Making Green Off Green: A Bit Of Advice (TRANSCRIPT)

THEB A. STARD  
Hello, America! It’s me - Thebadias A. Stard - AKA the embodiment of and only hope for America! I am shouting at you today in the form of my very important segment - “A Bit of Advice”. 

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["A Bit Of Advice" theme plays]

THEB A. STARD  
Today's topic: "Making green off green". To my former colleagues in the Republican Party, I have a bit of advice.  You all like money right? Of course you do! Who doesn’t? You each would bend over backwards or forwards just for a few thousand in campaign money. However, you all like to constantly complain that the economy is losing money. That may be true at times, which is why growing the economy is so important. A quick and easy way to do that would be to - drumroll please.

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[Drumroll]

THEB A. STARD  
​Legalize cannabis. That's right! It's not just for dirty hippies anymore. It turns out the sticky icky ganja can practically print money and boost the economy at the same time. In 2019 alone, the cannabis black market in California brought in almost $8.7 billion, all of which went untaxed. As for the legal market, those legal states are looking at bringing in hundreds of billions of dollars in cannabis revenue by the end of the decade.

When I heard those amazing numbers, I jumped straight into that big old green pool with fellow conservatives, former Speaker of the House, John Boenner and former Texas Governor, Rick Perry. So come on in republicans, the water is fine. You know you all secretly get lit on your own time. Looking at you Mitch McConnell. Whether you like CBD, Deltas 8, 9, or 10, or good old THC there is a dollar to be made. So go ahead legalize more than just hemp. Let's get rich together off the sticky icky and pump a ton of money into the economy. Maybe the American people will like you more so you can stop rigging elections. Point of order - I can only rigged so many elections for you. So you need to do a little legwork from now on.

As for the democrats, I politely say, "fuck you". You have the presidency and both houses. Don't just decriminalize it, legalize it, save the economy and be done with it. Or choke and fumble like you always do. This has been "A Bit Of Advice.