The Earth Is Dying! Did You Know This?! (TRANSCRIPT)

Hello, America! It’s me - Thebadias A. Stard - the embodiment of and only hope for America, as well as the host of “America! The Podcast!” on Shway Media. I am here once again to bring you my very important segment, “Did You Know This?!”

[“Did You Know This?!” theme plays]

Did you know this? Recently, and by recently, I mean back on April 21st, 2021, America celebrated Earth Day. I meant to put out a very important statement on the day itself, but I was still too high from 4/20. 

As a matter of fact, I’m still pretty high and it’s July. Whoa. I rhymed. [CLEARS THROAT] Rule of thumb, America - never eat a whole plate of cannabis brownies. Or always eat a whole plate depending on what you’re going for. 

Anyways, now for my very aforementioned very important statement. 

Did you know this? Did you know that the Earth is dying as a result of humanity’s fossil fuel and plastic pollution? Well actually, the Earth won't die, but will instead become unlivable for humanity. Something I was ok with until I found out a shocking truth! 

Did you know that America is on Earth AND filled with humans? This revelation makes me want to do something and also makes me feel a little responsible. 

I mean I did invest 100s of billions of dollars into fossil fuels over the past century. I also keep a condo on the garbage continent in the Pacific ocean. Not the one in the Atlantic. That garbage continent is for poor people. It also has a high percentage of old Blackberry chargers. Fun fact.

Irregardless, to prevent the earth from killing all of America and I guess the rest of the world, I will be investing all of my hard swindled American dollars in green energy from now on and supporting green initiatives. You should also do the same, because if you don’t...I will find you. [pause] 

To learn more on how to save the planet, i invite you to read the text of the Green New Deal. It’s real short. Like 14 pages. Go now. I’ll wait. Oh, I can’t wait. Hmm. You could also go back in time and tell your younger self to listen to Al Gore and his Inconvenient Truth. I know he’s boring, but he was on Futurama and once got so drunk on Tequila he tried to buy Twitter, so I guess it evens out.

This has been “Did You Know This?!”.

[“Did You Know This?!” theme plays]