RAPID FIRE NEWS - AUGUST 13, 2021

These days the news can come at you as fast as it takes you to doom scroll through Facebook. Well, I am here to shout it out at you even faster. This is Rapid Fire News! 

First! 

Winner of the award for excellence in pandemic nursing home neglect, Andrew Cuomo, has resigned the governorship after the New York Attorney General released a 165 page report detailing Cuomo's history of sexual assault. President Biden himself called for Andrew Cuomo's resignation, but when asked about his own history of inappropriate touching, the president paused, smelled everybody's head in the room and promptly left. 

Next! 

The Senate has approved the bipartisan infrastructure bill in a 69 (nice) to 30 vote that included Senator and man who uses CRISPR to keep his DNA as turtley as possible, Mitch McConnell. The move comes after a new poll revealed that Americans do not like bridges collapsing while they're driving across them. 

Next! 

Florida's highest ranking scumbag, Ron Desantis, is threatening to take away the pay of educators who require students to wear masks in school. It is also being reported that the governor will be signing a bill to make puppies an enemy of the state and clean water illegal to drink. 

Next! 

UN scientists have released a code red warning in regards to climate change, citing the inevitable influx of floods and drought in the coming years. In a related story former Vice President Al Gore has just set a world record for smuggest "I told you so". 

Next! 

It was recently reported that the indoor growing of cannabis is contributing to the effects of climate change. It has also been revealed that if cannabis were legalized, it could be grown freely, outdoors instead of in secret indoor farms, thus eliminating the aforementioned climate change affects. 

Next! Employees of several corporations such as Disney, Tyson Foods and Walmart, as well as all United States military personnel will now be required to be vaccinated against COVID-19. Wait! Does this mean we found a way to get all QANON members vaccinated? I feel like that might be counterintuitive. But can't we just let the Lord do his work? No? Dammit. Caring about your fellow man is cumbersome. 

This has been Rapid Fire News! 

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