The Search For Tim Transmissions (Part 1): Philae, Egypt [TRANSCRIPT]

INTRO
My Producer Tim went missing at the end of the mid-season finale of "America! The Podcast"! And I, Theb A Stard, the embodiment of and only hope for America, aim to find him. These are the "Search For Tim Transmissions! 

THEB A. STARD  
Hello America. It's me, Theb A Stard, aka the embodiment of an only hope for America. And I am reporting to you live from Philae, Egypt. Well not technically live. My Producer Tim would say something along the lines of "this is a pre-recorded message that you were listening to later", but it is live by my standards because I am currently yelling into this microphone. Which brings me to why I'm here in Philea, Egypt. If you listen to the mid-season finale of my very important show, "America! The Podcast", you will know that Tim is no longer with us. Now he's not dead, but possibly in some other dimension of time and space. And in order to bring him back, I am searching the world for both magics light and dark. I am starting here in Philea, Egypt at the secret source of the Nile to try and open the door of Osiris and gain access to the Egyptian underworld. If Tim is in the underworld, I will do battle with Osiris and it should be over with relatively quickly. If not, I will continue to search high and low so I can bring back my producer and he can stop being lazy wherever he is and produce my show. Tired of having Jeremy do it. He's not nice, and he doesn't like my jokes

JONATHAN  
Uh. My name is Jonathan... 

THEB A. STARD  
Quiet you! You're not Tim and I don't like you. May that be the last time I hear your weird voice over the intercom. Anyways, well, I will be hard at work. Don't think that I haven't forgotten you, the American people need to hear my very important words. So I will still be delivering my very important segments as well as very important readings that have to do with the first five episodes of this season. And if you're lucky, and if you give me your questions, I'll answer your semi-important questions. That said it is now time for my very important very pre-recorded segment, "Did you know this?!"

"Trump & Pence Tried To Coupe! Did You Know This?!" CLICK HERE to watch and CLICK HERE for the transcript!

THEB A. STARD  
And we're back and that still didn't work. Dammit. I can't figure this out. How do we open this door? Wait a minute. What is this? there's a there's a small hole next to the door. It looks like...ell, it looks like it's meant for a coin. I have a quarter right here. Let's try this. [RUMBLING] Oh boy. What's happening? The door’s opening! Perfect!  Just got to stabilize myself ..right there! Got it. Alright America, as I venture into the underworld to battle the great God of Osiris for the soul of my Producer Tim, I invite you to listen to this very important, very pre-recorded segment. Very Important Readings. I take you now live to that segment. All right, I'm Osiris. I'm coming for you! Haha!!!!

THEB A. STARD  
For today's very important reading, we travel back to the Boston Massacre, an event I allegedly caused. Alright not allegedly. I absolutely yelled 'fire' and well, whether or not the soldiers were reacting to me yelling fire is still up in the air. Irregardless of who caused the Boston Massacre. We traveled back to that day to hear the words of Newton Price and African American civilian. Newton price writes. Heard the Bell ring. Ran out. Came to the Chapel. Was told there was no fire but something better, there was going to be a fight. Some had buckets and bags and some clubs. I went to the west end of the Town House where [there] were a number of people. I saw some soldiers coming out of the guardhouse with their guns and running down one after another to the Custom-house. Some of the people said let’s attack the Main Guard or the Centinel who is gone to King street. Some said for God’s sake don’t touch the main guard. I went down. Saw the soldiers planted by the Custom-house two deep. The people were calling them lobsters, daring’ em to fire, saying damn you why don’t you fire. I saw Captain Preston out from behind the Soldiers. In the front at the right. He spoke to some people. The Captain stood between the soldiers and gutter, about two yards from the gutter. I saw two or three strike with sticks on the guns. I was going off to the west of the soldiers and heard the guns fire and saw the dead carried off. Soon after, the guard drums beat to arms. The people, whilst striking on the guns cried fire, damn you, fire. I have heard no orders given to fire, only the people, in general, cried fire. and a very important reading. Well, then it seems Mr. Newton Price has corroborated by story in the sense that, well, he said the crowd yelled 'fire' and I was indeed part of the crowd until I moved out from behind it and behind the soldiers out of danger. You can go listen to that in the Boston Massacre episode of this season of "America! The Podcast - The American Revolution". This has been, "Very Important Readings".

THEB A. STARD  
Very exhilarating stuff and also I'm back for my battle with Osiris and did not retrieve Tim. Not because I lost but because Tim is not down there. Mid battle Osiris and I realized that we both played racquetball at the same Illuminati gym and stopped fighting. We then went to have drinks at the local underworld bar where Osiris proceeded to tell me that Tim was not dead and therefore could not be in the underworld and that I should head to Russia to check with a very old friend of mine. Yes, none other than the embodiment of and only hope for Mother Russia, Rasputin.

THEB A. STARD  
That said, I will end this broadcast here so that I can get on my private jet, have a few drinks, have a steak, have a cake, and then go meet Rasputin. Thank you for listening America! If you have any personal questions for me or any magical tips on how to find Tim, you can reach us at our Twitter page at @Americathepod or on our Instagram page at Americanthepodcasts. You can also follow me on Twitter at @bastardcomedy. You can also leave a five-star review in iTunes or any of the podcast apps. And you should just do that. If you don't remember, I have plenty of magic to make you do it. Why haven't I used magic to make you do it? Well, I don't know. Pick an answer. I'm also kind of lazy, and I'm busy. I'm very busy. I'm an old busy man. I have to go get on a plane to Russia now leave me alone. No, don't leave me alone. You can come with me if you want. Do you want to come with me? No? Well, then fine. Good night and good fight!

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