The American Revolution: Common Sense [TRANSCRIPT]

ANNOUNCER  
This episode of America podcast is brought to you by real American universal health care.   Hey there friend! You look, well… really sick and oh.   [Vomit sound]  You’re just gunna throw up on my feet, huh? You should probably go to the hospital.  What’s that you say? You can’t go to the hospital because you don’t have insurance?  You say that your one medical bill away from losing your home and are prioritizing your family over your health just like so many Americans do every day?  Well have I got a solution for you!  Introducing real American Universal Health Care!  Real American Universal health care is like all of those go fund me for sick friends you donate to except at a national level!  How do you pay for such an amazing thing you are absolutely asking? Well it’s simple! With Real American Universal Health Care, wealthy Americans would receive a small tax on their millions and billions, which they would barely notice. The resulting tax revenue would then pay for the health care of every adult and child in America, thus promoting a healthy, functional society. That means you and your loved ones would no longer risk going into poverty if any of you get sick or injured and would even see your tax bill lowered.  What’s that you say? You may become a billionaire someday so you don’t want people like them to get taxed because of the razor thin chance that you may join their affluent ranks? Well aren’t you stupid.   Well to the rest of the people who live in reality and would rather see every child and adult in America have the right to health care, please tell your senators and representatives that you want them to adopt Real American Universal Health Care for your country. All of your descendants will thank you for it.  That’s real American Universal Health Care. Available wherever freedom is sold. 

THEB A. STARD  
[A!TP MUSIC COMES UP]

TIM  
So are you going to get back in the dating game now that everyone’s getting vaccinated? Dating safely of course. 

THEB A. STARD  
Since I am immortal I am at no risk. I only received the vaccine to set a good example. But yes, I am attempting to woo a woman or man to court. I’m on all of the apps - Bumble, Rya - the one for famous people, uh Billionaire Booty Call, which is an app for .01% people like myself, but there’s also only like 8 people on the app so that one was kind of a wash. I also tried Hinge but all of my friends are either dead, ethereal, a combination of both, or simply just don’t like me. 

TIM  
Awe, why don't you think they don't like you? 

THEB A. STARD  
Probably because I’m richer than all of them combined and constantly bring it up. I always thought people liked to hear about my insane wealth, but alas, inspiring tales of the ridiculously rich aren’t as in demand as they once were. 

TIM  
Yeah, people usually don’t like it when a person brings up how rich…  

THEB A. STARD  
[cutting TIM off] Yes, between my offensively massive land holdings, my many investments in literally every industry, lobbying for any company with a checkbook, and all of my general gentlemen thievery, I’ve amassed quite the fortune over the past 250 plus years. 

TIM  
The hell's a gentleman thief? 

THEB A. STARD  
Gentleman thievery is when a rich person gets bored and steals things. It’s loads of fun and I look really cool doing it because I get to wear a suit. Much like how Ben Franklin was a Gentleman scientist who stole knowledge from the gods to benefit mankind, I stole from rich people like myself to benefit, well, myself. I stole things like art, rare artifacts, general treasure - rubies, diamonds, and the sort. I even stole an Island once but the people of Puerto Rico made me give it back. Easiest hanging I’ve ever talked my way out of. I’m like Thomas Crown, except better, because I’m an American. Alas, I don’t really have time to steal physical things anymore, just elections as well as the hearts of my listeners. 

TIM  
God damn, how are you not in jail? 

THEB A. STARD  
Money, power and good old fashioned luck. I'm also arguably the smartest person in the world. Wouldn't you agree? 

TIM  
I would not agree because that's nowhere close to true. 

THEB A. STARD  
You say that. But as they say, with age comes intelligence.

TIM  
That may be true for some but whoever they are, I would ask them to reevaluate our geriatric leaders in both politics and business as proof that their statement is categorically false in the majority of cases.

THEB A. STARD  
Well, wasn't that a big long winded sentence? Are you proud of that Mr. Smarty pants? 

TIM  
Yes, I am. 

THEB A. STARD  
Well you’re wrong. How do I know you’re wrong? Because I am always right. So much so I single handedly created two of the most important documents in American History and these next two episodes will prove it!

TIM  
How? 

THEB A. STARD  
Well Sir Pants of Smart, I invite you to FIND OUT TONIGHT on “AMERICA! THE PODCAST”

MUSIC  
{"AMERICA! THE PODCAST" THEME PLAYS]

TIM  
So what are the two most important documents in American history? 

THEB A. STARD  
Well, that is a matter of opinion. Seeing that my opinion is the only one that matters, I would say one document is the Declaration Of Independence, which I will speak about in the next episode. The other is the legendary Common Sense - the pamphlet that sparked revolution in the hearts of the colonial masses. 

TIM  
Yeah, you mentioned that in the last episode. True story - the history teacher at my Christian school, Harvest Christian Academy told me Ben Franklin wrote Common Sense. Which I learned much later wasn’t true.

THEB A. STARD  
Ha! That’s Christian School Education for you - dinosaurs weren’t real and Moses and Jesus were founding fathers of America. Real Betsy DeVoss energy there. As a Founding Father myself, I can tell you that neither biblical character was present at the founding of our nation and I would hope I would not have to clarify that at this point. Goddamn Texas education system.

TIM  
[LAUGHS]For sure. But I did learn actual history later on and I’m pretty sure Common Sense was written by Thomas… 

THEB A. STARD  
Don't say his name! 

TIM  
Why not? 

THEB A. STARD  
Just trust me. All right? 

THEB A. STARD  
How the hell are you going to tell the story of Common Sense without saying the name Thomas Pain?

MUSIC  
[THOMAS PAINE THEME]

TIM  
What the hell was that? 

THEB A. STARD  
Ugh. It's his theme song. If you are a magical being like myself or have been in the presence of a magical being on a regular basis, that song can be heard in the ether of the Universe whenever you say Tom’s full name.

TIM  
Wait, why does Thomas Paine...

MUSIC  
[THOMAS PAINE THEME]

THEB A. STARD  
By the demons of hell! 

TIM  
Sorry! Why does he have a theme song? 

THEB A. STARD  
No one knows. It started shortly after…well I’ll get to that later. My guess is that since the old and new gods made me the embodiment of America, they threw Tom a bone since he ended up getting such a raw deal after his fame dwindled. 

TIM  
What do you mean?

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[YANKEE DOODLE PLAYS] [THE TOWN AND A CARRIAGE IS HEARD]

THEB A. STARD  
Our story begins in Philadelphia in December 1775. If you’re wondering, yes, I had been in town for the Second Continental Congress back in May of 75 and no I won’t be covering it. Remember - loud, sweaty white men yelling at each other. Not that interesting or pleasant to hear. 

TIM  
But people may want to hear it regardless. 

THEB A. STARD  
Then I will tell short tales of the parts I am glossing over or outright skipping after this very important season of “America! The Podcast” has concluded. Will that work?

TIM  
 Sounds good to me. And I hope for the audience. 

THEB A. STARD  
Oh it sounds good to them and will continue to sound good for all eternity. Eternity being how long the great American Empire will last. May I continue?

TIM  
I’m gunna go ahead and guess we don’t have a choice in the matter.

THEB A. STARD  
You do not. As I was shouting, it was December 1775 and I was in town after being invited by Ben Franklin to come stay with him for a couple weeks. Partially for revolution business, but mostly because Ben wanted me to join him while he went - in his words - whoring. 

TIM  
Dude, don't say that. 

THEB A. STARD  
Hey, I’m with you. I don’t like that term either. Remember America, sex work is work and should be legalized, taxed, and regulated. But yes, that is what Ben called it and you told me at the end of the last episode you wanted this to be as historically accurate as possible. So which is it? 

TIM  
[SIGH] Fine. Just use it sparingly. 

THEB A. STARD  
Will do, Buckaroo. 

TIM  
Will do, Buckaroo? 

TIM  
As I was shouting, I had arrived early in the day to grab a beer and a cheese steak, which was mostly just beef with melted cheese on it since that sweet sweet Cheez Wiz hadn’t been invented yet. Yes, it was indeed a dark time until the advent of said Wiz. After eating, I had my driver take me to Ben’s print shop so that we could begin our fortnight of fornication.

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[KNOCK AND DOOR OPEN]

THEB IN THE PAST  
Benjamin! It has been too long. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
Come in, Thebadias! It is good to see you my friend.

THEB IN THE PAST  
How have you been, my good sir?

BEN FRANKLIN  
I have been well. The gout is acting up now and again. I’ve mostly been tinkering with and pondering the future of the colonies. How have you been, sir? 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Oh mostly the same, minus the gout. Making money where I see the opportunity and preparing both mentally and fiscally for what I fear may be an inevitable and long war with England. These bloody backs further frustrate the populace with each passing day and, after last year's skirmish at Lexington and Concord, I’m afraid independence from Goddamn King George may be our people’s only option. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
I fear the same, considering how the last congressional meeting went. But, sadly, I am unsure if all colonies are with us in the matter of independence. Mr. Jefferson being on our side may help but only time and patience can tell. If only someone could holistically sum up the frustrations of our people.

THEB IN THE PAST  
Indeed. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
May offer you some wooder? 

THEB IN THE PAST  
No thank you. However, I would like to stop at a pub for some drinks and to continue our discussion. I have many ideas that I would like your opinion on, especially in regards to the logic of independence. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
 I would very much like to hear them my friend. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Wonderful. Let's enjoy an evening of liberty and libations before our holiday of whoring.

TIM  
 Dude, I thought you didn't like using that outdated word. 

THEB A. STARD  
I don’t now. People change, Timothy. Besides, it may be out of date at this point, but it was in date in 1775.

TIM  
There were a lot of words in date back then.

THEB A. STARD  
And I can honestly say I used less than a third of them. Not the racist ones at least. 

TIM  
Well, I guess if you have to set the bar somewhere. 

THEB A. STARD  
Oh son, the bar has been lower than the grand canyon since the day the Mayflower landed. In fact, the literal bar is actually located under the grand canyon and is guarded by GC-98 - a secret government organization dedicated to keeping that secret…and yeah. I am realizing I should not be mentioning them so I will stop talking about GC-98 at the end of this sentence.

TIM  
Dude, am I gonna get arrested for you saying shit like this? 

THEB A. STARD  
Oh, no, I like you way too much and promised to protect you. 

TIM  
You once told me your promises were worth as much as a Delaware Dollar...what ever that means. 

THEB A. STARD  
I said that? 

TIM  
Yeah, you did. 

THEB A. STARD  
Hmm. Interesting. Well, then. Ben and I arrived at the pub and began our eve of indulgence. Unbeknownst to me, a master thief was lying in wait.

TIM  
You mean… wait let me cover my ears. 

THEB A. STARD  
Yes, none other than Thomas Paine!

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[THOMAS PAINE THME] 

THEB A. STARD  
But! You’ll have to wait to hear what happens after a brief commercial break. Thomas may have not made money off Common Sense, but I will do everything I can to make money off of you, the listener, so help me America. We’ll be right back, after this. 

MUSIC  
{"AMERICA! THE PODCAST" THEME PLAYS]

ANNOUNCER  
"America! The Podcast" is brought to you by Science! Science: Now available in two varieties - actual fact or society dismantling fiction

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[DEAD PODCAST AD SPACE AND THE "AMERICA! THE PODCAST" THEME PLAYS] [PUB SOUNDS COME UP]

THEB A. STARD  
And we’re back. As I was shouting, Ben and I arrived at the pub, where a certain thief had been waiting for his next mark. 

TIM  
Is that him over there? 

THEB A. STARD  
Indeed. dark shadowy figure in the corner. Look at him. Toiling away on his piece of parchment, drinking his beverage like he owns the place. 

TIM  
 I think he's just chilling, dude. 

THEB A. STARD  
Chilling before the moment he strikes like a viper, you mean. 

TIM  
 I'm still having a hard time figuring out what happened here. 

THEB A. STARD  
Keep your eye on Tom while my 1775 counterpart begins speaking with Ben.

TIM  
Where are you? 

THEB A. STARD  
Oh, we're entering... now

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[DOOR OPENS]

THEB IN THE PAST  
Bar keep! A round of drinks for every man here! In the name of liberty, tonight’s drinks are all on me, Thebadias A Stard!

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[BEER POURS AND CROWD CHEERS]

BEN FRANKLIN  
Mighty generous of you, Thebadias. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
What can I say, old friend? Being around my American brothers and sisters in the City Of Brotherly Love, a city that is a cornerstone of our revolution, well, it just fills me with joy and patriotism. It is still lost on me as to why the majority of our brethren are so hesitant to join the cause.

BEN FRANKLIN  
 Our people will need time my friend. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
That may be true but I get the feeling in the pits of my soul that time may be running out. The need for action may be at hand.  

BEN FRANKLIN  
Do elaborate, sir. I feel as if you have something very important on your mind. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
Well, my friend. Several issues have been weighing on my soul. One moment. Bar keep! Another for yours truly and keep them coming. 

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[CHUGS BEER] 

BEN FRANKLIN  
You were saying? 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Well, Benjamin, where should I begin? Take the concept of society and government as a whole seeing we may form a new one potentially. Society is produced by our wants, and government by our wickedness; the former promotes our happiness positively by uniting our affections, the latter negatively by restraining our vices. The one encourages intercourse, the other creates distinctions. The first a patron, the last a punisher.

BEN FRANKLIN  
I do see your point, my friend, but do you think you may be jaded in this thought?

THEB IN THE PAST  
Not at all! Do not get me wrong, my friend. Society in every state is a blessing, but government even in its best state is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one; for when we suffer, or are exposed to the same miseries by a government, which we might expect in a country without government, our calamity is heightened by reflecting that we furnish the means by which we suffer.  

BEN FRANKLIN  
That is all indeed true, but a government is needed nonetheless, my friend. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Oh I concur. Here then is the origin and rise of government; namely, a mode rendered necessary by the inability of moral virtue to govern the world. Here too is the design and end of government, namely, freedom and security. And however our eyes may be dazzled with show, or our ears deceived by sound; however prejudice may warp our wills, or interest darken our understanding, the simple voice of nature and of reason will say, it is right.   Take our English constitution as well. Some writers have explained the English constitution thus - the king, say they, is one, the people another; the peers are a house in behalf of the king; the commons in behalf of the people; but this hath all the distinctions of a house divided against itself. Though the expressions are pleasantly arranged, yet when examined they appear idle and ambiguous. It will always happen, that the nicest construction that words are capable of, when applied to the description of something which either cannot exist, or is too incomprehensible to be within the compass of description, will be words of sound only. And though they may amuse the ear, they cannot inform the mind. This explanation includes a previous question - How came the king by a power which the people are afraid to trust, and always obliged to check? Such a power could not be the gift of a wise people, neither can any power, which needs checking, be from God. Yet the provision, which the constitution makes, supposes such a power to exist. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
and in your opinion, King George or rather, any man in creation, is not ordained by God and the citizens are ignorant of that fact.

THEB IN THE PAST  
Precisely. This system of monarchy and it’s constitution are flawed at the core. As a man, who is attached to a prostitute, is unfitted to choose or judge a wife, so any prepossession in favour of a rotten constitution of government will disable us from discerning a good one.

TIM  
Huh. A lot of what you just said is the actual text of Common Sense. 

THEB A. STARD  
I told you! And you can see Thomas over there writing down every damn word. I go on for quite a while and progressively get more drunk so let's fast forward a bit. 

TIM  
How do we do that? 

THEB A. STARD  
Just gotta go to the Void of Time for a second.

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[SPACEY SOUND] [TIM AND THEB'S VOICES ECHO]

TIM  
Oh my god, where are we?

THEB A. STARD  
The Void of Time. It's kinda like that staging area gun room thing in the Matrix, except with more guns. 

TIM  
This is weird. 

TIM  
Don’t worry, just gotta find the remote that the movie “Click” was based off of and fast forward the story. [RUSTLING] Ah! Found it. Here we go. 

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[SPACEY SOUND] [FAST FORWARD SOUND. 

THEB A. STARD  
See? Jesus I talked for a while. People even started gathering around me to listen. Not Thomas. The little troll. Just sat there in the corner, scribbling my words. Let's stop here and hear what I’m shouting.

TIM  
That made me dizzy. 

THEB A. STARD  
Well, sit back and listen. My voice is usually calming to the nerves.

TIM  
Riiiiight. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
But there is another and greater distinction for which no truly natural or religious reason can be assigned, and that is, the distinction of men into kings and subjects. Male and female are the distinctions of nature, good and bad the distinctions of heaven; but how a race of men came into the world so exalted above the rest, and distinguished like some new species, is worth enquiring into, and whether they are the means of happiness or of misery to mankind. In the early ages of the world, according to the scripture chronology, there were no kings; the consequence of which was there were no wars; it is the pride of kings which throw mankind into confusion.

BAR PATRON #1  
What country lives with no king? 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Holland to name one! Without a king, they hath enjoyed more peace for this last century than any of the monarchical governments in Europe. Antiquity favors the same remark; for the quiet and rural lives of the first patriarchs hath a happy something in them, which vanishes away when we come to the history of Jewish royalty. Government by kings was first introduced into the world by the Heathens, from whom the children of Israel copied the custom. It was the most prosperous invention the Devil ever set on foot for the promotion of idolatry. The Heathens paid divine honors to their deceased kings, and the christian world hath improved on the plan by doing the same to their living ones. How impious is the title of sacred majesty applied to a worm, who in the midst of his splendor is crumbling into dust! As exalting one man so greatly above the rest cannot be justified on the equal rights of nature, so neither can it be defended on the authority of scripture; for the will of the Almighty, as declared by Gideon and the prophet Samuel, expressly disapproves of government by kings. 

TIM  
Should be passed forward again? This is getting long. 

THEB A. STARD  
Indeed.

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[FAST FORWARD SOUND] 

THEB IN THE PAST  
And what about the hereditary success of our divine rulers? Monarchy in every instance is the Popery of government. To the evil of monarchy, we have added that of hereditary succession; and as the first is a degradation and lessening of ourselves, so the second, claimed as a matter of right, is an insult and an imposition on posterity. For all men being originally equals, no one by birth could have a right to set up his own family in perpetual preference to all others forever. Though one might deserve some decent degree of honors from his contemporaries, his descendants might be far too unworthy to inherit them. [PEOPLE CHEER]

BEN FRANKLIN  
It seems you have the ear of our friends, Mr Stard.

THEB IN THE PAST  
I would hope as much! And not just friends, let them be known as a new generation without a king. They shall be an electorate! It is needless to spend much time in exposing the folly of hereditary right; if there are any so weak as to believe it, let them do so. I shall neither copy their humility, nor disturb their devotion. Yet I should be glad to ask how they suppose kings came at first? The question admits but of three answers - either by lot, by election, or by usurpation. Saul was by lot, yet the succession was not hereditary, neither does it appear from that transaction there was any intention it ever should. If the first king of any country was by election, that likewise establishes a precedent for the next. 

TIM  
Can I try the remote? 

THEB A. STARD  
Of course, just don't hit chapter select. Otherwise, we might get to the Civil War a season early.

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[FAST FORWARD SOUND] 

TIM  
Whoa this is fun. Can I borrow this for a while?

THEB A. STARD  
Eh, the last time I let someone borrow it, they ended up causing the bay of pigs.

TIM  
Kennedy? 

THEB A. STARD  
Kennedy, yes. Jack was just so charming I couldn’t say no. Oh, stop here. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
But what of America herself? 

THEB IN THE PAST  
I have heard it asserted by some, that as America hath flourished under her former connexion with Great-Britain, that the same connexion is necessary towards her future happiness, and will always have the same effect. Nothing can be more fallacious than this kind of argument. We may as well assert that because a child has thrived upon milk, that it is never to have meat, or that the first twenty years of our lives is to become a precedent for the next twenty. But even this is admitting more than is true, for I answer roundly, that America would have flourished as much, and probably much more, had no European power had any thing to do with her. The commerce, by which she hath enriched herself are the necessaries of life, and will always have a market while eating is the custom of Europe. But she has protected us, say some. That she has engrossed us is true, and defended the continent at our expense as well as her own is admitted, and she would have defended Turkey from the same motive, namely the sake of trade and dominion. Alas, we have been long led away by ancient prejudices, and made large sacrifices to superstition. We have boasted the protection of Great-Britain, without considering, that her motive was interest not attachment; that she did not protect us from our enemies on our account, but from her enemies on her own account, from those who had no quarrel with us on any other account, and who will always be our enemies on the same account. 

BAR PATRON #2  
But are we not English as well as American?

THEB IN THE PAST  
What does admitting we are of English decent amount to? Nothing. Britain, being now an open enemy, extinguishes every other name and title: And to say that reconciliation is our duty, is truly farcical. The next war may not turn out like the last, and it should not. The advocates for reconciliation now will be wishing for separation then, because, neutrality in that case, would be a safer convoy than a man of war. Everything that is right or natural pleads for separation. The blood of the slain, the weeping voice of nature cries, ’Tis time to part.

BAR PATRON #3  
But what of those who truly wish to reconcile with England? 

THEB IN THE PAST  
I would carefully avoid giving unnecessary offence, yet I am inclined to believe that all those who espouse the doctrine of reconciliation, may be included within the following descriptions. Interested men, who are not to be trusted; weak men, who cannot see; prejudiced men, who will not see; and a certain set of moderate men, who think better of the European world than it deserves; and this last class, by an ill-judged deliberation, will be the cause of more calamities to this continent, than all the other three. Reconciliation is now a fallacious dream. Nature hath deserted the connexion, and Art cannot supply her place. For, as Milton wisely expresses, “never can true reconcilement grow where wounds of deadly hate have pierced so deep.” My friends, no man was a warmer wisher for reconciliation than myself, before the fatal nineteenth of April 1775, but the moment the event of that day was made known, I rejected the hardened, sullen tempered Pharaoh of England for ever. I disdain the wretch, that with the pretended title of father of his people can unfeelingly hear of their slaughter, and composedly sleep with their blood upon his soul. 

BEN FRANKLIN  
You make valid points, Thebadias. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
But of course! Can ye give to prostiution its former innocence? No? Then neither can ye reconcile Britain and America.

BEN FRANKLIN  
I fear you might be right. If only the people could think as you do. Maybe you should write these thoughts down? I see my friend over there has been scribbling away since you’ve been speaking.

THEB IN THE PAST  
Eh, let him write his books. I would rather speak directly with the people. But maybe tomorrow. Shall we head to our evening of entertainment, Benjamin? 

BEN FRANKLIN  
After you, good sir. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Who is that friend of yours anyway? He looks familiar.  

BEN FRANKLIN  
BEN FRANKLIN He’s a like minded fellow I’ve come to know. Goes by the name of Thomas Pain. 

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[THOMAS PAINE THEME]

TIM  
What happened after that? 

THEB A. STARD  
Well, Ben and I went off to go fornicate. As for Tom, he had written down everything I said verbatim and formatted it into a pamphlet. He then brought it to Ben Franklin a few weeks later after I had returned to Boston - no doubt to avoid my wrath. Upon receiving it, Ben then printed the pamphlet, but, at the request of Mr Pain, did so anonymously, at least at first. To make matters worse, in my eyes at least, Thomas also didn’t charge any money for the writing itself. Just gave it away like some revolutionary Dr. Jonas Salk. 

TIM  
Ah, so that's why you're mad. 

THEB A. STARD  
You mean aside from the fact he wrote down everything I said? Of course it's why I’m mad! He used my very important quotes and didn’t make a dime off of them, meaning I didn’t make a single dime either. He was a god damn thief! Common Sense went on to become one of the most largely circulated writings in history. He didn’t plagiarize everything from me though. Tom also put out several more pamphlets, including the American Crisis shortly after Common Sense, Rights of Man, which Napoleon slept with under his pillow -true story, and then his book arguing for religious freedom, The Age Of Reason. Just 6 hours after writing that last one, Thomas was arrested and taken to the Luxembourg prison during the French Revolution. 

TIM  
 Damn, did he get guillotined? 

THEB A. STARD  
[LAUGHS] No no. The man who had him arrested was actually guillotined instead shortly after Tom’s arrest. Thomas sat in the prison for a while, mostly because I was pissed at him for stealing my words and I had convinced President Washington to leave him there for quote un quote political reasons. 

TIM  
Dude, that's fucked up. 

THEB A. STARD  
He was fine. James Monroe got him out eventually and brought him back to America on one of our new warships. He went on to live many more years trying to make the country and world a better place, including urging President Jefferson to form an association of nations.

TIM  
Oh, like the United Nations?

THEB A. STARD  
Precisely. Obviously that did not pan out and arguably still has not done so. 

THEB A. STARD  
Right. So what did you do exactly in response to Thomas Paine...

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[THOMAS PAINE THEME] 

TIM  
Sorry! What did you do in response to him, quote, unquote, robbing you? I mean, aside from convincing president Washington to leave him in a French prison during the revolution, which again, pretty messed up, dude. 

THEB A. STARD  
That was nothing. I’ve made sure people went down for much less than what Thomas did. A man named James Calendar once started a rumor that Ben Franklin and I were British spies and I...well, you and the listeners can just google James Calendar and draw your own conclusions. As for Thomas, let me regale you with one small caveat to the life of a man who started as a dressmaker in England and would go on to write three of the four greatest pieces of philosophy in American history only after plagiarizing one of the four pieces from a drunk bastard in a bar.  Although the American people grew to despise him for writing the Age Of Reason, Thomas died on June 8, 1809 with quiet dignity at his home in New Rochelle, New York. His funeral was attended by just six individuals. 

TIM  
Did you go? 

THEB A. STARD  
Unfortunately no. I was in Washington at the time serving as an advisor to President James Madison and didn’t find out Tom died until several months after. Some years later, a man named William Corbett felt Tom hadn’t received the honor he rightly deserved, so he stole Tom’s bones in the dead of night and brought them to England. Once there he hoped to have Tom buried in a magnificent mausoleum, but instead was met with jokes and ridicule for the idea. He then tried to organize a dinner in Tom’s honor but no one wanted to come, mostly because he was serving british food. After that, William got real goddamn weird and tried to sell locks of Tom's hair that had been pressed into metal rings, which no one bought. Not even me and I pretty much buy everything. After William died, his son inherited the bones and attempted to auction them off, but was thwarted by the Lord Chancellor in England. After that, no one really knows what happened to the bones. There's a rumor that William’s son sold them off piece by piece, but we can’t take rumors seriously, right? 

THEB A. STARD  
Right???

TIM  
You know where they are, don't you? 

THEB A. STARD  
Maaaaybeeee...

TIM  
Oh boy. I’m scared to ask but...where are they? 

THEB A. STARD  
Right here! [A BOX HITS THE COUNTER] 

TIM  
Oh, my God. 

THEB A. STARD  
[LAUGHS] I told you I’d get you in the end, Thomas. Well actually, I never confronted him about his plagiarism so he never really knew I was upset. I just bottled up the anger I felt like a true red white and blue blooded American until it manifested decades later at the Battle of Antietam where I used said anger to personally kill 200 confederate soldiers.

TIM  
That's...actually kinda awesome. Fuck the confederacy. But not the point. You keep Tom’s bones under your studio desk?  

THEB A. STARD  
Where else would I keep them? 

TIM  
In the ground at his house in New York! 

THEB A. STARD  
Eh, they’re safer here with me. Don’t want any of William Corbetts descendants grave robbing the man who helped light the fire of Revolution in the hearts of the colonies.

TIM  
They smell really bad, man. 

THEB A. STARD  
Well, they're bones. 

TIM  
How did you get them? 

THEB A. STARD  
Ah right. When William’s son wasn’t able to auction them off, I heard through certain channels that he was still looking for someone to buy them off the books, so I sent my secretary to England with a bag of gold and he came back with this box of Tom’s bones. But yes, it looks like they're all here. However, I do give each president a metatarsal as an inauguration gift. When I gave Trump his, he ate it like an M&M. Almost choked on it.

TIM  
Wow this is...I don’t know what to do with this.

THEB A. STARD  
You want to hold the femur? 

THEB A. STARD  
No, man. You gotta get it outta here. All of the bones. If you can’t bury them at Tom‘s house go bury them at one of your estates or something. 

THEB A. STARD  
THEB That sounds like a good idea. The “visiting one of my estates” part. The bones are staying here. They can be a mascot for the show.  

TIM  
No! 

THEB A. STARD  
Well, then just put the bones back under the desk until I get back from my vacation. I think I’ll go to my new island.

TIM  
And where's it at? 

THEB A. STARD  
Ah. Well, I actually just bought Grand Cayman Island so now I also own all of the hedge funds that headquarter their businesses on the island itself. Me and the army of dolphins I plan on buying will be literally swimming in money before too long. That said, I will be in your ears again for the mini-episode next week and episode 5 the week after that. Stay safe and get vaccinated, America. Good night, good fight, and may all of the gods bless the one and only, Thomas Pain.

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[THOMAS PAINE THEME] [THE "AMERICA! THE PODCAST" THEME PLAYS AFTER]

THEB A. STARD  
This has been America! The Podcast hosted by me, Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment and only hope for America. Tim is also there.   You can catch my very important show every week on Itunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Shway Media or wherever you get your podcasts. Go ahead give us a five star review on one of those fancy apps while you’re at it. I command it.   You can also hear the show and access more content at America the podcast dot com.   And don’t forget to watch Rapid Fire News and other segments on TikTok and Instagram at america the podcast. You can also find us on Facebook and twitter if you're into that sort of a thing.   Now to contractually credit the people who help make this show possible.  America! The Podcast is a Shway Media Media Original Podcast.  Writers for the show include Thebadias A Stard, Tim Phillippe, Alanah Matos, and Michael Sisemore.   Since the space time continuum doesn’t allow for the recording of audio or something dumn like that, I don’t know, the voice of Ben Franklin was provided by Michael Sisemore The mid show commercial was read by Alanah Matos. My voice is my own and I allow Tim to speak when it suits me.   The Executive producers for the show are  Alanah Matos and Tim Phillippe.  Sound design is by Tim Phillippe and all dialogue is mixed in Shway Media Studios.  All research and fact checking for the show was performed by Michael Sisemore and Tim Phillippe. A full list of research sources for this season of America! The Podcast is linked in the description of each episode.   The shows theme song is by Timmy Two Step and all other supporting audio heard in the show was procured through AudioBlocks.com, Freesound.org, and Ambient-Mixer.com Oh, and I legally, for some reason, have to say that "Common Sense" was written by Thomas Paine

MUSIC/EFFECT  
[THOMAS PAINE THEME] 

THEB A. STARD  
That's it! Go on now, ya hear?

ANNOUNCER  
This has been a production of Shway Media. All rights reserved. For more information please visit ShwayMedia.com!

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