMAS PAINE
TIM THE PRODUCER

________________________________________________________________________



MUSIC comes up, plays for two bars but no one is announcing. THEB A STARD HAS ARRIVED AT THE NORTH POLE TO MEET WITH THE ELVES.

THEB
Wait. Wait. Stop the music. Why is there no one doing the top-of-show thing? It’s the Christmas episode for God’s sake. What? What do you mean we still don’t have an announcer? I thought Doug came back when we offered to double his salary and promote his Quinceanera DJ business? What do you mean I blew the show’s budget on the Search for Tim? Well, I mean, I think it was worth it. Did we not bring in any ad revenue? I spent that too, huh? Well fine. I’ll announce the show myself.

[MUSIC]

 It’s the “America! The Podcast” War On Christmas Spectacular Volume Five - The Search For Spock But Instead It’s Tim…the search for Tim….you get it, right? Right. Moving on! Staring me, Theb A Stard - The Embodiment of and Only Hope for America! Featuring Mike Lyndell and the Stolen Election quartet. With special guests, The Beatles! Wait, what?

MUSIC DROPS

Oh, we didn’t book them? Did something happen? I just saw them write a new album on Disney Plus over thanksgiving. Oh. A documentary of archived footage put together by Peter Jackson, you say? Ah. I see. Peter Jackson strikes again! You will rue the day, Peter, and only you know what for what you shall rue! Anyways. So can we book them for a last minute performance? Oh. Well, when did they break up? Wow. How did I miss that? Oh right. I was doing A LOT of stuff for Nixon at the time. Well, what if we paid them to reunite. I have a dollar somewhere. Huh? Why not? Oh, Jesus Christ. That’s terrible. So when and how did he die? Wow. Was I really that tied up in getting Reagan elected? Jesus the GOP took up a lot of my time in the past. Wait, George is dead too? Dammit, I need to read more. Wait. What am I saying? No, I don’t. I’m an American and inherently know everything. I guess the reason I didn’t know about the Beatles was because they’re subjects of the god damn crown of england. Just kidding. Queen Elizabeth is a friend. Yes, Liz and I always sit next to each other during the Illuminati’s Winter blood sacrifice. She has this joke about how peasants are gross and poor…super funny…you really have to hear her tell it though. Good times. Anyways, where was I? Ah, yes. 

MUSIC FADES IN

The War on Christmas spectacular - featuring an assortment of Christmas Characters that can’t get my show sued. Now that’s out of the way, let's see what’s happening to me - Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment of and only hope for America!

MUSIC FADES OUT


FADE IN
The sound of a reindeer trotting up and the wind is heard. Sleigh Bells jingle as they land. THEB A STARD is on the reindeer.

THEB
Whoa! There, there Nathan. We’re here. 

THEB dismounts NATHAN

THEB (cont’d)
I owe you a debt of gratitude for taking me all the way to the gates of the North Pole. You may go now and I will take it from here. 

NATHAN SNORTS
THEB (cont’d)
Take care of yourself, Nathan, and let the Dakota elves know that I appreciate all of their help. May the magic of Christmas be with you.

NATHAN honks and gallops away.

THEB
Alright then. May this be the end of my search for Tim.

THEB POUNDS on the North Pole gate.

THEB
Come on. [POUNDS] Hello?! Is anyone there? I demand you open this door!

ELF ONE
Who goes there?!

THEB
It is I! Thebadias A Stard - the embodiment and only hope for America! I am here to seek an audience with my friend, Meredith Bipplewink. 

ELF ONE
No one sees the Premier Elf without an appointment!

THEB
[GROANS] Listen, elf…

 ELF ONE
My name is Collin. Collin Hanks. 

THEB
Tom Hanks’ son?

COLLIN HANKS
No! I’m an elf, you silly human. I also spell my name with TWO L’s!

THEB
Ah. Well, Collin...

COLLIN
WITH TWO L’s!!! 

THEB
Yes yes. Collin with two L’s. 
[MUMBLES] Far too many oddly spelled names in this journey. [NORMAL VOICE] I have traveled the world and need your help to find my producer, Tim. I implore you to let me speak with Meredith.

COLLIN
That’s ‘Premier Bipplewink’ to you!

THEB
My god. I’m getting nowhere. I should have never trusted those stoner elves at the 6 Grandfathers. 

COLLIN
Wait, the Dakota elves sent you? Well, that’s a reindeer of a different color! Come in! Come in!

THEB
Yes, they did. I believe their name was Craigland Dick-something. 

COLLIN
Craigland Dickerydoo?! 

THEB
I believe so, yes.

COLLIN
Why didn’t you say so! He was my dentist before he left the pole! Get on in here!

A LARGE DOOR OPENS

COLLIN [cont’]
Yeah, if it wasn’t for Craigland, I never would have started flossing. Right, this way.

A MUSIC CUE TO FADE BETWEEN SCENES
A DOOR KNOCK is heard

MEREDITH
Enter!

THE DOOR opens. A fire is heard. Music is low the entire time THEB is at the Pole.

COLLIN
Uh...Premier Bipplewink? This human says he was sent by the Dakota elves so that we could help find his friend. His name is…

MEREDITH
Well, well, well. If it isn’t Thebadias A Stard. It’s wonderful to see you! How have you been?

THEB
Hello Merry. I’ve been better. How’s communism treating you here at the North Pole?

MEREDITH
Wonderfully! It’s not technically the North Pole anymore though. 

THEB
What do you mean?

MEREDITH
It’s still colloquially known as the North Pole but we’re now officially recognized by the United Nations as the Elvin Workers Republic of the North Pole. Economy’s running smoothly. Toy production is up 60%, everyone has high-quality housing, candy and cookies on their tables, and a living sm ile magic wage. We even take the entire elven population on a pilgrimage to the 6 Grandfathers every year to see our brothers and sisters down at the Dakota Farm. But enough about me. What brings you all the way up here?

THEB
Well, at the end of the Mid-season finale of my very important show, America! The Podcast, my producer Tim went missing. 

MEREDITH
What?! What happened?

THEB
We were using my storytelling ability to travel back in time to witness the signing of the Declaration and stayed so long we got stuck there. 

COLLIN
Kind of like when the holodeck fails on Star Trek and the crew gets stuck inside.   


MEREDITH
You may go now, Collin. 

COLLIN
Ma’am.
THE DOOR SHUTS

THEB
Your guardian elf is correct. We stayed to witness my transformation into the embodiment of and only hope for America, but, when I wasn’t able to get us back, Tim vanished. I’m not sure if he was Thanos blipped out of existence or was just taken to a different realm of time and space, but I need to get him back. Without Tim, my show may not continue. I fear I need some sort of Christmas miracle!

MEREDITH
I see. How can we help?

THEB
Well, I’m at my wit’s end. I’ve been everywhere from Philae, Egypt to Dracula’s Castle to Israel and even to Mars. I was hoping Christmas magic might be able to bring Tim back or at least locate him. I haven’t replenished my supply and, despite being American, I…I don’t think I can do this alone. Do you possibly have any magic to spare or some sort of ancient technology here that can bring Tim back?

MEREDITH
Well, we don’t have any sort of technology here that could help, but you’re right. One person’s Christmas magic won’t be enough to get it done. 

THEB
Dammit! Then my search truly has ended. How will the world hear the important things I have to shout at them?! This is the worst thing to ever happen to any person ever in all of history!

MEREDITH
Oh calm down. White men are always so dramatic.

THEB
Thank you.

MEREDITH
That wasn’t a compli...nevermind. As I was saying no ONE person’s magic could bring Tim back, but I think I have an idea. 

THEB
You don’t mean…

MEREDITH
That’s right. We gotta get the band back together through a Christmas montage! 

THEB
Well this is a podcast. I don’t think a montage will translate well.

MEREDITH
Not with that attitude. First stop - 19th Century England!

MONTAGE CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT EBENEZER SCROOGE’S HOUSE, LONDON ENGLAND, 1844
THE TOWN IS HEARD as THEB KNOCKS on SCROOGE’S door.
THE DOOR OPENS

SCROOGE
Yes?

THEB
Hello Scrooge…

SCROOGE
Thebadias! It is good to see you my friend! Merry Christmas.

THEB
Oh, thank Christmas. We arrived after the three ghosts this time. Listen, Scrooge, need your help. My producer, Tim, has vanished!

SCROOGE
That’s terrible! How can I be of assistance, Mr Stard and miss…

MEREDITH
Oh, It’s Premier, actually. Premier Meredith Bipplewink of the Elven Worker’s Republic. 

SCROOGE
    Interesting. I’ve never met an elf before. MY Apologies, your Excellency. How can I be of service, my friends?

THEB
Well, since you had your experience with those three ghosts, you have Christmas magic that might help get my friend back.

SCROOGE
Very well. Let me grab my coat. It was actually four ghosts. Wait, how are you aware of the ghosts that I saw?

THEB
Long story. Around 62 pages in fact. Ok. Let’s see. Well, that was easy. Where to next, Merry?

MEREDITH
We gotta get Krampus. He’ll have loads of Christmas magic.

CHRISTMAS MUSIC COMES UP
CHRISTMAS MUSIC LOWERS
WIND is heard

THEB
Where the hell are we? I thought the spell was cast to take us to Krampus. This looks like a hospital. 

MEREDITH
There! The sign says [in German], Münchner Zentrum für Virusforschung.

THEB
In American, please! 

MEREDITH
Munich Center for Viral Research.

THEB
Why would Krampus be here?

MEREDITH
Remember? He helped develop the COVID-19 vaccine. We had a whole conversation about the RNA work he was doing last year after we saved Christmas.

THEB
Ah yes! I offered him a hundred million dollars for the rights to it back in January. Alas Krampus turned down the money and made the vaccine free to everyone. It’s still free in fact. A true attack on capitalism. I’ll just double my offer when it’s time for the COVID 24 vaccine. For now, let’s go in.

SLIDING DOOR CHIMES
A SOUND OF A HOSPITAL IS HEARD

RICHARD
Hello and welcome to the Munich Center for Viral Research. Can I help you?

THEB
[to the group] Oh boy. I think I know this person. Lemme handle this. [to RICHARD] 

You sound familiar. You don’t happen to have a brother named Carolyn do you?

RICHARD
That’s Carolyn with a B, sir! But yes, that’s my twin brother who works at [whispers] a secret temple in Antarctica that I think the Illuminati runs but I’m not ‘spose to talk about with y’all unless you’re Illuminati people err somethin.

THEB
Well, Merry and I are both members so your secret is safe with us, miss…

RICHARD
Oh how rude of me, I’m RICHARD. Richard with a Q.

THEB
Of course it is. Do you know how that spelling works, Merry?

MEREDITH
I speak every language and can’t make candy canes or gum drops outta that.

THEB
Right. This name thing is getting outta hand. Collin with two Ls, Jared Kushner the elf, Carolyn with a B. Now Rick with a Q…

RICHARD
You got somethin’ to say about my twin brother, Carolyn with a B?

THEB
No. It's just...

RICHARD
Listen sir! I don’t make my brother teleport me from our studio apartment in Las Colinas, Texas, all the way to Antarctica, then jump through a weird smelly portal all the way to Munich, Germany every morning for work just to listen to y’all pick apart the names our momma, Tiffany, gave us. 

THEB
And I suppose Tiffany is spelled with a…

RICHARD
With a 7 obviously! HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

THEB
[SIGHS] Very well. We’re here to see...uh...Krampus?

RICHARD
Dr. Christopher Krampus?

THEB
Christopher? Really? We’re doing that? 

RICHARD
You got a problem with somebody else’s name?

THEB
No. It’s just a weird name for a monster. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. Which seems to be happening quite frequently. Is it me? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here.

MEREDITH
Wait! Is that him?

THEB
[to RICHARD] Nevermind. Good day, Richard with... 

RICHARD
A Q!

THEB
Jesus Derek Christ. Whatever. [to MERRY] Indeed it is, Merry! [to KRAMPUS] Krampus!

KRAMPUS
Thebadias! Meredith! Ebeneezer! What brings you to Munich? Wait. Is this about Tim vanishing?

THEB
Why, yes it is! You listen to my very important show?

KRAMPUS
Of course! The mini-episodes are kinda meh but I never miss an episode!

THEB
Yeah, those were Tim’s idea. Speaking of - we need your Christmas magic to bring him back. Will you help us?

KRAMPUS
Well I WAS in the middle of developing a vaccine that would cure the common cold.

THEB
The cure for the cold can wait! Please Krampus! We need you. Tim needs you!

KRAMPUS
Well alright. Let me tell the other virologists that I’m leaving. 

THEB
Very good. How many more people do we need to get, Merry?

MEREDITH
Three or four more will do the trick and then we SHOULD have enough magic.

THEB
Then let’s skip ahead if we can.

MEREDITH
How?

THEB
Through the magic of capitalism! We can just go to commercial and then we’ll be back at my estate in Austin, TX with all of the other Christmas characters. 

Alright, America! First - my apologies for just now acknowledging you. As you know I have other things on my mind and forget I have this recorder strapped to my chest. Second - while we continue to get the Christmas band back together, I invite you to hear these ads so that I can hear my bank account grow like the Grinch’s heart. We’ll be right back.


MUSIC
CHRISTMAS AD
CHRISTMAS AD
MUSIC
FADE IN - THEB’S ESTATE
FIRE is heard and INSTRUMENTAL CHRISTMAS MUSIC is lightly heard.

THEB
And we’re back, America. At my estate in Austin, TX that is. And it appears we have everyone here? Question mark? Premier Meredith Bipplewink, Ebenezer Scrooge, Dr. Christopher Krampus. Frosty The Snowman, whom Tim and I have hung out with regularly outside of the podcast. Jack Frost, and of course Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer. Not gonna lie, Meredith. Our “band” is not what I thought it would be.

MEREDITH
What do you mean?

THEB
Look what we have. Scrooge is an elderly real estate agent,  Krampus is a monster-turned-virologist.

KRAMPUS
Hey! I’m not a monster. I’m a demon.

THEB
That doesn’t make it better. 

KRAMPUS
Demons can do good things too ya know. I helped create the covid vaccine.

SCROOGE
What is ‘covid’?

THEB
Let’s not bicker. We have work to do. Where’s Frosty? 

MEREDITH
He has to stay outside since he keeps melting.

THEB
Well, we’re in Texas and the AC can only go so low. Can’t Jack Frost keep him cool? 

MEREDITH
I’m 90% sure Jack’s doing coke in the bathroom with Rudolph. 

THEB
That explains why his nose was extra red earlier.

MEREDITH
Honestly, I don’t know how much magic Rudy actually has left. 

THEB
What do you mean?

MEREDITH
He retired 20 years ago to sell insurance after realizing how terrible Santa was. Aside from me and maybe the half-melted weirdo outside, well, I’m starting to have my doubts this will work. 

THEB
Well, we have to try! Alright, everyone. Frosty - get in here. Jack put the powder away and keep frosty cold.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

THEB
Alright. Everyone take a hand and let’s concentrate on bringing Tim back from where he is. We need all of the Christmas magic you can muster. Let’s do this!

A MAGICAL SOUND is heard and it fails.

THEB
Dammit! I thought this would work. Maybe it wasn’t enough. Is there anyone else we could call? Maybe a non-Christmas character. What about the Easter Bunny?

KRAMPUS
Oh, you didn’t hear? He’s in rehab after overdosing on Fentanyl.

MEREDITH
The opioid epidemic claims another victim.

THEB
Ugh. Dammit. Well, my thoughts and prayers are with him and his family. What about father time or baby new year?

MEREDITH
Father Time died in 2008 and the current baby new year is scheduled to be the antichrist, so…

THEB
Ugh. Is there anyone we could call?

KRAMPUS
Well, there’s one person I know we haven’t tried.

THEB
No. I won’t do it.

MEREDITH
I don’t like it either, Theb, but we may have to.

THEB
No way. He hates me and tried to poison Tim a few years ago.

KRAMPUS
I don’t think we have any other option, Theb. You have to call him. You have to call Santa.

DUN DUN DUN PLAYS
ATP THEME PLAYS TO COMMERCIAL
COMMERCIAL (ACTUAL)
ATP THEME PLAYS

THEB
Alright. I called him and made a deal. He should be here shortly.

MEREDITH
Wait. What kind of “deal”?

A THUD IS HEARD FOLLOWED BY SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING.

SANTA
HO HO HO.

THEB
Hello Nicolas. Thank you for coming.

SANTA
It’s very brave of you to have me here, Thebadias. Especially after you called the feds on me two years ago. Are you not afraid?

THEB
Ha! Not in the least. I’m an immortal and I also called in a favor to the US military. Right now there are 15 navy snipers with guns on you. If you try to harm me, Meredith, or any other person here, your belly will be full of more than just milk and cookies. [a beat] It’ll be full of bullets. That's what I meant. Bullets.

SANTA
Yeah yeah, I got it. I thought you said we had a deal.

THEB
We do. If you help us get Tim back, I will have your criminal record wiped clean. Killing Jeffery Epstein wasn’t that evil as it is. 

MEREDITH
But exploiting the elven workforce at the North Pole was!

THEB
Uh, yes. About that, Meredith. I also told him I would serve as a neutral party to discuss having him come back at the Pole.

MEREDITH
Absolutely not.

THEB
[WHISPERS]
Listen, Merry. I had to give him something. You don’t have to agree to take him back. Just entertain the idea and I’ll deal with him after.

MEREDITH
[SIGHS] Ok, fine.

THEB
Alright, everyone. Let’s try this one more time. Santa, you can take the lead on this attempt.

SANTA
Very good. Everyone, with me now. Concentrate on Christmas.

MAGIC SOUND is heard again, but fails.

THEB
Dammit. It didn’t work! Are you even trying, Kringle?

SANTA
Don’t blame me! I used every bit of power I could conjure up. 

MEREDITH
He’s full of shit. Probably didn’t even try. He only cares about himself.  

SANTA
Oh, fuck off, you commy elf. I should have sent you to the South Pole penile colony years ago.

MEREDITH
Jokes on you. We shut that down and freed the political prisoners you kept there.

SANTA
Oh good. Because the world totally needs more marxist elves.

THEB
Quiet! This festive fighting is getting us nowhere. Is there no one in the world or America that could help me?!

THOMAS PAINE
I believe I could be of some assistance!

EVERYONE
Thomas Paine?!

THOMAS PAINE theme plays.

THOMAS PAINE
The one and only.

THEB
Tom! It has been too long! What are you doing here?

THOMAS PAINE
Well, I was listening to your show and heard Tim had vanished. 

THEB
You listen to my very important show? How?

THOMAS PAINE
Oh. “America! The Podcast” is the number one podcast in the afterlife. Everyone listens to it. Even the other founding fathers. 

THEB
They…they do?

THOMAS PAINE
They do indeed, my friend. Ben Franklin sends his regards.

THEB
Oh, well, that is wonderful! So, then I guess you heard season 5 episode 4 - ie the episode on Common Sense. 

THOMAS PAINE
Indeed, I did. And I wanted to apologize. I had no idea I was writing down what you were saying. I was in a bit of a writing trance at the bar that night. I hope you can forgive me for accidentally stealing your very important words.

THEB
No worries at all! You stole my words. I purchased your bones on the black market and keep them in an old Banker Box beneath my desk. Water under the bridge. 

THOMAS PAINE
Wait. What?

THEB
“Water under the bridge”. It’s a metaphor or turn of phrase or something. Not real sure. Anyways. You said you could help find Tim?

THOMAS PAINE
I can! I thought I could use my Christmas magic.

THEB
Wait. How do you have Christmas magic?

THOMAS PAINE
Oh because Common Sense came out around Christmas - as did the American Crisis. 

THE OTHERS murmur saying things like “I guess that counts”.

THOMAS PAINE
 I also once helped my neighbor discover the true meaning of Christmas.

THEB
Really? I thought you were famously non-religious.

THOMAS PAINE
Listen. Do you want my help or not?

THEB
Absolutely. Do your thing, Mr Paine.

MAGICAL SOUND COMES UP FOLLOWED BY A MAGIC DING

THEB
Holy Heath Ledger’s Ghost - he’s alive!

TIM
Whoa! Where am I? 

MEREDITH
You did it, Thomas! 

THEB
Welcome home, Timothy!

 TIM
Wait... I’m home? I’m home! You got me out! 

THEB
Indeed, I did! 

EVERYONE
[clears throat]

THEB
Well… we all helped but the credit goes to Thomas Paine. 

THOMAS PAINE THEME

TIM
Oh wow. It’s great to meet you, Mr. Paine.

THOMAS PAINE
Likewise, my good sir.

TIM
Damn, Theb. You got everyone to help. Hey Merry its good to see you! Frosty, Jack, Rudolph. Krampus and Scrooge too! Ah man. This is great.

SANTA
Ho ho ho.

TIM
Oh shit, Theb! It’s Santa! Get down!

A GUNSHOT is heard followed by a THUD. 

MERREDITH
Oh my god he killed him!

TIM
Did I get him?

THEB
What are you doing?! I made a deal with Santa to help bring you back!

TIM
But he tried to kill me last time he was here!

KRAMPUS
Also, Santa technically didn’t help bring Tim back. That was all Thomas. His deal is basically void.

THEB
Oh yeah, good point. Where did you even get a gun, Timothy.

TIM
Oh right. When I disappeared, I ended up back in the Void of Time. 

  

TIM
It felt like I was in their 50 years and 5 minutes at the same time. If someone had left the remote from the movie Click in the Void of Time, I probably could have gotten out!

THEB
Ooooo. Sorry about that. I’ll make it up to you with a pizza. Frosty - order Brooklyn Pie Company on one of the food apps. Anyways, you were saying about the gun?

TIM
Well, when I realized where I was, I remembered you told me there were a ton of guns everywhere. Sure enough, I immediately tripped over one of the hundreds of Smith and Wessons scattered on the ground. Serious lack of gun safety in the void of time. That Matrix staging area gun room is way more organized.  

THEB
Agreed. The old gods have really let the Void go to shit. 

TIM
Right. Well, at any rate, I’m glad I grabbed a gun. That place is infested with Time Bears.

THEB
Time bears?

TIM
That’s what I called them at least. Terrifying glowing 3 foot tall bears that sing showtunes. The glowing part I understood and the smallness added to , ya know, the creepy factor, but not really sure why they sang. 

THEB
Ohhhh I know what you’re talking about. They sing to lure people to their deaths. I can’t actually remember what they’re called.

SANTA
They're called Soul Decapitaters.

MEREDITH
He’s alive!

SANTA
 Oh course, I’m alive. The bullet only grazed me. This liberal snowflake couldn’t shoot the ground if he was looking at it. It also helps being immortal.

THEB
Indeed it does.

SANTA
Listen everyone. I want to apologize. Seeing everyone come together to save a mediocre white man at Christmas…

TIM
Hey!

MEREDITH
I mean…

TIM
Yeah alright. 
 
SANTA [cont’d]
…gave me a new outlook on life and has filled me with the Christmas Spirit! I lost it for years. Making millions of dollars in toys, giving into greed to make even more money, going to lavish coke fueled toy executive parties. It got to the point where the coke was the only snow I ever saw. But tonight has changed me. Meredith?

MEREDITH
Yes, Santa?

SANTA
I know I don’t deserve to come back to the North Pole. And frankly, I don’t expect you to let me come back. I’ll admit, through communism, you’ve done amazing things with North Pole Operations. I routinely found myself both jealous and proud of the work you are doing. But, if you can find it in your heart to have me back, I would love to come help. 

MEREDITH
I don’t know if I can trust you. What would you even want to do?

SANTA
Well, to be honest, I miss making toys. Maybe I could start on the toy line while on my journey to build back the trust I broke.

MEREDITH
Hmmmm. What does everyone think? Scrooge? Scrooge? 

SCROOGE
[Snores]

MEREDITH
Ah he fell asleep. Then I guess let’s start with Thomas Paine.

THOMAS PAINE THEME

THOMAS PAINE
If his heart is true, then why not forgive. What about you, my furry friend?

KRAMPUS
I vote ‘forgiveness’ as long as his red little bottom gets a good spanking. 

EVERYONE
Ew. God. Jeez.

THEB
Krampus! We talked about this.

MEREDITH
What about you, Frosty?

FROSTY
I’m dying. 

THEB
Yes, but what’s your vote. 

FROSTY
I vote for whatever gets me back to the snow.  

RUDOLPH
HONK!

MEREDITH
Well that’s a yes from Rudolph..I think. Anybody seen Jack Frost?

THEB
I think he’s doing push ups into his pile of cocaine in the other room. We should probably take him to that rehab center the Easter bunny’s at when we’re done here.

MEREDITH
Good call. Well then that just leaves you two.

TIM
Why us? We’re not Christmas characters.

MEREDITH
Maybe not, but you both have still found your way into the inner-workings of Christmas the past few years. Plus, like you said, Santa tried to kill you so If any two humans deserve a vote, well…

THEB
While it may seem un-American of me, it is Christmas so I vote ‘forgiveness’. Timothy?

TIM
I mean…Listen. Ever since you tried to kill us in the War On Christmas volume 3, I jump whenever I hear sleigh bells. Mall Santas even freak me out.

SANTA
I am terribly sorry for the stress I caused. Truthfully, I only tried to poison you since you knew I killed Jeffery Epstein.

TIM
Well…yeah murder isn’t great, but it was Epstein. And I guess if the elves forgive you, then so can I.

MEREDITH
Hurray! Santa’s back!

SANTA
Thank you, everyone! I can’t wait to make toys again. Ho ho ho!

MUSIC Comes up

THEB
Well, Timothy. Another Christmas adventure on the books.

TIM
Yeah. I wish I could have been more a part of it, though.

THEB
Well, maybe next year. For now, Christmas will continue like it has for eons now that Santa’s back at the North Pole. Which reminds me, I was a little shocked you gave him a pass for killing Jeffery Epstein.

TIM
Well, yeah, it would have been great to get info out of that Son of a bitch before he died, but he was a fucking monster. Good riddance.

THEB
Yes, but you DO remember that Santa killed Epstein to COVER UP the crimes of the rich and powerful, right?

TIM
Oh my god. That’s right. Fuck.

THEB
Yup.

TIM
What do we do?

THEB
Well, I guess we hope Santa doesn’t kill again and that him working his way back into the North Pole isn’t part of some larger plan to take back control of the now stable Elvin Workers Republic of the North Pole - the first truly stable and prosperous communist government in history.

TIM
Jesus Christ. What have we done? I feel sick.

THEB
Well, just keep waving to the audience and you’ll be fine.

TIM
This is a podcast. The audience can’t see us.

THEB
Well, then just keep waving at the fireplace and slowly drift into insanity. Good night, good fight, and Merry Christmas, America!

SANTA
(OMINOUS WITH AN ECHO)
HO HO HO!

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