The Midnight Ride Of Paul Revere & Friends [TRANSCRIPT]

Disclaimer  
The following episode of "America! The Podcast" is based on historical events. This episode may contain descriptions of violence as well as triggering sounds like gunfire and cannon fire. Listener discretion is advised. Enjoy the show! 

MUSIC  
["Stars & Stripes Forever" by John Philip Sousa begins to play]

ANNOUNCER  
This episode of “America! The Podcast” is brought to you by the Real American Living Wage.   Hey there friend. You look glum. What’s that you say? You’re overworked and underpaid? That seems to be a running theme this season.  What’s that? You say it’s been a running theme for every season of this so-called American way of life? You say that the rich get richer while the minimum wage of 7.25 an hour hasn’t gone up in over 20 years and quite literally cannot sustain any person in a meaningful manner?  Well have I got the solution for you!  Introducing the Real American Living Wage. With the Real American Living Wage you can achieve  unbelievable feats of capitalistic strength such as -  Paying rent on time! Buying enough food for you and your family! Pay all of your utility bills without having to choose between them! And introducing our brand new feature - enjoying yourself once in awhile!  What’s that? You say your state would never approve of such a thing? Well that sounds like you may need to upgrade to the full Real American Revolution package. That’s right. Not only does the Real American Revolution Package come with a guaranteed living wage, but you won’t have to worry about those pesky politicians holding back progress any longer.  That’s theReal American Living Wage and the full Real American Revolution package upgrade available wherever freedom is sold. 

MUSIC  
[MUSIC FADES] 

ANNOUNCER  
We now joined America the podcast already in progress

MUSIC  
[A 90s-esk sitcom theme plays and studio audience cheers.]

THEB A. STARD  
My point is - I don't know as if I truly believe in life after love, but I can say for certain that I do believe in ghosts... 

THEB A. STARD  
...mostly because I’ve become friends with several spectres over the years. Not close friends mind you, but close enough to ask one of them to haunt people that piss me off. So watch your back. 

EFFECT  
[LAUGH TRACK] 

TIM  
Right on man. That was weird. You’re a weird guy.

THEB A. STARD  
Thank you. 

TIM  
So what have you been up to the past couple weeks? 

THEB A. STARD  
I went clubbing in Antarctica. 

TIM  
Like some billionaire pop up club or something? 

THEB A. STARD  
No, but I like where your head’s at. Definitely going to invest in something similar. No, this was a...different kind of clubbing. 

TIM  
Different kind of...oh no. Dude you didn’t go hunt seals again did you?! 

THEB A. STARD  
No no. We weren’t hunting them this time. We were protecting a waddle of penguins and their eggs. 

TIM  
Oh. Well I guess...I mean that’s messing with nature, but at least the penguins are okay? 

THEB A. STARD  
As are their eggs. If those damned seals had gotten to them, it could have completely killed the harvest. 

TIM  
Harvest? 

THEB A. STARD  
Oh yes! Penguin eggs make fantastic omelettes. Oh! We should serve them at that pop up club in Antarctica before it melts in 10 years. Make it be a brunch thing!

TIM  
Wait. Antarctica’ll be gone in 10 years? 

THEB A. STARD  
Yes, so I would get a boat if I were you. I’ll sell you one of my yachts at a discount.

TIM  
Gee, thanks. 

THEB A. STARD  
You are welcome. Irregardless of the inevitable world wide flood that will likely kill every soul on the planet, It will be nice to visit the pyramids under Antarctica without taking the secret elevator. 

TIM  
Wow, that is just too much to unpack. 

THEB A. STARD  
That’s probably for the best. I keep getting in trouble for letting out secrets like that. Instead, I believe we should get to our next story. I even brought notes.

TIM  
Wow. Honestly kind of shocked you prepared.

THEB A. STARD  
Right? I have no idea what came over me. Maybe it was nostalgia or maybe it was just gas from all of the pickled jalapenos I ate earlier. Irregardless, I’m ready to fart out another tale from my past - Tonight on AMERICA! Th…  

TIM  
Aren’t you gunna ask what I’ve been doing?

THEB A. STARD  
What the fff...Jesus Christ. You completely killed my momentum. Under the right circumstances you could have died from doing such a thing. [exasperated]  Fine. What have you been doing? 

TIM  
Ah, let's see. Let me think. 

THEB A. STARD  
Oh my christ, you don’t have something already? 

TIM  
Well, I finally watched all of Attack on Titan.

THEB A. STARD  
God dammit. Seriously? You stopped my groove to tell me about a TV show?

TIM  
I mean, it's pretty good. 

THEB A. STARD  
No way is that show good enough to warrant an interruption of my very important voice when I am saying my very important things. 

TIM  
I mean, yeah, dude. It's THAT good. 

THEB A. STARD  
Wait, seriously, it's THAT good? 

TIM  
Yeah, it's incredible. 

THEB A. STARD  
Well then. I must watch every single episode and I will do so while my theme song plays, TONIGHT on AMERICA! The podcast!

MUSIC  
["AMERICA! THE PODCAST" THEME PLAYS]

TIM  
So what did you think? 

THEB A. STARD  
Totally worth it. Easily the greatest thing ever produced in America, second only to my greatest of shows - America! The Podcast.   

TIM  
But it's from Japan... 

THEB A. STARD  
But they spoke American... 

TIM  
Ok wow.  For One - The show is recorded in Japanese and then dubbed english. Two - the language is called “English”, not “American”. And Three, multiple countries speak multiple languages, including America. 

THEB A. STARD  
Fascinating but probably wrong because I didn’t say it. Irregardless, I’ll be damned if I have to wait until Winter 2022 for the last half of season four. I must know what happens to Erin Jaeger. 

TIM  
Oof. Yeah, that wait's it's gonna suck bad. 

THEB A. STARD  
Indeed.

TIM  
So, you ready to start the new episode? 

THEB A. STARD  
Double indeed! 

TIM  
Okay, what are we doing today? 

THEB A. STARD  
This week I will be regaling you commoners with the story of how I saved John Hancock’s fish dinner. I also warned the towns of Lexington and Concord about an impending attack, but the fish were the most important part, at least to John.  

TIM  
Why was it so important? 

THEB A. STARD  
It was reeeeally good salmon. As good as Attack on Titan is awesome. Our story begins at the first continental Congress and...actually, you know what? This part is boring.

TIM  
But it’s a major historical event. 

THEB A. STARD  
And I had nothing to do there but take notes. I would have been a representative, but John Adams beat me to it. The entire event was 56 sweaty men yelling at each other and not agreeing on a thing. The only thing the podcast listener would hear is a bunch of shouting and the word “liberty” now and again. If you want to see a decent representation of the first continental congress, just go watch John Adams on HBO starring actor and fellow Skull and Bonesman, Paul Giamatti. 

TIM  
Woah what? Paul Giamatti’s in the Skull and Bones? Crazy! 

THEB A. STARD  
Yes, he is and that’s all I can say about that. Paul knows way too many of my deep dark secrets. 

TIM  
Like what? 

THEB A. STARD  
THEB Well like the time I….aha. You almost got me. Touché, Timothy. But enough about my secret affair with John Quincey Adams. I’d rather talk about John Hancock and his fish. 

TIM  
Wait. What? 

THEB A. STARD  
John Hancock’s fish. Clean out your ears. 

TIM  
That's not... just tell the story.

MUSIC  


EFFECT  
[THE SOUNDS OF THE TOWN COME UP] 

MUSIC  
[“YANKEE DOODLE” COMES UP] 

THEB A. STARD  
Our story actually begins the evening of April 18, 1775. A month prior, my friend, Patrick Henry, had delivered his “Give Me Liberty or give me death speech” and riled up the patriotic populace. Feeling patriotic AF myself, I decided to do some reconnaissance for Paul Revere’s spy network, The Mechanics. 

TIM  
Weren’t The Mechanics only artisans?

THEB A. STARD  
Jesus. You can’t let me go three lines without interrupting. But yes, that is correct. While that was not my main job, as I was and am a member of the aristocracy, I did have my hobbies. I used to make swords, eventually sold some to friends, and was commissioned to make various pieces for people like General Washington and John Jay. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up controlling most of the steel in America. My real art is making money off of absolutely everything.

TIM  
Of course it is. So what kind of spying were you doing? 

THEB A. STARD  
Well, it wasn’t so much spying as it was…how should I put this…schtupping General Thomas Gage’s wife, Margaret Kemble Gage, who would occasionally give me information on what ol Tommy G was doing.

TIM  
You were having an affair with Thomas Gage’s wife? Also, we don’t have to see or hear that do we? 

THEB A. STARD  
 Oh no. My sexual exploits are too incredible for human eyes and ears to behold, unless you are involved in the exploit itself that is. As for the affair, the Gage’s had an open relationship - plus the affair was for a good cause. Yes, if you need a honeypot operation performed, you would call me. Fun fact, my sexual escapades in espionage later inspired James Bond after I hung out with Ian Flemming for an evening in Jamaica.  

TIM  
I don't believe you.

THEB A. STARD  
Well, fine then. I guess you won’t be getting the real Goldfinger’s gun for Christmas this year.

TIM  
Oh, come on! 

THEB A. STARD  
Okay, fine. Will you settle for the Moonraker laser? 

TIM  
Helllll yeaaaah.

THEB A. STARD  
Moving on. Midge had told me her husband was planning on taking troops to confiscate and destroy some weapons caches we Americans had hid in Lexington and Concord. Gage also allegedly planned to arrest Samuel Adams, John Handcok, and myself for obvious reasons. Open relationship or not, Gage did NOT like me. Upon hearing this, Midge and I slept together 3 more times before I set off for the house of my fellow patriot - Dr Joseph Warren. 

EFFECT  
[NIGHT SOUNDS COME UP] [A HORSE GALLOPS] 

THEB A. STARD  
Dr. Warren then summoned, silversmith and artist who ripped off almost every painting he made, Paul Revere.  

TIM  
Explain that. 

THEB A. STARD  
What’s to explain? He famously painted an image of the Boston Massacre as well as other propaganda pieces - all of which he ripped off from other artists. If I explain every minute detail, this will take forever. May I continue? 

TIM  
Yeah, sorry. 

THEB A. STARD  
As I was shouting... Dr Warren summoned Paul to his home and I informed them both of General Gage’s plan. After our meeting, me and Paul set off to set up the warning signal at what is now called the Old North Church.  

EFFECT  
[HORSES GALLOP] 

THEB A. STARD  
When we arrived, we found Robert Newman, the sexton of the church, and informed him to light two lanterns as our signal. The two lanterns meant that the redcoats planned to row across the Charles River to Cambridge, rather than march out the Boston Neck.

TIM  
One if by land, two if by sea?  

THEB A. STARD  
Correct.

THEB A. STARD  
[HORSES GALLOP] 

THEB A. STARD  
After that, Paul and I each rode back home to get supplies and then met at Boston’s North End waterfront where friends of ours waited to row us across the river to Charlestown.

EFFECT  
[ROWING ON THE WATER IS HEARD] 

THEB A. STARD  
Once there, we were able to warn Colonel Conant and other local Sons of Liberty members about what was happening and confirm that they had seen the signals in the North Church tower. It was at that point I grabbed a drink from a nearby pub. Something Paul was not too cool with

EFFECT  
[THE SOUNDS OF THE TOWN COME UP] [BEER POURS]

PAUL REVERE  
What the hell are you doing? We don't have time for this! 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Paul, we just rode for miles and I need something to drink and eat. Luckily, beer is both. Calm yourself man. 

PAUL REVERE  
Hurry up and let's go. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Yes, yes. 

THEB A. STARD  
After I pounded some brew-skies as we totally used to say back then, Paul and I borrowed horses from my friend John Larkin and we were off once again. 

EFFECT  
[HORSES GALLOP]

THEB A. STARD  
A short while later, I believe around 7PM, we were nearly captured by a regiment of redcoats.  

EFFECT  
[HORSES GALLOP]

THEB A. STARD  
We then altered our course and headed for Medford, where we were able to alert Captain Isaac Hall of the local militia about the impending attack.  

EFFECT  
[BEER POURS] [HORSES GALLOP] [THE SOUNDS OF THE TOWN FADE] 

THEB A. STARD  
I then grabbed another beer while Paul screamed at me from outside and we were off once again. Some time later, we safely made it to the home where Sam Adams and John Handcock were staying. Upon arriving I greeted the gentlemen who was guarding the house and, like a true spy, Paul began shouting and potentially giving away our position.  

EFFECT  
[NIGHT FOREST SOUNDS COME UP]

THEB IN THE PAST  
Good evening, my friend!

GUARD  
Ah! Is that Mr Stard I hear?

THEB IN THE PAST  
Indeed it is my good man! I’m hear with…

PAUL REVERE  
They’re coming! They’re coming!  Those lobster bastards are coming!

GUARD  
Ah Mr Revere. You’ll wake the dead, Paul! Stop making so much noise! 

GUARD  
Noise?! Noise?! You’ll have noise enough before long. The regulars are out! They’re coming! 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Paul, would you calm the hell down! You sound like a madman. But yes, he is correct. I was told by an informant of mine that General Gage is on his way to arrest Sam, John, and likely myself. He also plans on destroying our weapons cache. 

GUARD  
My God. 

SAM ADAMS  
Is that Mr Stard and Mr Revere?

THEB IN THE PAST  
Indeed it is.

THEB IN THE PAST  
Come inside! Come inside!

THEB A. STARD  
And I will pause there so I can engage in light capitalism through these advert-is-ments. We’ll be right back after this

MUSIC  
["America! The Podcast" theme plays]

ANNOUNCER  
"America! The Podcast" is brought to you by Global Warming. Global Warming: It may not be the apocalypse you want but it's the apocalypse you're gonna get.

MUSIC  
["America! The Podcast" theme plays] 

THEB A. STARD  
And we’re back. Where was I? Ah yes. Myself, Sam Adams, John Handcock, Paul Revere, and some of John’s family were resting in the house parlor by the fireplace while we waited for William Dawes to arrive.  

EFFECT  
[HORSES GALLOP] 

THEB A. STARD  
After about half an hour, Dawes showed up and  me and Paul set off with him to continue our alert. We picked up Sam Prescott along the way but were ambushed by the Red Coats shortly after. Sam and William were able to get away but not before William was thrown from his horse and limped the entire way home.

EFFECT  
[HORSE NEIGHS AND WILLIAM IS HEARD HITTING THE GROUND] 

THEB A. STARD  
It was rather hilarious actually. Like a cartoon. Face went into the mud, femur popped out. So more like a violent cartoon. Like a “Richard and Morichai” or something. 

TIM  
You mean "Rick and Morty"? 

THEB A. STARD  
No. I’m pretty sure I said it right as I am always right. We’ve been over this, Timothy. Get it through your hippy head.

EFFECT  
[THEB FROM THE PAST IS HEARD RUNNING]

THEB A. STARD  
As for myself and Paul, let’s see - I remember making it to the tree line right as Paul was captured by the redcoats. Not wanting my friend to be killed, I stalked the troops to where they were taking him. I believe it was some sort of barn if memory serves. Once there, they restrained and grilled him for a few moments. I was able to make it to an area behind the barn to spy on them, when Paul all of the sudden… 

TIM  
I think it's all of A sudden.

THEB A. STARD  
Perpostuous! I am confident it is THE sudden. The Sudden being an event that happens all of a sudden.  

TIM  
But you just... you know what? I'm gonna let you have this one. 

THEB A. STARD  
Finally. A rich white man gets something in this world... As I was shouting, the soldiers took Paul to a barn for interrogation when all of THE SUDDEN... 

TIM  
[SIGH] 

THEB A. STARD  
...Paul began to spill the beans.

PAUL REVERE  
You’ll never win. Me and other patriots have already warned the towns. We have 500 militia men waiting for you bloody backs. Each one a better shot then the next. But keep going if you’d like an American musket ball between the eyes.

BRITISH COMMANDER  
Right? Well, I think we'll risk it. Send a regiment. 

TIM  
The soldiers left and returned shortly after to report that Paul was correct, stating they had indeed been fired upon when arriving in Lexington. It turns out the people we had warned thought the invasion was a false alarm and decided to go drink at the bar the rest of the night. The shots the redcoats heard had just been the men discharging their guns as to not leave loaded weapons just laying outside of the bar. Not like today of course. A true american would just leave a slew of loaded guns scattered on the ground outside any business. It’s their freedom to do so. 

TIM  
Objectively untrue. 

THEB A. STARD  
Like, you know, pacifist. 

TIM  
Is that supposed to be an insult? 

THEB A. STARD  
I...I don’t know. I was always told that unless you are perpetually ready to be a violent person then you have no worth.

TIM  
I think you need to go to therapy. 

THEB A. STARD  
If Sigmund Freaud and two different Dali Lamas couldn’t help me, there’s not much hope for yours truly. As a former republican, I prefer to stay in my own delusions. It’s much more whimsical that way. 

TIM  
Man, fair enough. 

THEB A. STARD  
As I was shouting, the regiment returned to let their commander know Paul was indeed telling the quote un quote truth. 

BRITISH SOLDIER  
He speaks the truth, sir. At least 500 men fired on us when we arrived. 

BRITISH COMMANDER  
Right. Tell the men to regroup. Let this colonist shit go. Move out. 

BRITISH SOLDIER  
Move out! 

THEB A. STARD  
As the soldiers cleared out, I snuck into the barn to find Paul and untie him. Once freed, we hopped on my horse and made haste back to Sam and John to assure they escaped to safety. Upon arriving, we found them still at the home, cleaning their guns, and preparing for battle. 

PAUL REVERE  
What in the blazes are you doing here?! 

JOHN HANCOCK  
Preparing for battle!

PAUL REVERE  
Are you mad, sir? You can’t join the fight!

THEB IN THE PAST  
Paul is correct. The two of you and most importantly I might get caught and hung. We must leave here post haste, my friends. 

JOHN HANCOCK  
Let 'em come. I’m ready for ‘em.

PAUL REVERE  
Oh my god. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Ugh. John, my friend, I admire not only your patriotism, but your stubbornness as well. I may even support you becoming our leader someday, but I also would like to be alive when that happens. Please sir, gather your things and let's get to safety before we end up hanging from the trees outside. 

SAM ADAMS  
Thebadias is right, John. We should go

EFFECT  
[FIREPLACE FADES] [FOREST SOUNDS COME UP AND A CARRIAGE IS HEARD] 

THEB A. STARD  
And with that, we loaded the carriages and were off...for a moment - at least until John decided he forgot something. 

JOHN HANCOCK  
We need to go back! 

PAUL REVERE  
Whatever for? 

JOHN HANCOCK  
I left some good salmon back at the house and it’ll go bad by the morning.

THEB IN THE PAST  
We can not go back for salmon. 

JOHN HANCOCK  
It's really good though. 

THEB IN THE PAST  
Ah, I see. Paul, we need to go back. He says it's REALLY good salmon. 

PAUL REVERE  
Damn it! I will go back for it. You keep going. 

JOHN HANCOCK  
Bring my family too, yeah? Forgot about that lot. 

PAUL REVERE  
Oh my God. Anything else?

SAM ADAMS  
Yeah - there’s a chest of documents that might get us hung if Gauge finds them. Lots of Sons of Liberty meeting papers, notes and the like.  

PAUL REVERE  
Oh, my God. Right. I'm going back. Keep going to safety.

EFFECT  
{PAUL GALLOPS AWAY] 

THEB A. STARD  
Paul made his way back to the house as we carried on down the road. Once he gathered the fish, the family, and the mountain of incriminating paperwork, he set off again to meet up with the rest of us. He only stopped to bury the chest of sons of liberty documents in the woods where he allegedly got some dirt on the fish which John was less than thrilled about. But that’s not important despite how much I talked it up earlier. Good fish though. I got to have some after the battles that are coming up. Once Sam and John were safe, I set off for Lextington to make sure the town was prepared.  

EFFECT  
[CARRIAGE FADES] [HORSE GALLOPS] [THE SOUND OF THE TOWN COMES UP]

THEB A. STARD  
Upon arriving, I found dozens of drunk, unconscious militiamen. I chugged a beer and began to gently wake them from their slumber, not wanting the men or more importantly myself to die in a hail of redcoat bullets.  

THEB IN THE PAST  
WAKE THE HELL UP YOU FOOLS!!! THE REGULARS ARE ON THEIR WAY AND WILL BE HERE IN MINUTES!!!

THEB A. STARD  
The men scrambled for their guns and stumbled into position. I myself made it back behind the men to give orders. Before I was able to do so, some well meaning onlooker decided it was the perfect time to fire at the redcoats.

EFFECT  
[A SHOT IS HEARD]

THEB IN THE PAST  
Cease fire, damn you! Cease fire! 

EFFECT  
[MULTIPLE SHOTS HEARD]

THEB A. STARD  
When that happened, the redcoats opened fire on us without any order given by their commander or any sort of organization. Kinda like the Boston Massacre except we were ready for them, although just as, if not more, drunk. After some ammunition exchange, Colonel Smith told his redcoat troops to cease fire and continue on to Concord. Upon hearing that, I made for my horse and started there myself only to be joined by Prescott. 

EFFECT  
[HORSES GALLOP]

THEB A. STARD  
Once we made it to Concord, we were able to warn Colonel Barret and the town to prepare them for the incoming onslaught. Colonel Barret was able to get the militia to safety so as to regroup while the redcoats went to burn the munitions stored at Barret’s farm. When the townspeople saw the smoke, they assumed the redcoats were burning Concord. This prompted more people to join our fight as we began advancing on a bridge that was being occupied by the redcoats. Out of uh… let’s say, nowhere, maybe, according to historians at least, a shot was fired. It was so loud that some say it was heard around the world.

EFFECT  
[A SNEEZE AND SINGLE SHOT IS HEARD ECHO FOR A FEW SECONDS] [BATTLE SOUNDS ARE HEARD] 

THEB A. STARD  
This prompted our men to attack, overwhelming the redcoats to the point they retreated. 

TIM  
Hold on, man. According to historians? Is that your roundabout way of saying you fired “The Shot Heard ‘Round The World”?  

THEB A. STARD  
Well...yes and no. I didn’t intentionally fire the shot. 

TIM  
[SIGH] What happened? 

THEB A. STARD  
Well, okay, fine. I sneezed and dropped my gun. 

TIM  
God dammit. 

THEB A. STARD  
I know! I know! It was spring and we were in a field. Before my immortality, I didn’t do well with pollen.

TIM  
Did anyone get hit when your gun went off? 

THEB A. STARD  
Oh yes. I hit a british officer and killed him. I may make the occasional oopsy daisy, but, since I was a perfect human man and am currently a perfect Demi god, it always works out for the best. 

TIM  
But like people died...again. 

THEB A. STARD  
And they kept dying after that. Our militia ambushed the soldiers all the way down the road, multiple times, picking them off one by one.  My point is - this was war. Some say it's good for nothing. I say it's a good way to impose freedom on the masses while making easy money, if you're into the whole war profiteering thing - which I AM. It also makes for nice nostalgic tales for people that are into brutality against their fellow man. Fun fact, a man I grew to know after the battle (who was 78 at the time) took out 10 men before the redcoats sent a detachment to take him out. The man didn’t retreat and killed three more attackers before they shot him in the face and bayoneted him several times. The man ended up living 18 more years and told that story over and OVER and over again. It’s so annoying to listen to someone brag about themselves constantly

EFFECT  
[ALL EFFECTS FADE OUT] 

TIM  
Haha yeah not gunna respond to that. Uh, yeah Damn that IS brutal.. 

THEB A. STARD  
Oh, you want more brutality? 

TIM  
No, not really. I don't think I said that. 

THEB A. STARD  
Too bad. While retreating, two redcoat soldiers threw their guns into a pond and surrendered to an old woman, who later turned them into myself and Colonel Barrett.

TIM  
That doesn’t sound violent. 

THEB A. STARD  
THEB She would later rip the tongues out of several british officers just for the fun of it. Didn’t even try to enlist in the militia to help out. She claimed she was trying to basically be “a good guy with a gun”. Turns out she was just a serial killer and was arrested later on. No one knew the term serial killer back then so we just marked her as a witch and let Salem handle it. 

TIM  
Jesus. Did that happen? 

THEB A. STARD  
Well...no. Not the serial killer part. She just turned in those soldiers and went on her way. Super sweet old lady. Name was Agnus if I recall. Made incredible muffins. She gave me a basket of them to share with the militia, but I ended up eating every damn one of them.   

TIM  
Then why did you make that up? 

THEB A. STARD  
I was just trying to mess with you for being a pacifist. 

TIM  
Don't do that. Keep these episodes as historically accurate as possible. 

THEB A. STARD  
Oh you want accuracy? Then why don’t I get credit for my revolutionist ideas? 

TIM  
I mean, I feel like you do. 

THEB A. STARD  
Then why the hell did Paine get all of the credit for writing “Common Sense”?! 

TIM  
Because he wrote it? 

THEB A. STARD  
And I bet you also believe that 9/11 wasn't an inside job. 

TIM  
Did you cause 9/11? 

THEB A. STARD  
What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That was all Dick Chaney. I was just trying to make a point and do some light whistleblowing at the sametime. Speaking of the truth, let me tell you about a night I spent in a pub while visiting Philadelphia. The year was 1775 and…  

TIM  
Ah, this story. Can we wait until next time? I gotta leave. 

THEB A. STARD  
Where are you going and why can I not come? 

TIM  
I have to go to the dentist. 

THEB A. STARD  
You don’t need a dentist. Just let me at those teeth with some pliers and I’ll save you a trip. 

TIM  
No, no, no, I don't need anything pulled; just to clean. 

THEB A. STARD  
Oh, then let me pour some bleach in your mouth. It'll whiten those teeth right up. Works for me!

TIM  
Man. It is a good thing you are immortal. 

THEB A. STARD  
Indeed it is. I can do literally anything without worry or consequence. Just like America. Speaking of - thank you for listening, America! Don’t forget to subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app so that you catch the next exciting instalment of the American Revolution from my incredible perspective, here on “America! The Podcast”. Good night and good fight!

MUSIC  
["AMERICA! THE PODCAST" THEME PLAYS]

THEB A. STARD  
This has been America! The Podcast hosted by me, Thebadias A Stard, the embodiment and only hope for America. Tim is also there.   You can catch my very important show every week on Itunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Shway Media or wherever you get your podcasts. Go ahead give us a five star review on one of those fancy apps while you’re at it. I command it.   You can also hear the show and access more content at America the podcast dot com.   And don’t forget to watch Rapid Fire News and other segments on TikTok and Instagram at america the podcast. You can also find us on Facebook and twitter if you're into that sort of a thing.   Now to contractually credit the people who help make this show possible.  America! The Podcast is a Shway Media Media Original Podcast.  Writers for the show include Thebadias A Stard, Tim Phillippe, Alanah Matos, and Michael Sisemore.   Since the space time continuum doesn’t allow for the recording of audio or something dumn like that, I don’t know, the voice of Sam Adams was provided by Brad Phillippe. The Voice of John Hancock was provided by Michael Sisemore And the voice of Paul Revere was provided by Tim Phillippe The mid show commercial was read by Alanah Matos Tim and I speak for ourselves.   The Executive producers for the show are  Alanah Matos and Tim Phillippe.  Sound design is by Tim Phillippe and all dialogue is mixed in Shway Media Studios.  All research and fact checking for the show was performed by Michael Sisemore and Tim Phillippe. A full list of research sources for this season of America! The Podcast is linked in the description of each episode.   The shows theme song is by Timmy Two Step and all other supporting audio heard in the show was procured through AudioBlocks.com, Freesound.org, and Ambient-Mixer.com  That's it. Go on now, ya hear? 

ANNOUNCER  
This has been a production of Shway Media All rights reserved. For more information please visit shwaymedia.com.

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